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My mom wont accept or even talk about getting help from someone on the outside. Im the only daughter, and I get all her anger frustration...she wont respect my boundries,,,I got so frustrated tonight she plugged her ears and didnt want to listen to me when I told her I need to get someone else to help me with he needs. I work full time and do not live close...I grabbed her hand and squeezed it as hard as I could so she would listen, Ive never done that before, Im at my wits end...

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I can so relate to your frustration. However, I do have a sister and we share responsibilities providing care for Mom. Mom has a garage apartment on my sister and brother-in-law's property, but when my sister goes out of town Mom comes to my house. Once after Mom got on my nerves so bad I threw a glass bowl on the kitchen floor and she immediately said she wanted to go home. I felt just terrible. Mom is obsessive compulsive - she rearranges my frig, cuts up the trash, uses chewing gum to clean her teeth which means her fingers are constantly in her mouth, and complains about a TV show before I get a chance to change the channel to something she likes. I hope you get some help. Working full time and trying to stay sane is a real challenge. My heart goes out to you.
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When you find yourself worrying over everything and even the simplest most innocent act seems fraught with dire consequences and guilt either way, either you are too stressed to have perspective (been there done that more than once!) or you have an anxiety disorder that needs treatment! There is a balance between being concerned and thoughtful of what other people's perspectives might be, and being paralyzed because there is NO way on Earth to be sure of pleasing everyone and giving no offense ever. Approach things with best intentions and love in your heart, be as informed as you can be, get help both informal and professional. A good prayer is "God, have I done my best? Can You correct me, or reassure me and do the rest? Amen, Your will be done...it's gonna be OK...Thanks." You really are going to be OK! And you really don't have to torture yourself over what slightly confused, upset people decide to think of you at times...it's torture enough getting dumped on...do your best not to let it soak in, while realizing sometimes it does and you just need a break from it... I don't mean to say the answers are easy, just maybe to try to reassure that your responses do not have to be perfect every time, there are opportunities to correct course and every mistake is not fatal. Beating yourself up harder as a defense against fear or making mistakes or worrying as a defense against what might happen does not usually work, or if it does, item works only at the cost of way too much stress.
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I don't understand why you feel guilty about helping her with her will or living will? If your mom trusts you and your advice, then help her! If she doesn't trust her new husband or your other siblings, then so be it. There's no law that says you can't see her will or living will. If she asks, help her! But get a lawyer involved to make sure it's done properly for where you live.
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Recognizing you are at your wit's end is important. It took other people telling me I needed a break to realize how stressed I was -- and my situation is not even as difficult as many discussed on this site. Still, it's 24/7 and Dad has lived with me for 4 years.

As the social worker said, we are not made to handle all this all alone. 5-day respite did me a world of good. And I even put my Dad in a place over Christmas (not that he realized fully that it was the holiday). It's so hard not to feel we are supposed to be there continually for our parents. But think about it, didn't our parents send us (as young children) to sitters or grandparents when they went somewhere or even just for a break? Also, I kept thinking that my kids (even though they are adults) and grandchild need me to be whole, happy, and healthy for them too.

Accept what you can change, what you cannot, and . . . be well.
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I don't know but I feel guilty my Mom asked me to help with her will about some questions and I suggested the situation to her if and whats then she could decided and bring it to a Lawyer I told her Mom I am not suppose to be seeing your will or living will period but she said it's okay no one needs to know you are helping me because we have been trying to get it done for 4 years now she is remarried and she doesn't want to go to a home so we don't trust her husband and my sister? Any advice feeling super guilty for helping her?
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Feeling guilty is part of caregiving ... for some more than other, but I don't think any of us escape. If you can't get rid of the guilt, shove it into the background, and do what you know is needed in spite of the guilt. You need respite. Take it.
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This morning I thought I was loosing my mind I was crying and feeling guilty major anxiety about so many things could not sleep all night it is so hard dealing with a mother who is so demanding and my step- father who babes her when she starts crying and I don't get to her whims and calls at that second and he plays the good guy then goes back up to the computer room also so upset with my siblings not helping and making false offers and not sticking to it just venting feel like I am all only sometime and if I were to tell my siblings they would just think I am weak. Going to the doctor's this week and the case manger is coming to set up respite care not sure how many days I need off just thinking about it I feel guilty. Please I need advice.
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Welcome to the club!
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One tip for emergencies (like the hand-squeezing) when you frighten yourself is to take a small physical step back and say out loud "Stop!"

I picked this one up in a stress management class about 24 years ago and have found it helpful. It's like an emergency brake - just stops things getting out of hand.

You'll be ok - I can say that because you've already realised what's happening. Try not to worry. And the other important thing is to recognise what kinds of conversations are going inevitably to wind you up. With me they're about using her call button (she won't, ever) and sorting out clutter - these are conversations that I've learned not to begin.

Don't talk to her about the support services you need. Make the plans, get the arrangements in place, and then bring the key personnel with you to talk to her about actioning them. It'll be harder for her to refuse to listen to a professional. Good luck.
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Today, I felt sick, I did not get up, until 1230,
my 87 year old not either, left to her own devices,
she would neither get out of bed on her own,
nor would she eat and help herself to a glass of water.

