Why do I feel guilty if I want to stay home and rest or go anywhere for enjoyment without going to sit with mom everyday?
Update on My Mom, she finally moved into an apartment for the elderly and disabled. We moved her things into the apartment and set it all up for her. She seems more content but still not happy. She cooks for herself and I come and clean and do her laundry and grocery shopping. Since September of 24 I have spent a lot of time with her from the rehab facility to the motel rooms. I was worried to death everyday if we were going to have money to pay for the motel room for the next week or not. I came everyday except weekends while she was in the motels. Bringing food and washing her clothes. When I'm ready to leave she doesn't want me to leave. I can't come everyday and spent all day everyday with her. I love her very much, but I need alone time, time with family and time to relax and enjoy hobbies and etc. But she makes me feel like I should spent time with her all the time. Why do I feel guilty for wanting to finally enjoy a little life again.
Pick a day or days you can visit. Does not have to be the whole day. Maybe lunch once a week. When my Mom was in an Al right up the street, I did go every day, sometime it was to take her laundry, check on her and leave. Others may be a half hour and hour at the most. No, no guilt, it was more than my brothers did. You set your own time schedule. If the apts are set up for elderly, then there should be a common area for Mom to meet others. Activities. Maybe take her to the common area and to the activities to get her used to going. Ask staff if they can help.
Please, no guilt. I always was the one who felt guilty. After caring for my Mom, I stopped myself from feeling like that. I did not cause Mom to have Dementia. I admit I made mistakes but who doesn't. My brothers have no guilt, why should I. I was the one left with the responsibility and did my best. It had to be enough.
You definitely are entitled to, and even need, to decompress and regain your life.
Since she's in a senior apartment, there are fellow senior neighbors who she can get to know and spend time with. Spending less time there with her will encourage her to get to know them.
You can order her groceries and have them delivered to her, to give you one less thing to do.
Congratulate yourself on getting the major positive move done for your mother!
BUT DO MAKE YOURSELF break away, and I say this not so much for you as for your Mom. It is very important that you help her with this adjustment, and enabling so much dependence on you isn't good for either of you.
I know I've spoken with you about guilt before and how inappropriate that word is, and how much words that we repeat to ourselves matter. Guilt infers causation, and you didn't cause the difficulties involved in aging and can't fix them all. An attempt to do so isn't good for you, isn't good for mom, and won't get any thanks. It will hurt all the way around.
If you need to have a few therapy sessions then seek out a good COGNITIVE therapist. You are going to have first to understand WHY you must not do what you are doing, and you, as an adult, must control things in order to change some habitual ways of being.
It's good to hear from you again and SO GOOD to hear Mom now has placement.
Keep us posted. Be easy on yourself; you've been through the wringer. And take your time. No habits change overnight. It takes hard work.
I got my Ex out of my home in November, after 3 months stay turned into 3 years!
It took me a few weeks to adjust to stopping my frazzled brain from constant worry, the 24/7 maid service, verbal abuse and feeling it would never end. I was miserable. I started working on getting my house back to normal and cleaning the big mess he left behind.
Don't fall for the guilt trips and sad puppy eyes they give when you leave. You have sacrificed and done PLENTY. Start cutting your visits back as she adjusts. Go from constantly visiting every day to maybe twice a week max. Do what you need to, and then LEAVE!
Mom will never be happy again like she was in her 30s/40s, because getting old is depressing. At least she will be more respectful to you for your help. My Ex learned the hard way, and gave me a $1,000 check for Xmas. He has actually gone down to the Clubhouse and got free donuts and played Bingo. He keeps his new place much nicer than he did here.
It took 3 months for him to get it together. I'm so much happier.
I understand the guilt cause I always felt that way with my own mom.
Perhaps it's a misguided form of love. It's a learned behavior born out
of those thoughts that tell you if you are not helping your loved one all
the time you are in the wrong. But you can't be everything for someone.
No matter how much you love them.
It's important to love yourself too. Part of loving yourself is taking
care of yourself. You need to have time to nurture you. Otherwise you
will burn out and be no good to anyone, including your mother.