Sometimes the truth works.

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Yesterday was a bad day for me. I was feeling depressed all day. I told my mother I was feeling depressed and she came up with all kinds of things I was doing wrong that made me that way. I listened, but knew she was missing it. Last night I told her I was depressed because I listened to her talk about how sick she was and how she wanted to die 24/7/365 for the last four years. She teared up and said that she did want to die and go be with Daddy. I said, "There you go. That's why I'm depressed." I can't bring my father back and I can't cure what's wrong with her. What I said registered with her. Life has been pleasant since we had the talk. No more talk of death and disease. I have a new self defense -- the truth. I did not speak unkindly to her, just truthfully. It was something I needed to do. I hope things continue to be better.


I'm so sorry that you've been feeling so depressed but good for you for telling your mom what you needed! And kudos to your mom for hearing you and taking what you said to heart. I'm glad this discussion with your mom had a positive effect on your daily life.

I've written so many times that when I was caring for my dad my brother never offered to help me. I spoke to him frequently and he never offered his assistance. I never thought to ask him for help. I assumed he should know that I needed help. He assumed that if I needed help I would ask for it. I finally asked for his help in the midst of a meltdown on my part and he dropped what he was doing to help me and he stayed involved until the day our dad died.

We have to ask for what we need and not assume that people should know what we need (not that I'm saying you did that). Your mom probably had no clue that her daily complaints and sorrow were having such a negative effect on you. What you needed from her was reasonable, you expressed it to her, and she was willing to change her behavior. I think that's wonderful!!

I'm so glad you shared this, JessieBelle!
in moments of clarity my mom wanted explanations and fully realized her trippin wasnt real. i lost it a few times over a 6 year period. where blubbering sympathy horin and failing brain meet is a hell of a line to find. specially when the dam line keeps moving. an occasional roar would ground my mother. she liked my spine even when it was towering over her.. good going jesse, your a thinker..
Well done Jessie. I have done that with mother and it has stemmed her negativity on one front, but then it comes out on another and does not change her general demeanor. She has endless topics about which to be negative. I do find being truthful is better for her and me. However mother is a person who listens - for the next gap in the conversation - so she can get her own thoughts out. Now that she is so paranoid, it is a challenge to have any "normal" conversation that doesn't set her off. I find I am, in my head, going through the list of suggestions of how to respond to the paranoia - don't agree, don't disagree, respond to how she is feeling, which is usually angry, but also scared these days, and by the time I have figured out one thing she is on to another. I think she is much farther gone than your mother in terms of mental health.
I hope it continues to work for you and your mum.
I felt I had to do something. We can try to shield their feelings so much that we end up taking all the bad things on ourselves. I keep reminding myself that I am also important and have a right to live without misery without end. I try to be sympathetic, but being too sympathetic can end up hurting us. It's Sunday afternoon now and still she has not complained or wished herself dead. Maybe she never realized how it was affecting me.

Nice thing about the truth is that it can be revisited when needed. For now, the Sunday afternoon sleepies are creeping in. I think I'll take a nap while she watches her preachers on TV. She likes going to church, out to eat, then watching the preachers. Sunday is like a nice vacation.

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