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My poor Mom got the horrible news today. Her close friend and invaluable helper passed away last night. She is taking it hard.


I am trying to find as much support as possible. This is horrible because he was a great friend and took care of the house and passed on mail notifications.


I'm going crazy trying to figure out what to do with comforting Mom, finding her a helper, taking care of the house and her mail from long distance. I'll see if I can get her mail sent to email and diverted to my address. I don't want to miss notices or bills.


The police came and went; his sister was at the house and arranged care for her cats. Beyond that, I hope I can find someone who may live there as a helper.


This is too much right now. Sorry for the droning on.

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I'm sorry to learn about this person's passing and how it affects your ability to care for your Mom long-distance. Was this the person living in her house? The key to juggling the flaming balls is going to be your legal authority to manage your Mom's affairs. Without this, you will be handicapped. Therefore, if I were you, this is where I'd put my efforts. Your Mom's assets can pay for the cost of getting this done. In another post you said she is in a facility a long distance from you and is about to go into LTC -- is this correct? You are not her PoA. Right? Without a legal advocate and no assets (except a dilapidated house) she is destined to get assigned a 3rd party legal guardian through the courts/social services. If you aren't willing/able to take a substantial amount of time off (like 2 weeks or more) to get the legal authority piece in place, then you should just get social services/a caseworker engaged now. Once she has a legal guardian you won't have to do anything more: no mangement or decision-making, just visiting and being her adult child. They will deal with the house, the cats, the costs, etc. Also, it would be better to keep a single post for everything: otherwise you'll just need to reexplain things to responders. You have so many posts now, it's better to consoidate the info into one so you get the best input and guidance. Between my hubs and I we've been PoA and Executors for 5 loved ones. I've dealt with social services and court-assigned guardianship. I've been PoA for 2 Aunts in FL when I live in MN. I totally understand the stress of the long-distance management. Please please make a decision about who you want to be the legal advocate: you or an assigned person. Once you make this decision all other actions going forward will be easier for you to make. P.S. I've tried to get USPS to forward my deceased Aunt's mail from FL to my home in MN. Since this past March it has yet to happen, despite me going to my local PO and confirming that there's technically no problem. My Aunt's neighbor is collecting her mail, otherwise I'd have no idea what she's getting. You won't easily be able to convert any of her other accounts to your name without the legal authority to do so (like her utilities, taxes, insurance, selling her car, etc).
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kenmtb May 23, 2025
Im the only one who handles things. Most of her bills are online an I manage the other bills. The helper has a TON of belongings that need to be removed. The house is a wreck. Hopefully I can hire a cleaner. Right now her credit card is missing, mail needs to be forwarded and I need to either find another helper or find a home for the cats and shut the house down. My own job is exhausting and personal things are piling up. Mom had had enough bad news. I really dont want her to loose her cats. Sorry for whining
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From your previous posts you say Mom is having memory loss and confusion, early symptoms of Dementia. Maybe you should start looking for Assisted Livings. This way Mom will have a staff of people looking out for her. She can no longer live alone. You also cannot depend on neighhors and friends to look out for her. I am sorry, but you now will need to make some hard decisions. Visit and see how things are really going.
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Sorry to hear of this loss. Don't you think it's time to get on a plane now and stop with all this "long distance care" which can never, ever replace you being there for your mother? Like Nike says, just do it bro. Some things MUST be done in person and this situation begs for it.
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Slartibartfast May 23, 2025
That's not your business. We can all see how hard Ken is working for his mother and if he says he can't go right now then he can't.
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You can't travel to your mother, Ken?
Why?
There is family leave for those who need it. This is clearly an emergency. Your mother has lost the help she depended on and you don't know how capable she is of sustaining herself. If you are the only child, and the only support system then you OWE IT TO YOUR MOTHER to either get there to at least assess her needs or to get someone else to do so.

Only you know if your mother is fully capable of sustaining herself without help or support, or a move to you or to care. If someone else can do an assessment, see to it that it's done. If not, and if you honestly cannot make it to where she lives, then you owe it to your mother, if you feel she isn't fully capable, of reporting to APS that she should have a wellness check in her home.

You can call APS and simply tell them you are very worried; you've no idea if your mother is in need of help now that she's sustained the loss of the only person caring for her. Ask them to make a wellness check and then check in with you.

This honestly is CLEARLY something worrying you or you would not have written us here. I don't see your simply throwing your hands up with "This is all too much right now". I will frankly tell you, no matter what each of us has gone through on this site, it was ALWAYS TOO MUCH. Many -- I include myself-- felt helpless and terrified. That doesn't mean we are free to wash our hands of it.

