How much do we owe aging parents?
I know, a weird title, so my apologies. My mother, 77 in May, is going to find other arrangements since I will be moving. She and I lived together since I moved back, but I want to further my career, have a relationship, and be independent.
My mom, thankfully, is still physically and mentally able to care for herself. She needs help with computer-related stuff, but mentally is fine. My brother is kind of ticked I don't want to like that with my Mom, that is, living with her. I want to be sure my mom is safe and in a good place. So does my aunt and brother.
My mom said she doesn't want to live with my brother or I, and wants a studio apartment. Her Social Security isn't much, but my brother suggested we both contribute like $300 each to supplement.
My point is, I love my mom so much, but do I need to live with her? Do I "owe it to her" as my brother states?
Your Mom is encouraging you to be independent, by saying she does not want to live with you or your brother and wants her own studio apartment.
My guess is that you feel guilty because she lived with your brother for a while and now it's "your turn"? There is nothing to feel guilty about. Every parent should push their child from the nest so she can fly.
I'm curious as to why your Mom moved in with your brother? Was it upon the death of your step-father? If so, your brother wasn't helping in the long run by not having a plan for your Mom to regain her independence. Is your Mom healthy both physically and mentally? Sounds like she is, but she is just lonely and not used to living alone.
The suggestion of a subsidized senior apartment is something to be looked into.
Start getting your Mom involved in social activities. The local senior center may have things she is interested in. Many YMCAs have free admission under Medicare's Silver Sneakers program for those 65 and older. Once she is active again, she will build confidence in herself.
Good luck.
Living by herself, she will be able to stay independent longer by sheer necessity. I call my mom (87) every night, and sometimes I conference her in if I need to help her with medical things (like getting yearly re-approved for prescriptions that require that, etc), but she schedules her own paratransit rides (to see her doctors), and walks 4,500 steps or more every day she doesn't have a doctor's visit. I also have her call me when she is in with the doctor, so I know what's going on. But other than that, she does her own thing. I live 2 1/2 hours from her and try to visit every other weekend, depending on if I have a cold or if there is snow. So far so good.
When it comes to the question of whether children "owe" their parents, I like to remember Sidney Poiter's monologue in Guess Who's Coming to Dinner. He is speaking to his father, who has just told him he owes him for all the years he had to carry a mail bag to take care of him.
"You tell me what rights I've got or haven't got, and what I owe to you for what you've done for me. Let me tell you something. I owe you nothing! If you carried that bag a million miles, you did what you were supposed to do! Because you brought me into this world. And from that day you owed me everything you could ever do for me like I will owe my son if I ever have another. But you don't own me!"
I feel there is another question here, but not sure what it is.
- How you feel about yourself
- How you feel about making a decision to move on in your life - and perhaps you feel you do not deserve to do so
- Feeling torn / guilty?
You initially appear to be very clear on what you want in your life and pursuits moving foward. If I were you, I would do some soul searching and figure how what you want, what is in your way of pursuing what you say you want, assess how you are feeling.
No one can make these decisions for you.
In some ways, you can try it out and see how your mom functions living alone.
I wonder: was she able to live alone before - when you two were living together? If not, how much support / guidance / care did you provide to her when you lived together? She won't have that level of support living alone. Does this concern you or cause you to second guess yourself?
I question how much personal power you are giving to your brother since you quote his words / what he states. What is your relationship with him? As a second thought - why doesn't your brother live with your mom ... if he is so concerned about her ... and thinking it is your responsibility (?) ... if I got this right.
Are you sure your mom can manage on her own living alone?
Is this the reason or one reason you are questioning your decisions to move forward in your own life.
I can only (think to) ask the questions that you need to ask yourself. Often we don't know what the 'best' route is when making decisions about our parents' care as they age. We do the best we can in any given moment ... we regroup as we need to.