It is 2 pm. here and we both finished breakfast,
she is still eating my computer is 6 ft. from the kitchen table,
I am playing German music from Youtube for her,
she is originally from Austria and immigrated to the US
in 1956. We will have an abbreviated day.

Breakfast was oatmeal, where I have hidden an egg in its contents
After you make oatmeal with water, butter one teaspoon brown sugar one teaspoon, I add in egg with milk at the end and stir it fast so it mixes in.
That way she ate more than she thought she did.

She has what I term, senior anorexia, left on her own she commits to eating half of what ever you serve, if you try to put on twice as much thinking she would eat half and thereby eating what you wanted her to eat in the first place, it wont work, then you do not get her to eat at all.

So you yourself have to become creative too...to outwit the fox as it were...
I know that without the level of caregiving I am giving her, she would have lost to Alzheimer's disease long ago, which is...

...laying in the bed or sitting in a chair with the eyes closed almost brain dead...

They can stay that way for years, if they eat a little or drink little,
it is a dreadful picture, that is why, she has a routine (except for today)
and I make sure she has her calorie count.

Back 1 and a half years ago, when we rescued her from the 13 week stay she had in the nursing home and went to 98 lbs. I had to feed her smoothies
and still do, if I think she did not eat enough, the smoothies do not have to be ice but they could be yogurt, milk, honey, some orange juice strawberries, you can put in those freckled bananas you do not know what to do with, as long as it equals a glass and they can sip it with a straw, so many medicines that people take, have a weight and since her body weight was always around 115-118, the medicines produce different side effects, depending if their weight fluctuations. The Exelon (for dementia) cannot be given if the person weighs under 110.

I am happy to say with the caregiving she receives from me with verbal cues,
she can still make Christmas cookies, pork schnitzel's, and to visit with her lifelong friends.

It is 400 pm now, she has eaten, dressed (we skipped the bath) and knitting in the living room, we have talked about many things and am now starting dinner.

I am happy at her progress and adjustments,but I just graduated from a university, last spring and I have college loan debt and the family does not want to pay me,
and it looks like the court does not want to pay, for the excellent care she is receiving and because they sold her home, does not now qualify for the "cash and counseling" program, that would have paid me, her estate is there to pay only for her needs and no one is to benefit by(getting paid) but if I were a stranger, they would pay them...it gets complicated, so I still negotiating with them, but I would hate to see her deteriorate, which is what happened when they put her in an assisted living 2 years ago.

She doesn't deserve that, nor did she deserve to lose her house that she scrimped for, while raising the 5 children she and her husband brought from their native Austria, 57 years ago. I am her baby(61) child's friend.

I too wonder, how long I will be able to do it, before I have to make a dreaded decision. It depends on...
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Your so right it is a great transition and it does take quite awhile and the loops you have to go through it can be very frustrating and demanding on the caregiver that is why many of us get so stressed out you know what if it wasn't for this group and all the well advice and caring people in this group I would be very lost and alone.
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It is not about being a wimp. Every one is taught to respect autonomy, everyone always had and has space...when people can no longer make decisions, it is not about being a wimp it is about exchanging roles, whether parents want to or not, the doctor can explain it for you and help to take the burden off of you by saying yeah your right and telling your parents that they have to come ever so on this day.

Anyway, the transition, takes a while it doesn't come overnight, it takes a little bit of time, the worst thing is to put too much pressure on yourself...
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I am going through the same thing my Mom is so difficult and manipulative my Step-dad goes along with her it is sicking. I totally vented the other day and had to tell her to put the tv dinners in that night for supper and I was leaving and going to bed they did it but man oh man I was really venting and raising my voice she just didn't get it I felt guilty after and said sorry like three times I totally understand what you are going through it is tough but I am going to a caregiver support one on one and now I have join a full support group going this Monday.
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Try not to feel guilty easy for me to say but I am the same way! Today I had a meeting with them I phoned at 8: 30 and my Mom said are you still mad are you coming in I said yes but I want to talk to you and Brian together well when I came in he wasn't on his computer that he is so addict to he knew I meant business!
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It's okay I have been really mad with my Mom and step dad one time I told them I felt they were taking full advantage of me I had the same problem with my Mom when I first started looking after her she cancel 4 times to see regular doctor but I told her if I am going to be your caregiver you need to go see your doctor for check ups then she would start crying and her husband would say has he raised his voice and rubbing her back don't threaten her I said I am not threatening but setting boundaries if I stay she goes to the doctor ? So he was still going on rubbing her back and babying her while she was crying so I was so mad and needed time out went for a walk and smoke then I came back and calmly said to my Mom I am sticking to what I said finally she said okay I will go this has happened even with the seniors out patient doctor and nurses to see for evaluating her etc persistent and calmly stating your boundaries and stick to it take a day off show them it works! Hope I gave you some hope! If you read my post I put yesterday
you will see what I go through and that's nothing there's more!
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Thank you so much, I am a wimp, I try to set boundries, but get hooked in with the guilt, I have so many feelings, but have to be realistic about what I can do. I love her and care about her and at the same time feel like Im going crazy and just want to go away by myself and not have to deal with it. It helps to other peoples input who have gone through or are going through the same thing.
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VStefans is right. Your mom won't like what you are going to have to do. And you will have to do it anyway. That's hard for wimps like me. Go to your local Area agency on aging, probably the one suggested by PS. Maybe go back to your therapist with a goal of getting support through this crisis, not just "working on your issues." Getting help in spite of her lack of cooperation is the priority.

