Just a vent.

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92 year old middle-stage Alzheimer's mom is madder than a hornet that she has a live-in caregiver.
Yes, she is on meds.
Yes, I am certain they are not the right ones for her mood swings, which creep up with no warning and are volatile as hell.
Yes, I have made an appt with a different geriatric psychiatrist, since her current one literally has "no time" to discuss mom with me since she also runs a teeth-whitening clinic. (No joke.)
The new live-in caregiver has a tough exterior shell which is good. Mom's name-calling of her being "as big as 3 people" isn't outwardly bothering her, although I am mortified.
Mom blames ME for her dementia and her living arrangements. What she doesn't realize is that if not for me, she would be in a long-term memory care facility for the rest of her life without her beloved dog she obsesses over. She would be out of her home.
She fights me tooth and nail.
The caregiver has to call me because mom will not take meds for her; only me. And mom's meds wear off every few hours... then her behavior ramps up FAST to the point where she is screaming, sobbing, and kicking the dog's bed about. so I need to go over there a few times a day. thank God I do not work in a full-time job or I don't know what would happen.
This morning I woke up with not just panic attacks, but chest pains.
I want to disassociate myself from her completely, but I feel awful for even feeling that way.
Yesterday she told me, "Don't call me mom anymore." "I don't have a daughter." and "how can you take HER side?" (caregiver) - But the icing on the cake was when she pointed a crooked finger at me and looked at me as though she were putting a curse on me, and said with a wry smile, "Your time is coming, and when it does I'll be there to twist it!!!"
ugh! Thanks for letting me post. Not a question really just had to get it out.

25 Comments

I remember your earlier post when you were having trouble with the former caregiver who had some very serious mental issues, and your mother was resisting a new caregiver b/c of the attachment she formed to the former one.

Unfortunately, it doesn't seem as if the situation has improved any. I think your mother is guilting you and "jerking your chain" to make you miserable, taking all of her frustration out on you.

I don't recall if your plans were to keep your mother in her own home, but it sounds as if she's becoming too hard to handle, either for you or a caregiver. However, I don't know if she'd be better or worse (probably the latter) if you found a facility for her.

I haven't been through this situation and won't pretend to know what to do, other than recognize that her behavior is going to take a very severe emotional toll on you, and you need to remember that the verbal cruelty as well as the uncooperative behavior is probably going to affect you more than her.

The only thing I can suggest is to keep addressing the medication issue to see if one can be found that addresses this behavior.

I wish you luck and success; this is a difficult situation and I'm sure is very emotionally challenging and depressing for you.
aw, thanks GA. Reading answers - even just people that understand and can empathize, is worth its weight in gold. She's just so d*mn HATEFUL to ME now... and to the caregiver. The new lady says, "Hey, let's go shopping! Let's have pie and coffee! Let's paint your fingernails!" No, No, and NO!!!!! She rejects her at every attempt at bonding. She refuses to allow her to help in any way, and she literally doesn't even remember that the woman made her a STELLAR breakfast fit for a queen this morning as she grumbled, "I don't remember eating anything.... she doesn't do anything..."
She is absolutely miserable and when I yell back (because at some point, I can't help it!) she will begin to sob and cry that she wants to die. Otherwise she wants to kill me. She is losing control over what she says is HER HOUSE (and it is) and does not understand that we are just trying to keep her IN it so she can have one-on-one care. She insists she can live alone and refuses to move or to accept help. I repeatedly tell her "it's this, or that!"..... thank you for hearing my vent. It helps me.
Nikki, notwithstanding the memory issues, it sounds as if she's being stubborn and deliberately taking control of the situation, manipulating you and the caregiver. All she has to do is cry or yell or refuse and she's taken that control away from you and the caregiver. It's like a tug of war - her on one end pulling her length of the rope and you trying not to be dragged and knocked down.

After reading about so many similar situations on this forum, I'm beginning to see this as somewhat like the Terrible Twos children go through when control is an issue to be wrested from the parents....foot stomping, screaming, tantrums, laying down on the floor and yelling, crying... and manipulating, or attempting to do so.

I haven't gone through this on any level as you have, but I'm just wondering, and hope others with more specific experience will offer their advice, if it's time to just stomp your foot and say NO!

Granted that losing control over one's bodily functions and house is traumatic, but the sturm und drang heightens it and really prevents any sensible solution.

Another issue is that there are the 2 of you in this situation, and 3 if the caregiver is included, and some compromise is necessary. She can't have her way all the time. This especially applies to staying in her house. If she won't attempt to cooperate, you can't be expected to bend over backward to accommodate her. Cooperation is a 2-way street.
Sometimes they can seem outright evil, Nikki. Then they can turn around and be sweet as angels. It's hard to know what to do. I know you're just venting and don't need advice -- you know as much as I do about these things. Just wanted to say that I know how exasperating it can be. It would be so much easier if the people we cared for were always pleasant to be around.

What I think we all need is a day on a warm beach, watching the waves roll in and out while we sip on our favorite beverage.
Jessie, you don't know how much the image of a warm beach with softly rolling waves sounds so tempting! It's howling outside, there was another snowfall last night, only a few inches but on top of an earlier fall which covered up ice underneath. A few more inches are expected this afternoon, along with intermittent squalls, winds up to 35 mph....and on and on.

Driving alerts, weather advisories, etc. are posted. The best thing to do is hunker down inside with some warm clothes and blankets and a good book.

My hot chocolate stash is going to be rapidly depleted.

BRING ON SPRING!
Well, I live in FL, and today we woke up to 45 degree weather outside. For us, that's pretty chilly, even though I was born and raised in Connecticut.
I love the cold because it affords me the "excuse" to hunker down under an afghan with a Stephen King book and SOUP!
But this whole thing with mom is just getting dumb. I actually did stand up to her and say ok, we're done playing this game. Whether you accept it or not, this is how it is.
Her response? i'll call the cops! I said go for it. You'll be the one getting dragged away.
She doesn't get that it's "the law" for her caregiver to be there. She won't get it, or accept it, and she needs new meds for sure.
She has always been neurotic and a worrywart. oh, and controlling.
So there's probably some lovely disorder lying co-morbidly inside her head somewhere.
It's just a sad state of affairs. When I yell back, she tells me to get the hell out of the house and "take that girl with you!" Ha ha, as if.
As if it's a picnic for the caregiver. When I remind mom of her horrid behavior to her "guest" as she puts it, she denies EVER saying awful things to her.... (after I have heard her with my own ears.)
It's just a Carousel of Crazy 'round here.
On the other hand, the snow is crystally today, with little sparkles like rhinestones which shine in the glint of the sun.

And the wind chill is a warm 3 degrees above zero, much better than the negative wind chills in other states.

A little critter with a jleaping span of about 3' has dashed across the open area of the back yard, shortening its stride to less than a foot in the protection of the trees.

At least I'm not a critter that has to live outside in this weather. That's something for which to be thankful.

Nikki, I apologize for redirecting your thread but just had to respond to Jessie's weather comments.
I do think you're right to stand up to her. Let her call the police. Maybe they'll even charge her after she harasses them with numerous allegedly threatening situations.

Do you think she understands when you tell her you're through playing games?
GA, nope, I don't think she understands. Further, she thinks there is a conspiracy. lol Bottom line is I am done walking on eggshells and the repetitive snippy insults, nasty comments, and full-on temper tantrums that result in her screaming and shaking her fists at me are beginning to just piss me off and push me away further. She is taking her last stand at being the BOSS of her home. She has no concept that she simply cannot any longer, and that is really sad. For all of us!
Do you think that an in patient stay to adjust her meds is in order?

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