Personally, if you and your brother can manage the finances to get your mom the (apartment) care she needs, I'd give it a try - AS - I am a firm believer in a younger person (or not) pursuing their own life pursuits - education, relationship, job/work. You deserve to be happy, too. Do not forget that.
Gena / Touch Matters
When did people become so callous & so self-centered??
We were not put on this earth to only think about ourselves!!
All groups of caring humans do anything they can for one another-no matter who they are. My husband & I were fortunate enough to give of our time, our strength, financial help to our children, to both of our parents, inlaws, friends/neighbors. Some lived w/us, some we spent many years with. We are not rich by any means. In fact, my first paying job was getting paid for picking cotton @8 yrs old.
We never turned our backs on anyone- especially our parents!!!
You need to stop catering to that nonsense and going along with it. If your mother can jump to it for your brother, she can do for herself.
There's no reason why you have to take off work to get her to the doctor. A hired homecare aide can do that. If she's not eating and neglecting herself she belongs in AL or LTC.
You don't have to give up your life to take care of her every need and demand. Your brother can step up and help. Homecare could be an option. AL or LTC can be too.
There won't be any changes and you'll be carrying the whole care burden yourself if you won't allow yourself to say no to some of it.
Can I pick my mom up off the floor?
Can I change my mom's briefs when she becomes incontinent? Wash her up?
Can I manage my mom's medicines?
Can I make this property wheelchair accessible?
Usually folks every decision you make in life is based on $$$. Everything comes down to money. Depending upon how your mother's health is will determine her fate. For example, the studio in a senior living may work for a while until more services are needed.
A place with an elevator, security, etc. If money is tight, if you can find a good senior citizen housing in a good area. Most have a waitlist that will outlive your loved one.
My motto is whatever you can do to alleviate any situation so they do not have to beg for help. Whatever can lighten their burden. Remember, how "we" want to be treat in our old age.
I've seen it all, parents' that gave their kid everything and they don't even give them the time of day, but take. I've seen the roughest guy going run in to care for sick mother and be by her side. You just can't tell today how it's going to play out.
Americans, we like our independence. In my day, there was no "A Place For Mom" because people had one option, Mom comes to live with you. Fast forward today you have dual-income careers, a high divorce rate, out-of-state children and the parent may not want to move, immature adult children who fell far away from the apple tree, you get what I mean. There's a lot going on.
It's not a one-size fits all answer for every parent. You don't have to plan everything today but you can do a lot of homework online. All of the places are short-staffed. There are multiple responsibilities for one employee so the marketing brochure that looks so inviting are only in the movies.
You have to check places out at night. I'm old-school. Most people want their family to care for them. It's not always possible as I previously mentioned why. We can learn from the past and take the "good" from it.
Dennis Prager (PragerU) did a 5-minute video on this on YouTube. I like his style.
Some of you on this post may not agree with everything I say but that's ok because I have learned a lot from all of you over the past years. For the longest time I just read your posts every Saturday and I always looked forward to it. I was wet behind the ears and didn't know how things worked.; I need to be well-informed on this "caregiving" thing that everyone calls it. But I have matured thanks to all of you!
If a person needs or wants something, they need to ask for it. I'm going to tell you when you're anticipating an elder's every need and just making it all happen, that's propping up a false sense of independence. Then life is nothing but a misery for you.
Everyone needs help at some point in their life. That's nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed of. Never cater to stubbornness or pride though.
I suggest it might be wiser to find a studio apartment that your mother can afford. Make sure that she is getting all her needs met -including health insurance for dental, vision and hearing.
In my case, my mom is in her 80s and very independent. She is starting to have problems with vision and hearing. I expect that she will not be able to drive in the next couple of years because of her vision. My sister and I have repeatedly told her that we want her to live as independently as possible for as long as she wishes. She lives in a community with a lot of older people, has good neighbors, and a ladies group at church that she can rely on when she can no longer drive. The understanding we have with mom is that she can live independently as long as she is safe and healthy to do so.