Need help, feel like giving up...

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I've always taken care of my parents. My dad died 17 yrsago. I work and always went to mom's house after work to take share with them. I have my mom in my home for 5 years now. She suffers dementia, had a hip prótesis surgery and is in bed since. She's has gone from bad, angry, nasty temper some days to sweet praying angel days. My brother and sister in law help by staying with her, during the day while I work. As soon as I arrive they leave. During the day, there's a housekeeper that only takes care of her room, a nurse that come to bath her with the housekeeper. Evenings, nights, Sundays Saturdays and holidays I have to take care of her by myself. I feel exhausted, that I'm losing the will of being here. So many things to say and hard to express. Sometimes I have to leave work cause I feel so bad. I work as school principal as you might know very stressful. Can get my brother to understand that I need his help on weekends, that what he does is not a favor but a responsibility with our mom.


Marie, I understand. Probably everyone here does. Both you and your brother probably need a break on the weekend. It sounds like you need to find a good person that will come in on the weekends, so that you can both have some time off. The help will be expensive, but sounds like it is needed.

Is your mother to the point where she needs around-the-clock care? I was wondering if you had considered a nursing care facility for her. It is a hard decision, but sometimes they need more help than we have energy to give. You can look around for some good ones in case you need one anytime soon. Some are very nice.

I hope you can find some relief for you and your brother soon.
Jessiebelle, I've consider paying for a caregiver can't afford it. All the expenses are on me and my husband. Have consider a homecare, I feel bad by considering it. My brother doesn't agree.
My brother is always has a break on weekends and holidays. During week days, he leaves as soon as the lady from homecare arrives and leaves my sis in law here. He leaves to take care of personal matters, housd, church responsibilities
I would shake the piggy bank and see if there is anything. You might want to check with your local county office on aging to see what is available in the way of respite care. You do need a break or you life soon becomes not worth living. I think it is the hardest thing about being a caregiver. We start to lose any sense of joy in life. Pretty soon we don't even know where to look for it. We all need a break so we can enjoy our own lives.
That's what worries me because I feel I'm losing the joy of living.
Amen. I know what you are saying. We have to look to find the people and things that put joy back in our lives.
If your mother (not you) cannot afford the care she needs, have you considered applying for Medicaid?
She has medicaid part A only, from my dad who died. Doesn't cover. I think, I'll check
Maripec, your brother and his wife are already putting in what sounds like a 40 hour week with your Mother, there is only so much a person can give. If you push for more hours from him, you might lose him and his wife altogether, as they would be too burned out to help. I really think your Mother needs another layer of care.

Medicare part A won't pay for a nursing home, but Medicaid will if your Mother qualifies for the program. Remember Medicare and Medicaid are two separate programs. Medicaid is made for elders who cannot finance the cost of a nursing home. Call your State Medicaid office on Monday to get the ball rolling.

Your mother may balk at the idea of going into a nursing home, but it would be in her best interest, and the best interest for yourself, if she can move there. She would be with others of her own generation, she could make new friends, enjoy meals in the common dining room, etc. Then you could once again be her "daughter" [I assume from your screen name] instead of her "Caregiver", same with your brother.
Mariepc, Medicaid also has a waiver program that pays for some in-home help. This is because it is less expensive and sometimes more kind to keep the elder in the community instead of paying for a nursing home. This depends on how much and what kind of care the person needs.

A person has to qualify for Medicaid both medically and financially, If Mother has some assets, she may have to spend them first, but then Medicaid could kick in.

In my opinion, your goal should be to get some additional help for Mother, without adding more tasks to your own or your brother's list.

As an academic, I'm sure you know how to do research. Write yourself a little term paper on what resources are available in your area that your mother might take advantage of.

Keep the conversation going (or start a new one)

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