I really am. People have joked that my older brother is my mom's "husband" since our dad died thirty years ago. I won't bore you with tbe outrageous stories of favoritism for 50 years. Suffice it to say he has been MIA while I have cared for mom every step of the way, including now, while she is in major decline. I and my ex husband care for her around the clock. I left school to care for her when my dad died because she was depressed and suicidal. Ive taken her everywhere with me, shopping, vacations, parties, book club, Mass, everything. When my mom started going blind 6 years ago my brother would not respond when I told him we needed to talk about her condition. When she began falling, she would call me, my ex husband or her neighbors to come pick her off the floor, though my brother lived one block away. She "didnt want to bother him." Last December a fall put her in the hospital for a month. During that time I found out my mom had given my brother POA 30 years ago, after which she mortgaged her house to bail him out of credit card debt. She mortgaged the house five more times since then and now owes almost 200k dollars on it. All for him. I and my ex husband have been literally changing her diapers, feeding her, putting her to bed, getting her dressed, everything. We have taken her to about 2 hundred doctor appointments, sat with her through surgeries, rehab, the whole bit. Before my moms hozpitalization I discovered my brother had bought a half million dollar house over an hour away and told my daughter not to tell me he was moving. Meanwhile I am struggling to make ends meet and running a business alone, taking care of my mom full time. When I asked my Mom if she could help me with a small loan she said, "Oh your brother is in charge of all that." He told me, "There will be no more loans against the house." My brother is sole POA for everything. In addition to the mortgages she took out for him he has taken out 8 credit cards against my moms credit and racked up another 50k. I am desperate to protect the rest of my own interests in her estate as Ive never received anything and have lost a lot of income caring for her. She may also need to go into a home and what if he spends all she has? My mom defers to my brother absolutely. He left her for dead literally two weeks ago, leaving her alone with no food or medicine or telephone. Yet when she had a UTI last week I could not even talk to the doctors because he is POA. He swept in after work and huddled with the doctors after my ex and I cleaned up her vomit and feces and got her to the hospital. Ive called attorneys but they say unless my mom will consent to changing her documents there is nothing they can do. My brother got my mom to put him on the deed to her house as well and convinced him to remove me as a trustee. Hes not paying her bills on time or balancing her checkbook and I cant even sign her name for her (shes blind).  She refuses to acknowledge that he hates me. He has told me I will get nothing when she passes and then tells HER he loves me and he will make sure Im cared for. Its all lies. How can I convince my mom to put me in charge?

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You need to IMMEDIATELY call the proper authorities for your area and report possible Elder Abuse. It sounds as if your brother is committing Financial Exploitation. Whether or not your mother has "given him permission", authorities will investigate to determine whether or not a crime has been committed. One of the ways they do this is by investigating where the money has been spent. From what you've said, it seems unlikely that your brother can defend himself by providing any receipts or bank statements showing that these funds were spent to support your mother.
You may also want to file an order of protection/ restraining order to keep your brother from attempting to influence your mother further.
You have options but don't wait to use them. Contact the department of human services or elder care and protection where you live.

I don't think you will get Mom to change over POA to you. I think you need to find out how to make brother responsible for her care. When u found her almost dead, you should have reported him to APS. He is the one who holds the purse strings. I assume, he didn't tell u he was going out of town? If she is hospitalized again, and 24/7 care is recommended, tell them to talk to the son because he is POA. He needs to place Mom some where and pay for the care. Refuse to take her in or be her 24/7 caregiver. Tell them you have done all you physically can and can do no more. And don't feel guilty about it. You have done your share. One person cannot be expected to do it all. In a nh setting, you have a doctor, then a nurse who gives the meds, a cook for the meals and a CNA for the cleanup. The RN and CNAs salary combined is at least $40 an hour. And after their shift, they go home. If brother ever tries to get Medicaid for Mom, he is going to have to answer where all her money went. Thus, he will have to pay for her care. Stand by your guns if it ever gets to that. Also, be ready to not inherit anything. He is probably Executor of Moms will. When he probates the will, it will be public so u can see who inherits. He must give you what is left to you. If not, then u can sue.

I agree, I would explain the situation to an elder care attorney that is experienced with financial exploitation cases and APS. I would also make an APS report detailing the abuse. Do you have copies of financial statements, loan documents, or anything you can submit as proof that your mom is being exploited? This will help your case. I would also let them know about the incident where he left her alone for 2 weeks without food, medicine, etc. That is pure and simple neglect.

