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I know, a weird title, so my apologies. My mother, 77 in May, is going to find other arrangements since I will be moving. She and I lived together since I moved back, but I want to further my career, have a relationship, and be independent.


My mom, thankfully, is still physically and mentally able to care for herself. She needs help with computer-related stuff, but mentally is fine. My brother is kind of ticked I don't want to like that with my Mom, that is, living with her. I want to be sure my mom is safe and in a good place. So does my aunt and brother.


My mom said she doesn't want to live with my brother or I, and wants a studio apartment. Her Social Security isn't much, but my brother suggested we both contribute like $300 each to supplement.


My point is, I love my mom so much, but do I need to live with her? Do I "owe it to her" as my brother states?

No, you don't owe her. PARENTS owe CHILDREN. Not the other way around. Parents CHOOSE or by ACCIDENT bring a helpless being into this world. They owe that child everything until age of majority: food, teaching, love, shelter. MOST of all they owe that child that they save for their own care throughout their lives and that they do not make themselves dependent on the children they say safely out of the nest.

You brother is DEAD WRONG in my humble opinion.
And for YOU and brother to use YOUR money? Who then takes care of you because it takes a LIFETIME of savings to remain independent of your children and the taxpayer.

Your mother should care for herself now, get a smaller place, sell her home if she has one, put the money in wise investments and continue to take care to save for her older years. She may be lucky enough to die at home. Some are. Some aren't.

I am 82. This is some of the most free years of my 63 year old daughter's life. Why should she be spending them on ME? Because I wasn't careful, wise and or lucky enough to have any money? Mom can have a roommate if she needs help....remember THEM? They were how you afforded once to live!

Brother is welcome to his opinion. You are welcome to yours. And you are wise enough to form your own opinion without our input, Doggiemom. I know that.
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myndsplyntr Jan 29, 2025
Comments like yours are so incredibly helpful in keeping perspective, and not letting the guilt tripping manipulate decisions and feelings.

I struggle so much with feeling like I’m being selfish but you’re right - literally no one is going to be there for me, I can’t waste my resources on someone who didn’t take responsibility for their own care.
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I’m one of those sandwiched people with an elderly parent (now in care) and semi-dependent children (away, at university). Who owes what to whom? Since you asked for my opinion…

I feel it was up to my mother to plan ahead. Gear your mother’s lifestyle to her income/savings, not yours.

We (husband and I) feel we owe our children a safe, welcoming home, emotional support with lots of listening, the wisdom of our years (Ha!) and financial assistance (we live comfortably) so they don’t graduate under a mountain of debt. So they can go out in the world and live independently, pursue careers, interests and relationships.

What do they owe us? Really - nothing.

You “owe it to her” just as much as your brother does. Which is to say that you do not.

Hurray for your mother’s desire to live independently!
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YaYa79 Jan 28, 2025
Well said.
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I chose to move to California 12 years ago to be near my only child and grandkids. Very glad I did. I would not have had the close relationships I have with my grandkids if it was a long distance one.

My parents who were 83 at the time were livid but I did it anyway. No more people pleasing. It was a good thing I did move because my father is still alive. I would still be in NYC waiting for him to be gone. I was responsible, I did not abandon them but I decided my future could not just revolve around their needs and that what I wanted was important too.
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Having my mom come to live with us has taken a toll. She has such entitlement issues. She lived alone and cared for herself until she came to live with us and now all of a sudden can’t do anything. Attempts to drain all joy . Nooo live apart it will be better for your mental health
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Many of us are judged, sometimes harshly, for not wanting to participate in the day to day care of an aging parent. I did that (low level) for many years for my mother. At the time I was still working. Her care and attention increased as time progressed, including transportation to doctor appointments, toting urine samples to lab, picking up medication, communication with doctors, cooking, cleaning, etc. During Covid I worked from her house. After a hospitalization she required PT, OT and nursing visits. I arranged and was there for all of this. After a few months after she had sufficiently recovered, (still during the WFH period during Covid) I decided to move to be closer to my adult kids and grandchildren. My brother was then required to deal with our mother and her health issues.

I visit every 6-8 weeks for a few days but they take care of the caregiving arranging in all forms. This now requires an 8 hour per day caregiver. Brother and wife are doing a good job. They don’t communicate at all with me, but they don’t owe me anything. I’ve attempted to communicate with them but really they’re not interested.

