Going away/out without Grandma with dementia.

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So my grandma has alzheimers and lives with me,my brother & his gf and my parents. My uncle (which is her son) visits or stays with her at times when one of us can't stay home with her,since she can't be left alone. My parents recently went away for a few days for their anniversary,so me and my brother took care of her and everything while they were gone. My brother was working so me and my brothers gf went to pick up my parents at the airport tonight,so my uncle came by for about 2 1/2 hours while we did that,which we told her multiple times he was coming & he was gonna bring her dinner and what not.

When we walked in the door tonight,she had her hands on her hips and gave us a really angry look. We just smiled and my parents said hi, how are you and she just said,don't smile at me with a straight face and said,why were you gone so long? She didnt ask how they were or anything,she was just upset that we left to pick them up and that we werent home with her,not mad that they went away.
I just told her that its okay and that it was an hour there and back and we stopped for dinner so it took awhile and she just gave me a dirty look and literally glared at all of us.

I felt bad for my parents,especially my mom because we all welcomed them home and she was happy to have a little break and she comes home to her mother mad at her. Also,she was initially uspet when we told her they were going away but the whole time they were gone,she didnt mention them at all until the day they were coming home.
She has done this before when we went out for a few hours one day and my Uncle stayed with her. The thing is,my Uncle doesnt really visit unless we ask him to stay with her so we can all go out as a family when she doesnt want to come with us,so we dont ask much. My mom handles all her bills,food shopping,laundry,doctor appts,etc. yet my grandma praises my Uncle for staying with her once in a while and gets mad anytime we ask him to,I guess she feels like hes a babysitter for her. I understand that she sees it differently and doesnt understand but its just stressful to even go out.

But,its not fair to always have someone stay behind with her because she wont go with us or because we are scared of getting her upset.
We feel like atleast she is in the comfort of her own home and knows who my uncle is of course so it isnt like some stranger is with her.

Its just upsetting when you have a good day with your family and then you come home and shes just so negative and acts like we did something wrong. I totally understand that she isnt as comfortable with her son as she is with all of us but we cant be with her 24/7 and just put our lives on hold.

We would love to go on vacations together (like we used to every year) in the future but I dont know if its possible at this point. How should we deal with this? Theres really nothing we can say when shes upset,she eventually gets over it but how can we make her understand or feel more comfortable I guess?


" My mom handles all her bills,food shopping,laundry,doctor appts,etc. yet my grandma praises my Uncle for staying with her once in a while " This is what I'd be mad about. Your mother is doing so much for your grandmother, and it appears that she isn't appreciated for all that she does.

As your grandmother progresses further into dementia, I hope your parents consider that their family's lives matter, and that your grandmother cannot continue to disrupt your family's lives even more.

Maybe at that time it will be time for your grandmother to move in with your uncle, and let him have his turn at caregiving?
Carry on regardless. Grandma will have her hissy fits and chuck her toys out of her pram from time to time whatever you do, it's one of the more depressing effects of dementia that a) she can't keep arrangements in mind and b) she'll get panicky and therefore angry about it; so as long as she's safe and everything is, objectively speaking, under control you should do whatever you were going to do anyway and let her be.

I agree it's sad and not nice, but it also isn't anything to do with reality. Give her a hug, tell her you're sorry she's upset and glad she's survived, and try not to let it rain on everything else. It sounds as if she has a brilliant family behind her.

And at least your uncle does do the granny-sitting from time to time, with good grace? That's a lot more than some golden boys I could mention.
Maybe Grandma should sell her house and go either to an assisted living or to a nursing home where she will eventually need to be and the rest of you get out and have your own life and house.
"Theres really nothing we can say when shes upset,she eventually gets over it but how can we make her understand or feel more comfortable I guess?"

You cannot *make* her understand or feel more comfy. Her brain is damaged and it will only get worse. Dementia/cognitive decline/Alzheimer's all rob a person of their executive function, their ability to think, and to remember things.

Now that you see the problem with your grandmother, help your mother make a plan for Grandma. It's so much easier if you think about it before there is a crisis. And look into a geriatric care/elder care manager to help with this because they are experts at planning and coordinating care.
Sorry, but you are never going to "please" her. I gave that up long ago.
With my 94 year old, stage 6-7 Alzheimer's mom, nothing is good, right, or the way it 'should' be. Her negativity is horrible, so sad. I just try to ignore "it" (translation; ignore mom) because it can get to you.

As your grandma's dementia advances, the "filters" on what she says will become less and less also. That means she will just say what comes to mind (like a 4 year old blurts out things that are offensive) instead of thinking about how what she says will affect other people.
Try not to pay too much attention to her "rants". Say "sorry" then walk away.
This disease is hard.

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