How much do we owe aging parents?
I know, a weird title, so my apologies. My mother, 77 in May, is going to find other arrangements since I will be moving. She and I lived together since I moved back, but I want to further my career, have a relationship, and be independent.
My mom, thankfully, is still physically and mentally able to care for herself. She needs help with computer-related stuff, but mentally is fine. My brother is kind of ticked I don't want to like that with my Mom, that is, living with her. I want to be sure my mom is safe and in a good place. So does my aunt and brother.
My mom said she doesn't want to live with my brother or I, and wants a studio apartment. Her Social Security isn't much, but my brother suggested we both contribute like $300 each to supplement.
My point is, I love my mom so much, but do I need to live with her? Do I "owe it to her" as my brother states?
You‘ve done more than enough. Your life is out there; go get it.
Our parents job when we're children is to help grow us into productive self-sufficient adults so we can spread our wings and fly, and live our own lives in which ever way we see fit.
It is NOT to have to return to them and live with them, or help them out financially. Unless of course you're a multi-millionaire then by all means knock yourself out.
You've been through a lot DoggieMom, and you need to learn how to be truly independent away from your mom and from all men(for now)and like yourself enough to know that you're enough just as you are and that you don't need a man to make you whole.
You've not made good men choices in the past, so instead of looking for a new relationship, I would concentrate more on getting your life back on track, away from mom, men and your family so you can finally spread your wings and fly.
It's long overdue.
You brother is DEAD WRONG in my humble opinion.
And for YOU and brother to use YOUR money? Who then takes care of you because it takes a LIFETIME of savings to remain independent of your children and the taxpayer.
Your mother should care for herself now, get a smaller place, sell her home if she has one, put the money in wise investments and continue to take care to save for her older years. She may be lucky enough to die at home. Some are. Some aren't.
I am 82. This is some of the most free years of my 63 year old daughter's life. Why should she be spending them on ME? Because I wasn't careful, wise and or lucky enough to have any money? Mom can have a roommate if she needs help....remember THEM? They were how you afforded once to live!
Brother is welcome to his opinion. You are welcome to yours. And you are wise enough to form your own opinion without our input, Doggiemom. I know that.
I struggle so much with feeling like I’m being selfish but you’re right - literally no one is going to be there for me, I can’t waste my resources on someone who didn’t take responsibility for their own care.
You can call your County Office of Aging and see what resourses are available for Mom. Maybe she can get food stamps. Maybe Supplimental Income over and above Social Security. This info you need to contact Social Services.
I visit every 6-8 weeks for a few days but they take care of the caregiving arranging in all forms. This now requires an 8 hour per day caregiver. Brother and wife are doing a good job. They don’t communicate at all with me, but they don’t owe me anything. I’ve attempted to communicate with them but really they’re not interested.
The issue is what my mother tells others. Brother and SIL are the martyrs. I’ve been asked by family members why I don’t “do more,” since I’m the daughter. I ignore these questions.
I’m glad I chose to move when I did. I’ve been able to enjoy my grandchildren and adult kids. I have taken care of my future so that when I am aging and may need daily “help” that my kids do not need to disrupt their lives to care for me. I don’t want to burden them, and they owe me nothing.
I feel it was up to my mother to plan ahead. Gear your mother’s lifestyle to her income/savings, not yours.
We (husband and I) feel we owe our children a safe, welcoming home, emotional support with lots of listening, the wisdom of our years (Ha!) and financial assistance (we live comfortably) so they don’t graduate under a mountain of debt. So they can go out in the world and live independently, pursue careers, interests and relationships.
What do they owe us? Really - nothing.
You “owe it to her” just as much as your brother does. Which is to say that you do not.
Hurray for your mother’s desire to live independently!
My parents who were 83 at the time were livid but I did it anyway. No more people pleasing. It was a good thing I did move because my father is still alive. I would still be in NYC waiting for him to be gone. I was responsible, I did not abandon them but I decided my future could not just revolve around their needs and that what I wanted was important too.
Let mom figure it out BY HERSELF. Let her pay for her old age care BY HERSELF AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. Do it while she's still able to care for herself. Frankly, I can't imagine anything worse than moving in with my grown kids! Help mom establish and keep her independence, and you'll be giving her the best gift of all - herself.
