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My mother, a former model and television singer, has been emotionally abusive to me since I was born. So disconnected from me is she that she didn't know she was pregnant for 6 months. She's an utterly horrible person masquerading as a nice one, but during her life, she refused to let her second husband see his grandchildren; she used to show up at my place of business to berate me in front of my colleagues; and we just discovered that she has a shopping addiction, so all of the money that my partner and I have given her over the years to help pay some of her bills has gone to her addiction. In December, she fell and broke her ankle and fractured her other foot. She was in hospital for 2 weeks, had 2 surgeries, was in rehab near my house for a month, and is now home with a 24/7 caregiver who she cannot afford. She is confused and agitated, refusing to do the PT that has been prescribed for her, and is obsessing about the "wrong" shoes that I bought her that won't fit over her air cast. She has told everyone --- a visiting nurse, a visiting PT, caregivers, etc --- that I agitate her. I see her once a week because it is all I can tolerate; I'm having heart problems from the stress of dealing with her, her money issues, her insurance problems, her lies, and her abuse. (She has very little money.) But I was raised to believe that we have a moral obligation to care for our senior parents, and so, I do. I have no siblings so there's no one else to help.
I've considered a guardianship, but it's too extreme a measure, I think. Still, I don't know what to do. Thank you.

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My dear caretaker...you say your mother was abusive since you were born and you were raised to have a moral obligation to care for senior parents.
Now, please listen to what I have to say. If the parents were abusive to you, you do NOT. repeat: NOT, have any obligation to them. No one, under any circumstances, allow anyone to abuse you or cause you any emotional or physical harm because it will soon destroy YOU and you must never allow that. In this case, with the help of aging professionals, you must find a senior place to put her. Medicaid could help. But whatever you do, YOU MUST GET AWAY FROM HER. You can talk with an
eldercare attorney for advice = but she cannot treat you this way.
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If your mom is competent, then she can make her own arrangements for care and pay for it from her own funds. I can't see lending her money under the conditions you describe.

I'd be careful of becoming a daily caregiver for a person who abused you as a child. I'd seek professional advice from a therapist about that. For many reasons, it's not a good idea. Your heart problem being one.

It doesn't sound like trying to deal with her is working out. Some people won't allow you to help them. If she's always been difficult and abusive to you, then, I wouldn't expect things to change, unless she's trying and in therapy herself.

Do you think that she has cognitive decline? If that's the case, I might alert her caregivers so they will be aware. Some of the things you say about her makes me wonder if she's thinking clearly. Sounds odd to me. If someone is not mentally competent, then, I'd consider another approach, but, it still wouldn't involve too much daily hands on care giving. I would attempt to alert county officials, so they can intervene.

If you go for Guardianship, you'll have to have cause and be able to prove she's incompetent. I'd seek legal advice, but, it's a thankless job. And dealing with her would be exhausting. I'd consider how much time, energy and emotion is involved and weigh if it's something you want to commit to.
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