How do I cope with my angry sister?

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My mother needs 24 hours care and we try to allocate the work/Job. My Elder sister cannot handle stress and she put it out to her younger siblings (which is me and my husband and my brother). She wants attention and complains all the time. She blows out her grief (personal) all together. It puts on extra-stress to us on top of taking care mom.

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My sister always thought she would be the one to take care of mom when she was not able to care for her self. I lived out of state. There was no competition.
Then I moved in state. My sister became disabled too. At first she would cry to
mom and I because she was left out, there was nothing we could do about it.
She was in so much pain she could not function and was confined to a bed or a chair. I had to take over the power of attorney, because she would not obey doctors orders, was falling out of bed, getting hurt, couldn't take care of herself. I got a letter from her that was filled with such hate, I didn't know she was capable of such hate,along with a lot of other family problems, I finally had to stop talking to her. I still have her power of attorney. I would love to give her all the responsibility.
I am waiting for her to become well again. So she can do what ever she wants.
I encourage mom to call her, and be apart of her life. But it will never be the same.
I kept mom in my home as long as I possibly could. When she could not stand
and go to the bathroom by her self my husband and I and my disabled son did the
best we could. But it got worse. I couldn't help her anymore. It was killing my
back. My husband travels alot. And, she was in pain all the time. We finally took
mom to " Health Center. But it costs $5,600.00 at least per month. My one bro.
has taken out a loan to pay for it. (he is trying to buy Moms House I property) but
my younger brother is trying to stop him. If he can't buy the property he will be
stuck with a huge debt. I have paid as much as I can as well.
The rest of the family insists that we can afford it? This must be what hell is like?
You just can not reason with unreasonable people. Mom just wants to see her
kids. She loves them all, and she forgets everything they do if they just visit her?
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Care, We have a private non profit agency in this part of our state that provides services for the elderly. They evaluate each case by health issues and income. Everyone is assigned a case worker and there are at least 3 or 4 home visits per year.
If they deem a person eligible for help with needed services like daycare, then they pick up a percentage of the cost and leave you with a copay determined by your finances. No insurance or Medicare is involved. Because of Mom's condition they just approved her for 4 days instead of 3 each week.
We are very lucky to have a long standing adult daycare in our small town and it is less than a mile from our home. You might want to check for these type agencies in your area. By all means research your grandpa's insurance and see if they will pay for some of the cost. Also, the daycare should be able to help with that information. Good luck!
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Deefer/jeannegibbs have good advice. Take it! When I could get my Mother to go to adult daycare, she loved it!

On SibIings: Sounds like your sister is venting her frustration. My sib's did that often to me. They have a lot of guilt, anxiety, grief, and helpless feelings to deal with. SO DO YOU. Counseling does help. But also realize that at times everyone that's trying to help an ill parent handles it differently. I had sib's that were so awful to me and to our Mom when she was alive. ... and now they regret it.

Pick a time when you are calm and your sib is calm and tell them how much Mom loves them. Tell them how every little thing they do to help... Mom knows it. While your doing that... tell yourself the same. You are doing an awesome job taking care of your Mom. And your Mom feels the love you all have for her even if she cannot express it.

What your doing is beyond exceptional. Your Mom raised you right!
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caregiver75104, Medicaid (Elderly Waiver) pays for adult day care. Whether there is a "copay" depends on the particular budget worked out for the recipient by the case worker annually.
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@deefer12 i am caregiver for my grandpa and I've been thinking about taking him to an adult day care. he has medicaid and medicare. is that the kind of insurance you have paid for your mom's care to get that copay?
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Your sister is not your priority. It sounds like you and your brother are overwhelmed with mom's care. Have you looked into adult daycare in your area? Check with the local senior center. Most have someone on staff that is knowledgeable in local elder services. My mom is in daycare from 9-3 4 days a week, and an elder service pays for most of the cost. Mom has a monthly copay of $83!!! It's hard getting her up, dressed and fed. She is in a wheelchair and it's not easy getting her in and out of the car either, but I manage to get her there 4 days a week. It's good for her to be out of the house with others and it allows me to get things done at home and run errands, etc.
I would start to back away from your sister's drama without causing more and concentrate on arranging mom's care so that you and your brother can have less stress.
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the other poster suggests that your sister gets counseling. an angry bitter person will only get defensive if they hear the word "counseling". it is useless. you can suggest to your sister that if she can not handle the stress of taking care of mom. she needs to contribute financially so you can hire a home health aide to come assist or take her to an adult day care for when you and your other siblings need respite.
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Gee, it sounds like both your mother and your sister demand you attention and need care. That is probably more than you can reasonably deal with.

Suggest kindly to you sister that she might benefit from some counseling and offer to help her find something suitable.

Limit your contact with Sis. If she calls excessively, not answer all of her calls. Don't engage in her complaints. Change the subject. If she is critical of you or brother (but not offering to help) say, "I'm sorry you feel that way," and move on to another topic.

Your sister cannot handle stress. That may be legitimate. If she has a mental disorder continue to love her and be kind to her, but detach with love. You are not a mental health professional and you can't solve her problems and complaints. You are too busy to give her as much attention as she craves. She is going to have to get her needs met elsewhere. And please keep firmly in you mind that this is Not Your Fault.
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