WARNING: Not So Nice Thing to Say
I've been struggling the past few days with sheer exhaustion. Between the two jobs and never feeling like I have any "me" time, I've been a cranky mess. Yesterday I took the day off to take Dad to two doctor's appointments, and it's the same old thing... he's getting sicker, add more pills, repeat. Then I got a sad call from an ex boyfriend who informed me that his mom passes away from a heart attack. As I tried to console him, I couldn't help but think how lucky he was to not have to be a caregiver. How terrible is that? I've had a few friends whose parents had the same lifestyle as my Dad that have passed away and I get ... jealous? It's not that I don't intrinsicly love my Dad. I just hate to see him in his current state. He can't see, he can hardly hear, he can't breathe, he can't remember things, and most of the time he can't even poop on a regular basis. The smallest things tire him out and when he realizes that he's forgotten something simple, he has a panic attack. How miserable! Granted, he's been a jerk most of my life, but he used to be strong. Now there's this shell of a man that used to be my Dad that just continues to thrive on ... (another bad thought coming) at an ENORMOUS expense! Here's the thing. I have it pretty easy. Dad is in a facility. Lots of folks must keep their loved ones at home and take care of spouses and kids. Here I am whining about visiting the ALF a couple of times a week. Caregiving has made me a horrible person. I don't want to get old. Seriously... as I look at the folks in the ALF, I often think "God, please take me before I end up in THAT state" I don't want to be some miracle of modern medicine that lives to a ripe old age if I'm seriously incapacitated. This is a disgusting side of me. It's not like I'm willing the man to die (or am I?), but in the spirit of honesty, life would be a lot easier once the end happens. I REPEAT... I'M A TERRIBLE PERSON!!!!