I'm writing this mostly as self-therapy but I'll be glad if anyone here has any suggestions. I was taking care of my grandmother who had been suddenly hospitalized two months ago. She was 93 and had Sepsis, which has very high mortality rate. However, after being discharged from the hospital, she was making very good recovery.
Now to my problem. I had quit my job to search another one before my grandmother had taken ill. I decided to go slow on my job search and help my family take care of my grandmother. My parents are themselves old, so they needed me to take charge. I mostly did well in the initial month. However as days became weeks, I started panicking about my career. And started to resent, what I thought was, less contribution by other family members.
And I took out my frustration by shouting at everyone, even at my grandmother who was recovering. Besides I had foolishly thought that my grandmother was out of danger and was relentlessly making her take more food orally, try to walk etc. In all this I forgot to be nice and more kind, which I would have perhaps been if I had known that she won't recover. I kind of played the part of a strict hospital nurse who get things done, instead of a loving grandson in the last days of a person's life.
Suddenly my grandmother's Sepsis returned. Without going into details, I failed to re-admit her to the hospital in time, because I didn't clearly interpret the symptoms. When I eventually got the ambulance and took her to the hospital, it was too late and she died on my lap before we reached.
My family members and also the doctor had advised not subjecting her to further invasive medical treatment. So her spending her last days at home instead of ICU was perhaps not a bad outcome. But this didn't give me time to get back on happy terms with her again.
Now, I'm struggling with severe guilt. I feel I was not nice and kind to her in her last days, even though I was managing her medical needs. I did not get many of our relatives to come and visit her, because I felt, we could do that later on. I also wonder if all the force-feeding and exercises over a month, were worth it when I could have just let her be and only did what she wanted to do.
I have always felt that I don't have enough Emotional Intelligence and hurt people without meaning too. But this time, I have hurt a person whom I dearly love, in her last days, and have no way of fixing it anymore.
I have resolved to make up by taking better care of the rest of my family going forward and learn to control my emotions under pressure, but still not sure how I'll get over this mistake.