Feeling so overwhelmed and alone this week.

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As i posted before my parents live about 90 miles from me in a somewhat isolated area. My dad has beginning stage dementia and they refuse to downsize or move closer to me. I am the closest sibling...the others live over a10 hour drive away in different states.

I finally found them a caregiver...which is not easy to find in that area...well..she quit yesterday. I also found them a guy to mow their 3/4 acre lawn..he also did not show up this week.

My sister was here last week..spent only one day with us and took off. My brother says he will come in july if the stars line up just right and he can get away from work. So basically they are around but not really...and only minimally.

When i tell them the caregiver quit they say...ahhh..thats too bad. Then go about there carefree lives as if nothing happened.

My sister says blah blah you should tell them to move closer ..not fair to you..blah blah. Well..bye..dont want to miss my flight. Got to get ready for my next vacation.

My moms younger sister lives as close to them as i do...but she only goes there every couple of months...when the stars align just right. Now she will call my mom regularly and lecture her on useless topics but that is as far as that goes. She is retired..and i have a full time, stresss filled job...oh..my sister is also not working.

Im not asking for much..just to not have the entire load on my shoulders. My sister was telling me i should call this person or that...i told her you dont have to live close to them to make calls. The trouble is that she makes a few calls..a few minutes out of her day..then when it doesnt work out she shrugs and gies back to her life.

When she was leaving last week i said how it must be nice to just leave all these problems behind and go off to her life. She said...welll...i....dont...know what to say. Ok..ready to go to bed.

Anyway just wanted to get this off my chest..its been a tough week. My parents are turning into a full time job...one that im not handling well at all.


KK, I hear you. Sometimes it takes an emergency to get the help they need. If parents won't move closer, then you may need to accept that. Do you know the caregiver quit, or could it be that parents fired her? You are doing the best you can in a very difficult situation. Also think about how it would be to be in parents shoes. I imagine they have lived in the house for a very long time, moving away from a quiet, remote spot would be difficult for anyone.
I spoke to the caregiver and she said the drive was getting to her and she had an opportunity to work closer to her home. I do think my mom had at least some part in it tho because she was talking about giving her less hours..as she thinks she doesnt need her as much.,

I do think my mom would prefer for me to do everything because then it appears as if they are able to live independently...which is an illusion.
Would the caregiver reconsider if you paid her mileage or time for travel? Mom probably did have something to do with it. Have you tried telling her that it is either the caregiver or moving because you WILL NOTbe able to help in the way she wants you to?

Yup, live independently, that is what my mom thinks she can do as well. But in my moms case it is Alzheimer's that causes her delusions.
Ooooh.....I see you traveling along the same road I have travelled not so long ago....I quickly became the go to person for my parents and my brother was the "ah it's too bad" guy....if I've heard that once I heard it a million times...the planets will never align just right for them to do what you need I fear...I hope I am wrong...but I am sitting here as we speak, now 2 1/2 years into this, having left my job, about to lose my house because I picked the worst realtor I could have found and now it's about to be foreclosed on...lost my health insurance, etc...you get the picture...sitting here tonight after a day of my sweet Mama just staring at me. feeling very VERY alone tonight....I'm not sure what to tell you. When my Dad was still living, and I saw them beginning to have a hard time handling things, I may have become a little too handy a little too soon. I think in some ways I made them more dependent on me. But I, like you, worried all the time about them...could not enjoy my own life for worrying about them. And I constantly got the whole verbage about "we'll be so glad when you just move back home"...for some reason it seems they never thought I should have my own life. I know they loved me....but there are times I think if they loved me like I needed them to they would have rather known I had a life of my own. I never married, never had children...and find myself many times feeling highly resentful because I always felt responsible for their happiness, which I truly think was not fair to me. Don't get me wrong, my parents were precious loving people and I know they loved me and just wanted me closer. Maybe they sensed I was not going to marry and so thought I'd be better off closer to them. Looking back, I should have either moved back a long time ago, or maybe not at all...I lean towards moving a long time ago...anywhoooo, I'm here now...my career is gone (for now) my retirement plan ..gone (pulled it to help living expenses) health insurance...gone....future??? uncertain....I just never figured out how to not feel so guilty for not being here and taking care of them....Dr. Phil where are you when I need you??? anyway, glad to meet you katiekay....I understand the wild array of assorted feelings and how hard it is to make all those decisions....
Oh god Hope..i feel for you..and i fear i am headed in that direction too. I just feel that it is so cruel and unloving to stick one person with this huge responsibility with no respite or help at all. I read your post about your brother concerned about how he is going to bury you...omg this makes me angry.

I dont think my siblings or my aunt have any idea of the fear,worry,anxiety i live with every day. I told my aunt (who is 15 years younger than my mother). That i had severe anxiety and would wake up at night with my heart pounding and she actually said...what would do you have to worry about? So clueless..

We did pay the caregiver for her driving time to my parents house...and upped her hourly pay..so she was making more there then her other jobs. I hate to beg someone to be there and have her there if her heart is not in it.
Know what you mean, I used to wake up all the time, feel incredibly guilty for not being there all the time, even before they got to where I might have needed to have been. I don't know, I think I just never planned on marrying until later in life, and then right at the time I actually started looking in that direction, BAM....life happened and all of a sudden it was MY responsibility. Sadly, because my brother already took everything they had after my Dad passed away except for this house, he isn't concerned about losing anything monetarily and he sure isn't volunteering any financial help...other than MAYBE ten dollars a week in grocery items here and there when the mood hits...I have always been active in animal rescue and when this all happened, I had several fosters, including my own cats. I had to bring them home of course. I wasn't about to abandon them. I got chewed out for that too. Told they weren't paying for me to have a bunch of d**n cats. It has been so unfair and so sad. And oddly enough I can tell they just don't give a s**t....
The burial thing. I am determined to do exactly what I told him....put my tombstone next to my parents and have it made the way I want it as otherwise I won't get anything but a concrete block most likely...THEN I will have it set in stone about my plans to be cremated and scattered down the hill...just like I told him...and to be honest, it is ok with me if they truly do just roll me down the hill and forget about it...I could not care less.
Katiekay keep venting! I know how you feel.. I agree with gladimhere that unfortunately it comes to an emergency for them to come to their senses..

Have they taken care of all their legal issues? Do they have a POA ? Will? Family Trust? This all needs to be addressed before the dementia becomes more advanced.?
Odd suggestion I know but......Do they have animals? a dog or farm animals?
The reason I ask is this: My hubby and I are animal companions (20 years now)We have taken jobs caring for pets and farm animals as well as property that have often lead to providing care,help and companionship to our human employers.We would feed the animals then serve lunch to our older human employers, do what needed be done around the house etc.
Sounds crazy but those who do care for animals are often more caring, more sensitive and far more reliable than employed caregivers.
If there are animals on the property try an animal companion and ask them to look in on your folks then report to you.This is an offbeat suggestion but in dire circumstances you often need to think out of the box.
Oh wow...do I have animals....yes, yes, and yes....lol....I have been active in animal rescue all my life and when Mama had her accident, I also had a lot of pets and fosters at the time. I had to bring them all home with me and they are actually a lot of company, but can be a lot of work too. Would take nothing for them. But I think that is a good idea.....

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