I hope you'll update us.
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Ken, I’m not exactly in your situation but I get a glimpse here and there. I lived 1000 miles from my elderly parents for over 20 years. It sounds to me like you might live further, in another country. When my 92 year old dad had a stroke, the sh—hit the fan. He told me over the years about how to manage things and what the financial situation and personal situation was. I have always been his back up, since I was a teenager. My mother is there but my dad never trusted her. Probably for good reason. She and her family have a ton of issues. Yet, they were married for 60 years. When he had a stroke, I moved into the scene and it completely upended my life. Almost 3 years in, I have some stability. Dad died about 8 months ago. It was a hellish ride. IMO, if you think you are going to manage your mother in USA from your job in Asia or Europe or Dubai, think again. You can hire people. But you have to interview and vet them. Or hire a service that provides this at a hefty premium. Or, divest yourself completely and turn her over to the state. There is not much middle ground for those of us without redundant family eager to help and who have proximity and capacity. Placement for her in a facility that you can monitor from abroad sounds like the most practical choice. Unless you can find a reliable, local caregiver who will fill the shoes of the one who died. And then still, it’s a waiting game until that falls apart. I get how inconvenient and imposing this is. Is there someone you trust to handle things in your absence? Can you hire this person? Suggest you come on scene for a month but you may be overwhelmed.,IMO, don’t blindly place trust in anyone. Verify. Even if it’s inconvenient. Good luck.
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To be clear, she is living in a nursing home, not in her home. Her friend gave her rides to visit her cats and get away from the nursing home. Sorry but I really dont want to get into why I cant take extended time away for work. I need the job . She is in fine health and not frail. She has gotten over the loss. The plan was to find a Church recommended person to watch the house and minor errands. If that doesn't happen then the cats get safely rehomed and the house shut down. That is the best I can can right now. My own health has been neglected and I am tired and doing the best I can.
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golden23 May 29, 2025
ken -no need to explain or justify your choices. I had a very strained relationship with my mother all my life. I was her POA and did it from a distance only visiting her 1 few times a year. But I looked after all her stuff. I ended up not going to her funeral though I set everything up. You'd have to walk in my shoes before you understood all the factors. So I get it. You need to look after yourself. Good for you for doing that!!!
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Ken, for reasons I won't get in to, I could not go be with my mom on her death bed. I was told to let go of petty disagreements from someone that has no idea why I could not go. Nice judgment aye?

You don't need to explain yourself, you have already shared that it is a difficult relationship at best and you just can't do it. You have no reason to feel bad.

We do the best we can and that is ALL we can do. I say hooray for those that can drop everything and spend money they may or may not have to go prop up a situation like you are facing. Not everyone can.

I am glad to hear that she isn't struggling with the loss of her mate and you have a plan A and B for the house and cats.

You got this! You are doing great advocating for your mom, don't let anyone tell you different.
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kenmtb May 30, 2025
Sorry you could not be with your mom.
My mom is fine and there is no problem with our relationship. I am trying to preserve her ability to see her cats. This may not be a logical goal. Not sure. The place is a wreck due unseen neglect. I will try to do an assessment to see if it is possible to have the place cleaned out. The friend has a TON of stuff there which has to be taken care of first. I found out that an exterminator needs to be called also. At the same time, the replacement credit card I ordered was not delivered by USPS so that card is frozen. When I know more about still having employment Ill set up time to visit and look at the house. I set her up a corded phone linked to a cell phone so we can stay in touch by private phone from the Nursing home. She likes that.
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Kenmtb,
I understand and respect that your job is exhausting and your own personal things are piling up.
This caregiver that passed was an extremely important part of your mother's life, especially since the person was living in your mother's home and caring for her. Your mother will be grieving this loss. Compounded by moving out the personal belongings of this person she had some type of relationship with.
You are planning for a new person or people to come into her life, either by living in her home or having your mother placed in care.
This is going to be a very confusing and challenging time for your mother.
Please try to take some time off to be with your mother during this time. This is her life that has been upended. It's not just a series of business transactions that need to be handled.
Your mother will greatly benefit from someone she knows and trusts to help her thru this giant change in her life. Are there any other relatives who can be there to help her if you cannot? Any other close friends of hers that can be paid to help her? I hope so.
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Madigan64 May 27, 2025
Excellent advice. I was going to say the same thing. He needs to make time for his mother and go see her if for just a short visit!
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It is overwhelming and it will continue. The worrying seems to never end. The waiting for the next “ shoe to drop” puts you on edge.
Be there for your mom during this crisis.
ideally you can at least go for a short visit.
Assisted living is ideal. The peace of mind it gives is tremendous especially since you have so much on your plate.
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JuliaH May 27, 2025
Truth! Knowing that they are safe and cared for will take away the stress. Many have regretted not doing it sooner.
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I am struggling to maintain a job and taking time off wont work. Personal issues are piling up so perhaps she needs to be assigned a guardian.
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AlvaDeer May 29, 2025
You aren't in the area and feel incapable of handling this, Ken, so I would call APS and ask that they do a wellness check on your mom. I wouldn't tell them that you are struggling job wise; I would tell them that you cannot be present and aren't capable of handling things for your mom, and that she may need guardianship of the state for her own safety. Do know that once this happens you do not have any say whatsoever in her placement, or in her assets and so on. Best of luck to you. If you can't do this your obligation is to know someone is watching over her.
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