My heart goes out to you. I became mom's guardian after my sister physically abused her, contributed to her mental deterioration and being hospitalized multiple times, and took most of mom's savings. Is your mom still of sound mind or does she have cognitive deficits? Your local Area Agency on Aging may be able to help and/or investigate the situation further as well.

Hugs, I hope things get better for you and your mom. She doesn't deserve to be exploited and mistreated by your brother.

I think you should go to an elder lawyer too ..See if he can get a judge to put a hold on her accounts and get a pherensic (not sure how its spelled) accountant to look at the accounts. He might be POA but i wonder if that means he can steal legally . Not to mention terribly neglecting your mother. Id have lawyer contact elder abuse about that


You are not the first person to pose this question and certainly not the first who has dealt with a shady relative.

In actuality, if Mom is still mentally sharp enough, GB's POA isn't worth anything--if she has been declared incompetent, only then does his "power" come to play.

Mother lives with you? Or is she alone somewhere? She's definitely an elder in danger, if not being downright abused by brother.

Also, you could call APS and report your brother for theft/abuse. Something may come of that, but I wouldn't hold my breath. Mother will likely say brother is not hurting her and nothing will come of it.
Sorry to be a downer--I'm kind of in a similar situation and is stinks....but mother kowtows to her GC and nobody can do anything about it, because she LETS him control her.

Sadly, your mother is the driving factor in the mess. She won't take his "power" away and so she is making her own life miserable.

It really hinges on whether she is not of sound mind. If she is, he really has no power, but she still gives it to him.

Honestly? There's truly not much you can do. Parents can be blinded by "love" and totally trust one of their kids and behind their backs, said kid is busy bankrupting them.
as afar as your brother lying about how he feels about you and promising mom he'll take care of you--just let it go. You can't change him and you'll be miserable trying to get mom to see the truth.

When she dies, he HAS to execute mom's will according to the law, so hopefully, he hasn't made mom change it to exclude you. However....don't hold your breath.

I hope someone with more knowledge will chime in on this. This just resonated with me--since I am in the same boat and can do nothing to change the directions.

Talk to an Elder Care Attorney and tell him/her what your situation is and that your brother is POA of everything BUT that you are taking care of your Mom 24/7 and are spending YOUR MONEY for HER CARE NEEDS. Tell the attorney that your brother refuses to reimburse you for any supplies that you purchase for your Mom. Tell the attorney that you are burned out and that you want/need to STOP TAKING CARE of your mom full time and that you want caregivers hired to take care of your Mom part-time and you taking care of your Mom part-time.

DO NOT ask about becoming your Mom's POA, you have already asked about that and you know that is NOT GOING to happen.

Tell the attorney that you are concerned that your POA/ brother will continue to neglect your Mom if you stop taking care of her and that you don't want that to happen. Ask if you need to call Adult Protective Services about how your brother is treating your Mom and that you are actually performing all of the POA duties instead of him. Ask what your options are.

You need to look after yourself. And, unfortunately, if that means cutting all ties with your brother and Mother and not seeing your Mother...That just might be what you have to do. {I know that it would KILL me if I couldn't see my Mom ever again. However, I think that your Mom is using you as an employee and not as a daughter.} Life can be ugly sometimes and sad and frustrating and...

Please listen to the other posters as well. You need to act based on what your head tells you and not what your heart tells you. hard to do but, maybe it is time for you to change your life around. ^^Prayers^^ & {{Hugs}}

You can't . Its that simple,, he has her snowed and you and your ex are the fallout. At least when the bills come due you will not be responsible .If she has to go into a home it's on him to figure that out. Maybe it is time for you and ex to back away,, I know this is hard.but it is her choice. We are going through this with FiL and BIL Good luck

Beyond Wow. How incredibly awful. All I can think of is if he is POA isnt he responsible for her bills. You shouldnt be. Is there really going to be anything left for you after all his debts, loans etc. I would almost walk away. You have been terribly abused. When I had to move my mother to AL after a bad fall and was told she shouldnt live alone I had cousins who tried to declare that I was acting against her will. I told her to tell them to put a stop to all they were doing or I was walking away from her and she would be their responsibility. That seemed to make enough sense and their actions were halted after I also threatened them with potential legal action. Your brother sounds awful. If you walked away would he take charge. If he is her POA he must have legal obligation. I am so sorry for your situation.

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