Growing up in life I was always told by many these statements, (Never make a deal with family and never loan a family member money). May sound harsh to hear the truth but, that is a 100% fact to remember. I found that sometimes even attempting to help a family member in the long run ends up going sour or finger pointing.
Family relationships are just fine until families become involved with greed, money and control. Elderly's Wills & trusts play a big factor in family relationships. Caregivers go bad over greed and most elderly people use their Wills or Trusts to scam, obtain free help from family members.Sometimes it's hard to bare the truth.
I have a short story,
Two Sons named Joe , Mike and their Mother. Mike became Mother's POA and caregiver 7 yrs ago. Mike always had money and high dollar items. Joe always wondered where Mike was getting the money to buy these things. Everytime Joe went to the local casino Joe would see Mom and Mike their. Mom always had lots of money to gamble on. Joe always wondered if Mike was spending Mom's money but, He never had proof of it.
4 months ago Mike died in a car crash. Mike was Mom's POA. Since Mike died Mom has no POA. Mom came to Joe asking if Joe would take care of her. She told Joe if you take care of me, When I die you can have the house and all my money. Joe agreed to take care of Mom for two reasons,(1) If he didn't who else will! and (2) He will get it all when she dies. Greed was some factor in play. Dollar signs makes anyone see greed. So, Joe agreed to care for his Mother.
Joe became Mother's POA. Joe learned that Mike about drained Mother dry. Mother only has $20,000 and her house to her name. Joe would like to have the family house to keep in the family when Mother dies. But, that won't happen now because, Mother will need those assets for nurcing home or heathcare down the road. Mother is lieing to Joe saying that Mother has alot of money but, Joe now knows she don't. Mike & Mother gambled it all away yrs ago. Mother is using her Will to obtain Joes free help. Mother now has dementia and is very hateful to Joe. Joe doesn't feel guilty. Joe feels used. Joe feels he is now stuck taking care of his Mother without any inheritance.Some tell Joe to have the family house get put into a trust so Joe could keep the house in the family. Joe feels guilty on attempting to do that because, Mom may need to sell the house for healthcare down the road.It's the family farm that's been in the family for over 200 yrs.
Does Joe go with the thought of greed to save the farm with a trust or give it up and let a nurcing home/Medicaid have it?
Joe hopes that Mom dies at home to avoid nurcing homes.Mother still lives in her home. If Mother goes into a nurcing home bye bye to the family farm. It's not greed it's the family farm at stake. What's Joe to do?
I think that greed is the wrong word. What I think is objectionable is when someone steals, especially when someone is stealing from a helpless old man or old lady. Anyone's motives can be questioned when they are caring for an elderly person. It comes with the territory. No doubt, most family members will want to question the person handling the finances about the finances. Problems arise when the values of the siblings or other family members are not aligned.
From personal experience, I have seen family members that will not hesitate to take or use funds that belong to a dementia patient. This is not greed. This is just someone being a bloodsucking parasite. Unable to make their way in this world, they prey upon their own relatives. They view dementia as an opportunity for easy money.
In the example provided by dogabone, Joe has to figure out his own values. Does he emotionally care for his mother? The job of being a caregiver is so all-encompassing that even children with great emotional ties have difficulty. I, personally cannot imagine caring for someone whose welfare was not important to me. In my opinion, if someone's main objective is to look for financial gain from someone else's illness, they are a lowlife, a parasite or worse, but they are not greedy.
That and whatever is left I will pay half . I can't afford to pay half and I have stopped all contact with her. She and my brother have 800 thousand in bonds,etched said that's what my brother would do if he was alive PayHalf. Well she should have half of this responsibility then. What do you think of this ? Your opinion please. I am still dealing with anger issues .especially when getting my mother ready every morning doing hair,etc I will get nothing in return except knowing I did right thing, so if you get a house or anything, consider yourselves lucky!
In fact, even 5 years down the road, if Mom does have to go into a nursing home, Joe could pay what would be a fair "rent" on the property to Mom, so she could afford extras in the nursing home. Maybe bump up to a private room or hire someone to take her on extra outings and such.
