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I am sure we are not the only one's that feel that we went through the trials and tribulations of raising our son's, why should we have to raise our parents too. Responsibility is commendable but there are feelings there as well, whether they be dread or commitment. When my parents were my age now they were off to Europe, exploring the US and wintering in Florida without any worries, like my brother. We take mother to Dr. appointments, quarterly hospital stays and occasionally talk someone into watching her while we go out for an evening, sparingly. Not exactly the retirement I had planned. Do I regret taking her in? Not always just sometimes. I don't think I am abnormal, just human. Do I wish she would would hurry up and pass? Sometimes, again I am human. Guilt can be a very heavy noun. I guess our time will come, I just hope we are not too old to enjoy it. Our boy's will not endure this, this I vow. Anyone else?

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Something my mother says a lot that gets on my nerves is "Whenever I was your age I was still working and going hiking every weekend." I simply tell her that whenever she was my age she wasn't taking care of her parents. (I don't bother to add that I'm still working, too. She doesn't think of working from home as really working.)
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My folks were not the supportive types. I was on my own at the age of 18. They could have helped during hard times but chose not to even when I was having trouble putting food on the table as a single Mom. They were well aware of how difficult things were for us and I did ask for help once when I was desperate. They brought over a few groceries but let me know they wouldn't be doing that again. I didn't ask again.
I'm finding it their sense of entitlement appalling. So yes sometimes I want to scream.
The best thing I can do to keep away the guilt and resentment is tell myself everyday that I love them, they are my parents, but I will not sacrifice my own well being for their happiness. I will help them with their needs, on my own terms and I will be kind. That's enough
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Well, I'm in my 40s and selfish entitlement sticks in my craw. I have anger.

My parents were in their late 30s & early 40s when I was born, so my parents are a good 15+ years older than my peers' parents. People thought I was out with my grandparents. Dad died suddenly when he was 56. Mom is going to outlast all of us, even though she's in memory care.

My parents didn't have the caregiving burden I do/we all do here.
They were free to do as they wished.

Mom wouldn't plan anything with anybody for her old age. Her "plan" was to be carried out of her home in a pine box in her 60s. She's 76 now. She refused to admit that we don't get to choose how we go out. She would become very angry at the idea she needed to make her preferences for aging known. Or adapt the house so she could get in & out in a scooter or wheel chair, or downsize, or look for a condo or senior apartment in her home community or bring in outside paid help. She is still the most stubborn person I ever met in my life. And she should have won an award for the most throw-rugs owned by one person in North America.

People my age are also doubly frustrated because there is this contingent above us on the career ladder who just will not retire. They put everyone behind them into a career dead end decades before that should happen. I think they want to die in the office at that desk before they'd let somebody else have a turn. When those folks were in their 30s/40s, they were zooming up the ladder into middle and upper management with promotions, bonuses, & lavish perks right & left. They have not created that possibility for those of behind them. I'm not whining, just stating a reality. There are a lot of social science articles about this problem out there to read.

What happens when you take away a whole age groups' dreams and remove the idea of possibility, regardless if it's from the caregiving demand or the career dead end?

As a society, we need to get this under control and give people in caregiving roles some relief, a way to safety that doesn't depend on them having a personal fortune.

I don't know what to do about Retirement Unwilling.
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tryingmy best - yes - their needs and on your own terms. Some parents who were not supportive, in fact, who were abusive, seem to have a greater sense of entitlement than others. I don't think it is wise for anyone to truly sacrifice their well being for an aging parent. It does not serve society well, and it does not serve the family well. It may serve the aged parent in the short run, but who looks after them when/if the caregivers gets sick or dies. When it comes to the family dynamics of non supportive or abusive parents, like other things in life, only the ones who have been through it really understand.

sandwich and ff - as I understand it, there are various reasons for people working longer - one of them being financial. I have not read about the impact on the following generation and maybe that has yet to be analysed, but without doubt there is one.

My parents enjoyed their retirement without any family burdens. My grandparents had a great retirement too, then my grandmother died fairly soon into it. My grandfather came and visited for a couple of weeks a year, did projects around the house, built bird houses etc. and left when he ran out of things to do. My father died over 30 years ago and mother travelled into her 90s.

CPEGASO94 I can identify with what you write. My mother has never lived with me due to her mental illness, but I still have caregiving responsibilities at age 77. You wrote "I just hope we are not too old to enjoy it" meaning retirement. I am retired and have those thoughts and am trying to fit some retirement activities into my life, as time is passing quickly. As I get older and mother gets needier, more and more of my available energy is taken up with looking after things that concern her. I hope you can get out more with your wife. We don't know what tomorrow will bring.
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Funny you say "our sons".

My 33 year old boy just came to visit a few weeks ago... he KNOWS his mother is having a hard time and just wanted his support. You can bet your bippie his mama made him endure his grandmother and also had him help her to the restroom. There is NO shame in it. None. He's a better man to this day for it.

As far as everything else you said... yes yes and of course, yes.
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sandwich42plus, I am pushing 70 and I still work for a person who just turned 80 years old. If I didn't work, I would go stark raving mad. But I can understand your frustrations about how the domino effect stops if the person near the top of the ladder doesn't want to retire. It is sure different than it was back in the 1950's and 1960's when one started in the mail room and worked up to being President of the company.
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CPEGASO94, I always remember hearing that one's parent want their child to have a better life then what they had, even if they had a great life.

It's like wait a minute what happened here, I was frugal all my life so that I could enjoy my own retirement, like my parents did, but I have yet to enjoy one day. Shouldn't they want me to enjoy the remaining years of MY life, too? Even though my parents are still living alone under their own roof, they are at the age where I worry myself crazy about them. They haven't been planning, and I have been nudging them to get their Will updated and to do a Trust and POA since they are OMG in their mid-90's.... they should have done this 15 years earlier when they had to energy to think about it. That makes me want to SCREAM :0
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Yes, I would like to scream.
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cpegaso...oh wow, do I understand that...Mama had a pretty substantial policy for that as well...paid it diligently every time..until she just stopped paying it and I guess I feel guilty because I didn't know she was forgetting, because at that time I was living a good way off and just did not see her day to day activities..By the time I discovered it, just as you said, too bad, so sad...I was able to get a tiny pittance but it was nowhere near the value of the policy and such a pity...I feel like a lot of the insurance plans like this are almost a scam because our folks buy them when they are vibrant, pay them promptly and keep them paid and sometimes I think the insurance companies literally count on them becoming mentally incapable of keeping up with them...and all of the policies like this I've seen clearly state that it is fully in force as long as the payments are made in a timely manner...they put in very tiny print what happens when you begin to lose your faculties and no longer can...

Yes, I very much would like to scream.....
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cpegaso, you certainly deserve to enjoy retirement too. If she objects, remind her of her past. My MIL complained that her daughter didn't call her every day or see her every other day, insisting she saw her own mother every day.
"Oh really?" I asked her " How did you do that when you were in Florida for 4 months in the winter and in Canada for 4 months in the summer?" Busted!!
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