She wants to live on her own. Your brother is trying to guilt you out.
Can you actually afford to contribute $300 monthly? Really take a hard look at your finances before committing to that.
You never know how big that snowball will get.
Rent will increase, all other expenses will increase.
Will you and your brother be able to continue to pay $300 this year, $325 next year, $350 the following year?
Mom should look for Senior housing that she can afford.
(Just a thought.. would the purchase a small condo and rent it to your mom be a possibility that way you control some of the cost)
It sounds like at this time your mom does not need a "caregiver" and it sounds like she is capable of living on her own.
Time for both of you to spread your wings.
You take care of you now.
Let mom take care of herself.
Do have a plan for when she does need help greater than what she can manage on her own. But do not disrupt your new life. Lay the groundwork for searching for ways that will get her the help that she may need in a year, or 2 or more.
Your brother shouldn't say anything about who should be living with you. If he doesn't want your mother to be living alone, he can move her into his place.
I suggest it might be wiser to find a studio apartment that your mother can afford. Make sure that she is getting all her needs met -including health insurance for dental, vision and hearing.
In my case, my mom is in her 80s and very independent. She is starting to have problems with vision and hearing. I expect that she will not be able to drive in the next couple of years because of her vision. My sister and I have repeatedly told her that we want her to live as independently as possible for as long as she wishes. She lives in a community with a lot of older people, has good neighbors, and a ladies group at church that she can rely on when she can no longer drive. The understanding we have with mom is that she can live independently as long as she is safe and healthy to do so.
Usually folks every decision you make in life is based on $$$. Everything comes down to money. Depending upon how your mother's health is will determine her fate. For example, the studio in a senior living may work for a while until more services are needed.
A place with an elevator, security, etc. If money is tight, if you can find a good senior citizen housing in a good area. Most have a waitlist that will outlive your loved one.
My motto is whatever you can do to alleviate any situation so they do not have to beg for help. Whatever can lighten their burden. Remember, how "we" want to be treat in our old age.
I've seen it all, parents' that gave their kid everything and they don't even give them the time of day, but take. I've seen the roughest guy going run in to care for sick mother and be by her side. You just can't tell today how it's going to play out.
Americans, we like our independence. In my day, there was no "A Place For Mom" because people had one option, Mom comes to live with you. Fast forward today you have dual-income careers, a high divorce rate, out-of-state children and the parent may not want to move, immature adult children who fell far away from the apple tree, you get what I mean. There's a lot going on.
It's not a one-size fits all answer for every parent. You don't have to plan everything today but you can do a lot of homework online. All of the places are short-staffed. There are multiple responsibilities for one employee so the marketing brochure that looks so inviting are only in the movies.
You have to check places out at night. I'm old-school. Most people want their family to care for them. It's not always possible as I previously mentioned why. We can learn from the past and take the "good" from it.
Dennis Prager (PragerU) did a 5-minute video on this on YouTube. I like his style.
Some of you on this post may not agree with everything I say but that's ok because I have learned a lot from all of you over the past years. For the longest time I just read your posts every Saturday and I always looked forward to it. I was wet behind the ears and didn't know how things worked.; I need to be well-informed on this "caregiving" thing that everyone calls it. But I have matured thanks to all of you!
If a person needs or wants something, they need to ask for it. I'm going to tell you when you're anticipating an elder's every need and just making it all happen, that's propping up a false sense of independence. Then life is nothing but a misery for you.
Everyone needs help at some point in their life. That's nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed of. Never cater to stubbornness or pride though.
Can I pick my mom up off the floor?
Can I change my mom's briefs when she becomes incontinent? Wash her up?
Can I manage my mom's medicines?
Can I make this property wheelchair accessible?
You need to stop catering to that nonsense and going along with it. If your mother can jump to it for your brother, she can do for herself.
There's no reason why you have to take off work to get her to the doctor. A hired homecare aide can do that. If she's not eating and neglecting herself she belongs in AL or LTC.
You don't have to give up your life to take care of her every need and demand. Your brother can step up and help. Homecare could be an option. AL or LTC can be too.
There won't be any changes and you'll be carrying the whole care burden yourself if you won't allow yourself to say no to some of it.