Well, when all the paperwork was filed for the lawsuit and Dear Sis got POA for my mother (after about 3 months), she immediately put her in Assisted Living.
Hubby and I got Mother out of assisted living and she has lived with us ever since. Dropped the lawsuit as soon as she could get her attorney to understand that she worked for HER.. and not my sister.
Argh.
Now my sister is telling everyone who will listen that I stole her inheritance and I stole all of my mothers money. Absolutely not true. My mom has a decent life now. Her money pays for someone to stay with her when I'm at work. She goes to thrift stores and out to eat and generally does what she wants... with her money.
The last time I saw my sister she was giving me the finger with both hands, screaming "F-you!" at the top of her lungs, accusing me of being a thief, yelling how she was going to "ruin and destroy" me.. telling me to "go to hell" and "I want you to die right now and go to hell" Seriously disturbed, manic stuff. All the time my mom is there, scared, thinking of how Sis does keep a loaded gun in her car.
Holy crap. All I did was follow the lawyers advice and try to do the best I could for my mom.
And for this, I get screamed at.
I did, once Dear Sister quieted down, tell her that she had better cool it on telling everyone who would listen that I had taken all Moms money and cheated her out of her inheritance, cause it was in my power to do just that. If she wanted to ruin my reputation, It was in my power to make sure I was well compensated for it.
Shut her up right quick.
I could have bought a bigger, nicer house but it's essential funds be preserved for my mother's care and I'm slowly renovating as funds and time allow. I've always lived simply, done for myself by myself and forever ago learned to shop in thrift stores for clothes, furniture and furnishings and it became a way of life. Mind you I don't bat an eye at what it costs to feed and care for my dogs & cats - they live like kings & queens :)
The taxes on this house (with 2 acres) are 1/4 of what they would be in town plus I have a well and septic tank so no water or sewer charges and my old truck runs perfectly tyvm. I'm getting a wood stove installed before next winter to cut down my hydro bills and, for health reasons, starting to grow some of my own food - "homesteading" if you like. I'm no angel, just very practical.
If my Parents would have lived to see their elderly yrs.Would I agree to be their caregiver?Sometimes I wonder?You may get along with your Parents now but,when becoming their caregiver changes relationships to the worse I think.Many things come into play becoming a caregiver for a loveone.Becoming a caregiver you learn more about your Parents.Some things you learn you may wish you never learned.Some may find your relationship was better before becoming a caregiver or wish you never agreed to be a caregiver in the first place.
Becoming your Parents caregiver results in learning their darkside of hatefulness.In time your'll be accused of things and finger pointing in your direction for no reason other then being their punching bag.The unfairness is caregivers has no punching bag to punch.The #1 reason why siblings agree to be caregivers /POAs for their Parents is out of greed to recieve a inheritance.Thinking if they take care of their Parents they will get a inheritance.
I see people on this forum with Will questions when their parents are still alive.Just shows what greed will do to most if not all people.$$$$$ signs they see.
Your Parents worked all their lives and knew how to save.They didn't work & save for your retirement.In the end most elderly people rather burn the money then see anyone have it truth be told.Most elderly people use their Wills to obtain fee help form their children because,most elderly people are too cheap to pay or to give a dime.If your a caregiver for your Parent.Truth be told,most likely your just being used.Because,if they wanted you to have any money?They would give it to you while their still alive to enjoy your look on your face.
Replace the word "loan" with the word "give." If you loan a family member money and they don't pay it back, it's a family problem. If you give it to them, there's no problem, at all. If you don't want to give it to them, then keep your money in your bank account and don't talk about it, again.
As for caring for someone in order to get something in the end, that's just a deal with the devil. Give them your time because you want to because you can never guarantee you'll get the house, money, etc... If you do it because you want to, you won't end up being used.
Look at what she gets in SS per month. If her husband was a wartime Vet, she can get another $1113 in VA Aid. Often this covers Assisted Living or in home care. EXample: $1600 in SS and $1113 from VA= $2713/month. If she draws another $300/mo off the $20K savings, it would last five years.
If Joe buys the farm at a fair market price of $200,000 over thirty years, he would pay her $556/month. She would have $3659/month for care for the first five years. And Medicaid only looks back five years. See the Attorney.