Husband gets verbally and physically aggressive.

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I am 5'2" and 135 lbs, 56 yrs old. My husband is 5'10" and 238 lbs, 65 yrs old. He sustained a severe TBI almost 5 years ago (after 17 yrs of marriage) and has now had dementia for 2 years. He has no memory of our life together. He spent 18 months I. An aggressive TBI rehab prior to the onset of dementia but now he's been home for 2-1/2 yrs and I am his only caregiver. I am losing patience from spending my life now doing nothing but taking care of him and getting causes at and pushed and screamed at whenever I don't answer him the way he wants ornif I don't act sickly sweet to him constantly and stop and listen to all of his nonsense all day long as he wants to show me page after page of pages from golf magazines and catalogs that he tears page about of and looks at and circles items in and writes on ALL day long. He cannot carry on a sensible conversation and I feel bad but sometimes I just cannot deal with it or be sweet. Today was one of those days. He screams at me so loud he strains his vocal cords to do so and he gets so irate within seconds and them will forget it all just seconds later and cal me honey or ask me something like nothing has happened and I am fuming. I know I'm supposed to tell myself it's his brain injury and dementia and not the man I married but it gets very hard to separate the two. He will routinely tell me ' get the F out of here you GD dumb...' Whatever and tell me when I tell him about his outbursts a few moments before that no, he did t say or so what I'm saying. I've recorded him on my phone and shown to him immediately after and he tells me it is not him--that it's my brother (who lives in another state) or it is his brother who died 8 yrs ago. Today I showed him a mirror and held it next to the video I was showing him but that made him angry because he still claims it is not him. He's driving me nuts but then, line now, when he's in bed fast asleep and I know he won't have a clue about his behaviors tomorrow, I feel bad for him again and feel I am being a bad caregiver. I don't know how to live in this vicious cycle much longer without losing my mind. But I know he would not be content living in a care facility, although I believe the care would be better for him and I know the relief of the caregiving burden would greatly reduce my stress and anxiety and allow me to have a life where I could have grandkids over again and leave the house once in a while. I had to place cake pans out on the porch in the snow today that my daughter-in-law wanted to use because when Abe called, my husband was having one of his fits at me so she didn't come in or bring my two grand babies in to see me--telling them 'not today--papaw doesn't feel good.' That breaks my heart and makes me angry all at the same time. I must keep the doors locked with a deadbolted that uses a key from inside to keep him from getting out but I am isolated in here with him day after day. Does anyone have any words of wisdom for me and do you agree I sound lime a horrible person losing patience with it all when it's not who he used to be at all and I know it's not really him?


The simplest way is to let him out, then call the police that he is delirious and assaultive and have him hauled away. You have to give him up or you will end up dead. There is no other answer. Let go. Let God.
Pstgeman - but it's not his fault. When he was in his right mind, he deplored men who were verbally or physically abusive to their wives. He was a deputy at one time about 12 years ago and was a very respected man. It's all so uncharacteristic of him and I often feel that by losing patience sometimes, it just agitates him more. When he lashes out at me, it makes me want to get through to him what he's doing and to remind him I'm his wife who does it all for him but be doesn't even realize he can't do for himself. So then we're lime a couple of raving lunatics screaming back and forth--him callings names or swearing at me and me telling him it's ridiculous how he's acting and that he needs to calm down. I wish I could just keep up the sickening sweet phi sod all the time and go along with his 10 hrs or so of complete nonsense each day but sometimes I get to where I just can't go it another minute. I pray for strength and more patience. I wish I were a more loving caregiver like many who I read about but I'm becoming bitter that my life has basically already ended because if his condition and I can barely even see my grandchildren anymore because of his outbursts and lack of tolerance
AloneinKY, you sound like an angel who is all alone dealing with something that is beyond what anyone can handle alone. I know you love him and it is not his fault, so I know you don't want to leave him. A terrible tragedy happened and the only thing you can do is pull together resources to help you deal with it. You need a team of people on your side. Do you have a social worker who you can contact to do a needs assessment? That may be a good first step. Many people have dealt with TBI and the personality changes that go with it, so there may be much advice and help out there for you. Talk to someone at the county office so you can figure out how to get some help.
I forgot to mention to check in your area to see if there are support groups for TBI. Many cities have them. People going through it themselves can be a wonderful source of information for what resources are available.

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