Wondering if I should send APS to a home?

I vote for calling APS. Unless you can go for a visit, you have no idea if (at worst) your ex is suicidal and needs inpatient psychiatric help or (another kind of "worst") your son, ex and the neighbor are playing you.

Your son should be out earning a living and establishing himself. Has he had difficulties with addiction and/or mental illness in the past?

Years ago, I lived down the block from a very nice, well put together elderly man. He died when he was in his early 90s. Fast forward a year or two later, a neighbor spotted a man with long matted grey hair, toe nails curled around his feet, wearing a dirty nightshirt standing at the front door. EMS and APS were called.

It turned out that the man had an adult son who had developed schizophrenia in his late teens, come home from college and never left the house again. Neighbors had no idea that this "young" man lived with his dad. For whatever reason, the older man didn't make appropriate arrangements for his son to be cared for after his death.

Take some action. It doesn't matter if your son gets angry at you. You are getting him what he needs, not what he wants. Long term, that's a good thing.

a) Your son not speaking to you.
b) Your son and his father reaching breaking point and one or both of them coming to serious harm.

Which would be worse?

And if you do nothing and b) happens, how will you feel about yourself then?

Put in a call. Take advice. Surely that's the least you can do.

Agree stop sending them money. You are just enabling their lifestyle. Without knowing what is really going on it is the wrong thing to do.
Another thing you can do is call the police and ask for a wellness check. Also call APS, don't worry if your son never speaks to you again, it does not sound as though he is communicating now unless he asks for money.
Did your ex or son ever work. if so why did they stop?
Does either have a history of mental illness?
First thing Monday morning get the ball rolling or just walk away and let the chips fall where they may. You are talking about two adult men who may or may not have chosen to live this way

Okay.

Rest your mind.

What APS definitely will NOT do is

take your confidential call
refuse to act on your information
AND
tell your son and his father that you were the person who called them.


Also.

Your son may suspect or figure out that you "informed" on them, and he may react by being angry. But that does not mean that you do not have every justification for asking the appropriate authorities to intervene, does it? So let him be angry - it's still more important that the right people with the right skills are given an opportunity to help.

And if he's not already desperate and yet still refusing to seek help, then when will he be?

And if APS won't act this time, and then things get worse, you can always call again, no?

And at the very, very least, you can tell APS what it's all about and why you're worried and just ask them to advise you what to do next. Wait and hear what they say before you assume it'll be a disaster - but whatever you might have read in the papers, it truly isn't their business to make situations worse. They are there to help.

Won't the neighbor call Adult Protection Services? The neighbor is the party witnessing this.

Stop sending money.

DedaMc, I am surprised that the County or City hasn't gotten after your ex to mow the lawn. Usually County/City/Towns will bring in their crew to mow and charge the homeowner, or place a lien on the house. One would think the County/City/Town would be calling APS to do a well-fare check on the people in the house.

If neither ex-hubby or your son work, are they on some type of welfare or disability funds? What about health insurance? Who pays the real estate tax? Who buys the food?

How did the neighbor get into the house? Did the neighbor checked around to see if the electricity was "on", if the phone was working?.... did the neighbor peer into the refrigerator and cupboards to see if there was anything to eat? Probably not. Sounds more like something your ex or son would have said to the neighbor. Internet? Seriously? No one needs to have WiFi to survive.

Time to set boundaries, do not send money for food or utilities. Unless you have boots on the ground seeing what is happening day by day, you cannot be sure if this is real [tall grass might mean the lawn mower doesn't work], and they both are asking you to be their ATM when they run out of funds.

Deda, I'm going to put this very bluntly. You seem to be very concerned that your son won't speak to you if you call in APS.

First, do it anonymously and deny it if he asks. If the situation is as bad as you write, the whole neighborhood is aware at least of the overgrown yard. There may have been EMS reports documenting it as well; they're mandated responders.

(And like, FF, I can not understand why the local government hasn't become involved and mandated a cleanup. This does NOT make sense.)

And BTW, given their situation (no food, phone or electricity), the last thing they need to have is Internet. They need stable and safe housing first.

Living w/o electricity is probably a fire hazard. I wonder if they even have running water.

Your son may never find out who called for help.

Second, what's more important? That help be obtained immediately or that your son is mad at you? Excuse the bluntness, but I think it's appropriate: if either of them become terminally ill or die b/c of the existing situation, what will it matter that you were worried about your son being mad?

Sometimes it takes someone to put in perspective the potential imminent danger of a situation. That's why I was blunt.

And this is just as blunt: if you're unable to engage and get help (such as when you were there last year), then you need to delegate immediately to someone or some entity that can. Your knowledge of this situation and failure to do so could be considered negligence by governmental authorities.

You can respond negatively to me if you wish, but if what you write is true, this is a situation that demands immediate attention, and someone w/o the strength to do so needs to find someone who will and step out of the picture.

I still can't believe that local government hasn't gotten involved. Something isn't right about this story.

About the city intervening, they live in the country, the neighbors are not as close as in a city situation, and the neighbor checks on them occasionally because they were friends of the in laws. I kept hoping it would get better but hasn't and will probably call the county APS next week.