Yes, I know burned out.

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Im sorry but feel like I really need to say something I guess maybe I shouldnt be on here anymore starting to feel certain ways but I want all to know I really appreciate all feedback and to those of you that have been kind to me you will never know how much i appreciate that,I need and have to say to Pamstegman yes yes yes I know how burned out I am as you put it beyond but say to you isnt there any other way you can say things that would be somewhat kind not that I want pity or anyone to feel sorry for me thats not it but even after you comment its never followed by something nice ,my situtation goes even further then caregiving so honestly you do not or could even imagine why that little remark would bother me so much. I have seen things before by you that I would think to myself not so nice and it is not the fact that you are saying burned out. Thats all have to say to you ,but for others who are reading this I was close and made my life my mother and grandmother and I feel like Im going thru grieving in my own way my mom is last to go I ahve lost all my family members and I know mom being sick isnt her fault but I do not know if this feeling is normal or not but I think I scream cuz I have so much anger because I feel like she should not be sick or this way and me I have protected her so long I know I cannot do nothing to stop whats happening and also I do n ot feel proud or nothing of myself for taking care of her. So all this being said I wanted some of you to understand me but noe for tythe first time on here I feel totally stupid AND AGAIN PAM are you ever kind . to ones who were kind to me thank you so much sandy22


My heart aches for you. I am praying for you.
Sandy, you should be on here as long as you want to be on here, and as long as it helps you. If the style of certain people bothers you, perhaps you would feel better just skipping those responses. There are very few people on here who are really unkind, but we all have different styles and ways of presenting our kindly-meant advice.

I know you have posted quite a bit, but I have a hard time keeping track of different stories when I can't go back to a profile to refresh my memory. What country are you in? Is your mother on Hospice care? I don't know about where you are, but here Hospice offers some respite time, where they take over and you can have a few days to yourself, to recharge your batteries. If anything like that is available to you, please take advantage of it. You have been doing this for a looooong time and you deserve a break!

You say you don't feel proud for taking care of your mother? Why on earth not? What you have done is wonderful and you deserve to feel proud. (And it doesn't have to be perfect to be a source of pride!)

Life is not fair! Your mother should not be sick or have dementia! You've tried so hard to protect her and keep her safe, and here she is, dying anyway and you can't do anything to stop it. Of course you are angry! I think anger is appropriate. Try not to direct your anger at your mother or an people who are trying to help.

There is nothing you can do to stop the disease processes. But there is a lot you can do to comfort your mother, make her feel loved, help her feel valued. If your anger is so overwhelming you can't do those things, then first take a break and then see a counselor who can help you deal with the anger.

I think you are very insightful when you say you are grieving. When a loved one has dementia you lose that person bit by bit, memory by memory, and mourning those losses makes sense. Be kind to yourself in your grief. If possible, share your grief with a close friend or other family member.

You are not stupid, Sandy. That is obvious. And you are kind and caring. And you are in mourning -- be gentle with yourself. I hope you can arrange a break to recharge your batteries.
sandy22 - i empathize with every single word you said, i can relate, and feel very much the same way. it is just my mother and me. there are other distant family members but all of them long ago washed their hands of this mess, including my only sibling, a brother in SC.

as for the pamstegman comments, i mean no disrespect to pam but i too find her comments to be over the line a lot of the time. as an alcoholic with 15 years sober i pay very close attention to people who talk about alcohlolic beverages. for someone like me who never drinks, those words are not even in my vocabulary, i don't even think about booze, haven't for many years. Ms.Stegman quite often admits to having a drink to cure what ails her, and openly recommends booze therapy to others. you have to be very careful when listening to drinkers, if at all, my suggestion is to ignore them completely. if anyone shows up at an AA meeting having had a drink during that day they are not permitted to open their mouth to share. it is common knowledge nothing good will most likely come of it. this is generally true of all persons under the influence, not just alcoholics.

please keep coming back, i enjoy your company here, have seen your name several times, like what you have to say, you're very honest and sensitive, it's rare these days.
I'm about to explode on this judgmental, nasty B****! How DARE you???????? I need to go move and feed Mom, but I will be back soon with a BIG piece of my mind! THIS T*** is a troll whom we know under another name. Somebody please tell her off until I get back to my pc. Mom has to come first.
shakingdustoff says i mean no disrespect to pam but from her comments here I can tell she is an alcoholic and no one should pay any attention to her

OH, PUL-LEEZE. Who appointed you judge and jury? Pam's style is straight-forward and somewhat abrupt. That may put some people off. If you know she (or anyone else) irritates you, don't read her. Don't think you are entitled to psychoanalyze her and make your guesses public.

shakingdustoff, I sympathize with Sandy also. That doesn't inspire me to tear other people down. You think honesty and sensitivity are rare. You think this site is for suckers (from another of your posts). Why on earth do you persist in posting? Why keep reading comments of others when you have so little respect for us? Why not just find another site more to your liking?
Troll or no troll, I want to apologize for upsetting Sandy22. If she wants to focus her anger on me, that's OK. I would rather she wanted to kill me than kill herself. Anger is part of the grieving process, so is despair and hopefully, finally, acceptance of what is, with courage to move forward.
Thank you Jeanne! "Dusty" is one of the RARE rude offenders on this site and I have called her out on it both publicly and privately.
Pam's answers are always spot on, precise, to the point, and she has been a Godsend to many MANY people here. She might not cover her answers with glitter and confetti, but she is NEVER rude.
Her chit chat with Capt Bob has shown me that she has a sarcastic humor (like me) and I appreciate her "dead pan" responses.
Like Jeanne said DUSTY....if you don't like it here.GO AWAY!
Wow, been awhile since I have seen this kind of dissention among of the reasons , and I say one, that I love this site, is we get to hear different people expressing their support in different ways..... I don't read 'Dusty' so have no comment on that.... but I do know this site has been here for thousands and thousands of caregivers for many years.....
I sent this to Pam in a hug, but I decided to post it publicly as well. If you too appreciate this wonderful woman's advise, then "like it" to show her some support. Thanks, Boni

You amaze me. What a great response. I SO wish we were on my back porch with Bob and a few others, having a nice cold beer! LOL. You are not here for hand holding and emotional support, like some of us. You have SO much more to offer! You have every right to save your emotions for where they are truly needed, at home. God Bless you for all you do for the people here that need straight answers! You are very appreciated.
sorry, hit submit....but to continue.... I need the Pam's of this site, the ones that do not dress it up, just tell it like it is..... many do not read me either.... that's the choice we have here....And sometimes we do not cater to, or enable things that our own life experiences have taught us needs to be addressed directly....

I am a recovering alcoholic/addict with 30 years clean..... reading about someone drinking or suggesting drinking does not affect me one way or the other.... if they feel they have a problem, then we try to be supportive and encourage them to get help.... if not, then it's just 'conversation'.......good grief... we have such serious issues in our lives and need each other.... and hopefully we can be present for others..... but my experience here for many years, has taught me that these kinds of conversations are needed also..... to clear the air, to let some of us make a stand for others we like and believe in.... but it is NEVER ok to attack someone publicly....Sandy, hope you come back and find the help you need.... there are many 'voices' here.... and Pam is one of many...

Pam, if I could drink, you would be one of the few I would have a drink WITH....!!!!

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