The issue is what my mother tells others. Brother and SIL are the martyrs. I’ve been asked by family members why I don’t “do more,” since I’m the daughter. I ignore these questions.

I’m glad I chose to move when I did. I’ve been able to enjoy my grandchildren and adult kids. I have taken care of my future so that when I am aging and may need daily “help” that my kids do not need to disrupt their lives to care for me. I don’t want to burden them, and they owe me nothing.
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Beethoven13 Jan 28, 2025
Friends and people who care about you don’t make snide comments and try to make you feel bad about your actions. If they have concerns, they have a conversation with you and listen to all sides. You are being bullied by people who don’t care much about you but want to see the problem of your mother, off loaded from their world. Don’t buy in. Ask what they are able to do to help her and keep your distance and boundaries.
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I'm sure your brother wants you to live with mom so he doesn't have to do anything. You are entitled to live your own life and make your own way. Do not feel guilty about that. I suggest you help mom find an efficiency apartment she can afford. Does mom not have a pension or your dads pension? Does she have things she can sell? If her income is that low, she may qualify for food stamps or Medicaid waiver to help supplement her income. I think it makes more sense to look into those things to help mom, but don't give up your independence, career, etc or you will end up in the same situation as your mom...then who is going to take care of you?
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I am almost 76, and I am caring for my 96-year-old blind, deaf and back-pained mother. I am also a mother and grandmother, who would love to have the time to spend with them. As long as your mother is not demented, then she can care for herself and do for herself. It is still her own responsibility to live her own life. If I can (and I have had two back operations and a shoulder replaced) take care of my mother, your mother can take care of herself. As far as what are we obligated to our parents. I think it is what we are capable of (physically, emotionally, financially), and that is very personal. Some moralists may not agree, but neither should they judge. My mother lived with us for a while, but it was very hard, very stressful, and dangerous to all of our physical health. She then moved to an assisted living, but we are now dealing with issues that are going to require skilled nursing. We know she will hate it, we know she will not deal well with it, and we know she will resent us and blame us. But remember, we have no control over aging. We are not expert care givers. We, sometimes, can make the situation worse because our dementia parents seem to have more "problems" when we are around them. It is like when a child skins their knee, they only cry harder around their parents. Now is the time for your mother to start doing something about her really old age years and try to think prepare for them realistically because of her finances. Science and medicine have made the quantity of years of life much longer but has not made the quality that much better. After care for my mother, I do NOT want to put my children through what we are going through, nor do I want to have the quality of life my mother is now suffering.
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SID2020 Jul 15, 2025
So helpful thank you.
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My thoughts are that we don’t “owe” our parents as no one should have or care for their children in hopes on one day being repaid. However, many of us find ways to help our parents as they age, I did help with both of mine, mostly gladly. My parents weren’t unreasonable and the things I did fit into what I could accommodate into my life. As I’ve related here before, my dad had a firm rule of his own. None of his adult children could live with him and he’d not live with any of us. He was adamant on this, saying he’d seen it ruin too many relationships. I’m still grateful for his wisdom
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My children owe me nothing. I am privileged to be their parent. I chose to have them, they didn't choose to be born. I have a strong work ethic, and they do too because I taught them that. I also taught them to be responsible for themselves. Why? Because I believe we should each be responsible for our own selves. I've watched dear friends jetting off to Europe, driving expensive cars, and now that they are older, they say they have no money to hire caregivers or go to Assisted Living. Who will take care of them? Their grown kids, now in their 60s? Puh-leeze. Their kids don't deserve that!

Let mom figure it out BY HERSELF. Let her pay for her old age care BY HERSELF AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. Do it while she's still able to care for herself. Frankly, I can't imagine anything worse than moving in with my grown kids! Help mom establish and keep her independence, and you'll be giving her the best gift of all - herself.
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Any of us only "owes" as much as we're willing to give. If a person does not have a good relationship with their parent and is not willing to give anything, their reasons are their own and none should judge them for it. Also, your mother can move into a senior community where the rent is income-based so you and your brother won't have to pay for anything.

Your brother shouldn't say anything about who should be living with you. If he doesn't want your mother to be living alone, he can move her into his place.
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