Wanting siblings to help....or should I just think of myself as an only child?

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My mom keeps wanting to go visit my sister but she lives 5 hours away, is it mean of me to think that my sister and brother should just visit their mother? I sent an email to my brother and sister and have told them before that traveling isn't going to happen much. They are just so "busy" Then my brother that lives 10 minutes away just texts me daily wanting to know when the new homecare service will start. He wants that so he can just have his own time and not be bothered. I just dont understand how they act this way we were raised by the same parents but I am the baby and did spend more time with my parents when they were older. I have been caring for my mom for many years not really even sure how long she has had dementia she has had brain injury since she was 16 which causes seizures and the meds have caused this condition. This site has really helped me deal with my stress but I have been thinking for weeks now about leaving my job to help dealing with my mom easier plus other reasons since I have such a stressful job. So in three weeks I will be away from working my crazy nighttime hours. Told them I can't keep my sanity when my mom is at home alone because my brother leaves her so Im just sitting at work thinking and worrying about her. My brother stops by for a few minutes but every night some sport event is more important than his mother.


Hi Chrissy:
Unfortunately, you're not going to change your sibilings' attitude at this late date; we are experiencing the same thing with my husband's brother who lives far away, but doesn't seem to want to step up to the plate much -- so we are caring for Mom who is living with us now. However, what you can do, and we have done this, is to sit down with the siblings and have a frank discussion (without a lot of drama, emotion if that's possible) and tell them you need definite time off; make out a schedule that suits both of you with definite respite care time for you. Tell your brother that he needs to be there during that time. Having open family discussions like this and with a definite plan for your respite in mind often helps. It at least allows you to vent in a constructive way and plan for some time for him to be there to take responsibility. If you don't get away and get some time for yourself especially if you are the main caregiver, and insist upon it, it will be harmful for everyone involved including your mom. I think you should defintely have a family discussion and line out a plan with your brother for him to be there when you are not. Hope this helps. I feel your pain.
chrissy, it appears your siblings are quite comfortable with things the way they are and with you shouldering the load. Well isn't that nice of 'em! And now you're going to quit your job. If you want to quit that's one thing, if you can afford to quit that is one thing, but quitting because you need to be with mom is another. I cringe every time I read on here about people quitting their jobs and then asking for advice on how to live. Excuse me??? So now your sibs are getting yet another pass. I'd have a family meeting so you can hear straight from the horses' mouths that they aren't going to support their mother or YOU. Then you consider yourself an only child. I told my sister exactly that. She didn't give a rats hind end but at least I got it off my chest.
Can your mom go to senior daycare? Can you hire someone to come in for a few hours while you're at work to sit with her? Please realize that once you quit your job and stay home with her, you are stuck unless you want to spend 24/7 with her. Don't cut off your nose to spite your face. No sibling is worth that. Keep repeating this...I cannot control my siblings, I cannot make them want to help, I cannot make them care. Then when you get one of those moments full of frustration and anger, just repeat it again.
They don't care what you do, they will continue to do what they do. I was working and going to school when I started taking care of our Mother 5 yrs ago. Neither brother or sister work, but live at different ends of the "spectrum", so to speak.
I am that Lovely Middle Sister--Right, MARY?!?! I balance everything out.
They don't want to work? OK, I will do it. I "ruin everything" for telling them they are selfish to not offer any help? OK. Yes, I am the bad guy. What--EVERRRR.
Now I'm over it, and hope you get there, too. It's too exhausting. Hugs, xo
your siblings are likely jealous of the close relationship you have with your mother and all they will likely do is gossip amongst themselves and criticise your caregiving efforts. its not easy but the best thing to do imo is ignore them and go on doing what your doing. if they see you struggling they will enjoy every minute of it. when your elder eventually passes i think youll be at peace and they will wallow in guilt.. my mom sometimes drives me bat crap crazy but i never let my sisters know it.
Yes I did talk to all my siblings last night and told them that I will be taking time for myself. Last trip I planned didn't work due to the weather but that is my fault for planning a trip in winter. I am quitting my 2nd shift job but I am getting a daytime job whether it starts as part time to see how that works better. My current job is bad in more ways than one with the late hours, terrible management and just way too much stress with everything else that is going on. Wish I could just not work but I would get bored. I want to enjoy my job again, I can't say I have enjoyed my job for a long time thanks to management, being told you are worthless and know nothing everyday gets to be frustrating. My mom is going to adult daycare mon-fri and now homecare will start next week again. haven't had homecare in over 6 weeks the other service ran out of "caregivers" that would come to my house. Im the "baby" of the family and my siblings may be jealous. I have told my sister to plan sometime for her to spend time with mom when my niece is out of school but I won't hold my breath. I will be talking to my brother to plan another mini vacation should help now if I can find some good homecare.
Hi chrissyall23. I too am the baby in the family. I left my career to care for my Mom who needed 24/7 caregiving in 2008.