God bless you. It will be hard. Keep us posted and ask specific questions. We're on your side.
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Once, many years ago, when we were dealing with the aftermath of my husband's parents' gradual decompensation, during which they refused help from us, from any home health agency and even hubby's BIL who even had police called on them and him...a city social worker who had to get involved said something I did not like one bit. I was expressing regret that MIL did not have any say in what was happening to her next - a geropsych then a nursing home after FIL died. She said, "Choices are for healthy people." Now to some extent that's not right, of course, people should have choices, whatever their disability, but within limits. We are by law not allowed to make certain choices that seriously injure innocent fellow human beings or put innocent parties into liability for the consequences. And once we are not competent to make reasonable choices, someone else has to take charge which means respecting their wishes as far as reasonably possible, but no further. This is not easy. Sometimes it can be done as matter of persuasion and practicality, sometimes it takes getting guardianship when that's possible...never easy on anyone.

What I am trying to say is unwrap some of those layers of guilt about telling mom certain things have to be, that she just can't have everything they way she wants because it is just not possible or at least not reasonable and not working out. She doesn't want to face the changes, the reduction of her autonomy, the inability to pull all the strings and put all the blame on YOU, she's only human...and its not easy for you to change your role and the balance of power either.
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Her MD may order a visiting nurse if she needs one. Go with her on her next MD visit and start the conversation with him. You can also go to marysvillewa.gov for a list of senior services.
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Thank you for all your input and encouragement, I have tried to give her options, and choices, but its never the right time, she puts it off, or keeps finding other things she needs that keeps avoiding it. I love my mom and care about her, she does have borderline personality disorder, depression, fibromylagia. I have gone to counseling, which helped for awhile but stopped because its seems I dont have time for anything anymore. She accuses me of never doing anything fun or taking care of myself, but when I try I get the guilt trip, or there is always some so call crisis.....she went to an inpatient geriatric program about 4 months ago..and got shock treatments, kind of helped..she is getting vitamin B-12 shots to give her more energy. Helping a little so far. My husband has been majorly depressed due to and L and I he had at his job....I feel I need to spend more time with him...my mom and him dont get along which makes it hard....there is so much to this situation...sorry for rambling...but thanks for listening
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Do what is best for you! If getting outside help is needed... do it. Get a doctor's order for outside help and tell your mother that a doctor ordered professional caregivers to assist her. It takes the blame off of you and on the doctor. And take a vacation. You can't help her if you get sick or run down yourself. You deserve a break!
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I am glad that you recognized you need help. Squeezing your mother's hand as hard as you could may break the bones of her hands. I know you don't want to do that. It would be better to stay away from her than to risk being angry enough to abuse her. I am glad you knew it was time to do something.

Let us know what might be wrong with your mother. Can she still live independently, or do she need assisted living or a nursing facility?

One thing you might try to do in bringing in outside help is not to ask your mother. Instead give her a choice between two things, depending on what her needs are. Does she want Company A or Company B, etc. If she says neither, tell her it isn't an option. We can all understand why your mother wants to hold on to her independence, but sometimes it's just not an option anymore. The good thing is that a lot of the time the changes made are enjoyable. She may like the people coming in.

Good luck. I like your honesty so much. The frustration can be terrible at times.
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Chances are your mom does have dementia and would have not resorted to immature and avoidant ways of trying to deal with a problem in the past. (Or, she has always had a serious personality disorder.) Either way, the hard part is realizing that you have to take charge and not let Mom and her unreasonableness be in charge. Otherwise, you may find yourself doing those things out of sheer frustration that could be construed as abuse because you are trying to make Mom be reasonable and she can't or won't. I'm hoping this was not so much that you actually bruised or injured her, that would make this cross the line from urgent to emergent.

Either way, there has got to be help available and you can't really await Mom's permission to access it. Mom would like to avoid reality, but that is not going to work as a real strategy. Recognizing that you are on the edge with fear and worry is a first step. I hope you feel empowered to take the next steps, however hard they may be!
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Yup, you really can't handle it any more without some changes. You MUST have some respite. It is not optional. You need some time to yourself, and time with friends.

Please give us a little more information about your situation. Do you live with Mom? Her house or yours? What is her impairment? Does she have dementia? How long have you been caring for her? How old is she?

We pretty much all know what it feels like to get so frustrated we do things we wish we hadn't. Give us a little more background so our responses can be more specific.
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