Its the hardest job in the world.

If your unsure... don't leave your life behind. Wait until you are sure. As for sibs... they each have to deal with their decisions on what their relationship with mom will be. I couldn't rely on my sibs and at times it was frustrating and hurtful to both my Mom and myself.

But we got through it all together. I was often exhausted beyond belief. I couldn't make my sibs visit or call. But sometimes, I'd call them and hand the phone to Mom so she could talk to them because she needed to connect with her kids.

Through the years of care, I became my Mom's subject matter expert (SME), best friend, and psuedo parent. You will too. Love her every day. Spoil her. Make every day the best it can be for both you and your Mom, regardless of what siblings say.

I have thought about leaving my job for quite a while now. But I just feel now is the time to make her my priority, I will still be working just hopefully better hours. I have been very unhappy at my job due to way they treat us employees. Sitting there everynight worrying about my mom just adds to my stress level. I am currently dating someone but I have learned to not depend on any of these guys to stick around but sure hope he does. Just decided I was wasting my life at a job I hated because everyday I would cry when it was time to work and cry again when i was going home. I plan on doing everything I can to keep that smile on my mom's face. Daycare is closed on good friday and I will not be working so we will spend the day together and have a good time. I understand about calling them and have her talk to them. I am working on getting them on schedule to call her but it usually doesn't last long.
It's not unusual ! So many of us caregivers have siblings not contributing. On a good day , I think to myself its there loss. I have 3 brothers, all who live in the same state as I do. They have not even called since mom came to live with us 4mon. ago. Called for family meeting, and they never even responded. I recently was away to womans retreat with my church. Had to get other family to come and get her prepared for ADC, during my absence. Will be planning for summer vacation soon. I say this to encourage you, to be good to you. It's a must! Use whatever resources that are available, like respite. I'm Christian, so I lean and find daily strength in the word of GOD. The bible instructs us to honor thy mother and father. So for the siblings that aren't doing that, I believe they'll reap what they sow.
Beaches, my siblings must have missed that about honoring father and mother. All three of them are so religious but have no compassion for their own mother. I haven't been attending church but depending how my schedule gets that should be changing. They tell me I will be a better person if I go to church but I just reply with they would be better if they remembered they have a mother. I will be taking some mini vacations myself depending on my new job situation. Many have told me not to quit my job but its just draining me and I really am tired of being unhappy. Adult daycare is a big help, next week will be training new homecare caregiver. My one brother does help he does try i have to give him credit.
Chrissykall23, you say they are religious, that the issue. It's about relationship with Christ. For me I started by reading his word. For direction, for help and encouragement. Until you can attend church, ask God in prayer ( simply talking to him ) for strength and direction each day. I was advised, long ago to consider myself an only child. To rid me of having any expectation of my siblings. All I can say is, that just ain't reality. I love my siblings, but have difficuly accepting their choices and decision but believe in time they will come around. In the mean time
I feel like I'm becoming stronger , less resentful . So hang in there , and start planning that time away.

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