Hello. I am caretaker/POA/heath POA/ Guardian for a man who is 51. We used to date, and he called me after a major stroke from the hospital. He was already diagnosed with dementia & Parkinson’s prior to the stroke, and living in Assisted Living. However after the stroke he required a higher level of care. He called me because they would only release him to a Nursing Home, or someone to live with him 24/7. He was a friend, and I didn’t want to see him go to a nursing home, so I agreed.
This was over two years ago. Fast forward to now, his diseases have gotten much worse, and the more responsibility came on me....being POA and heath POA, Guardian (he was deemed incompetent). I basically handle and run ever aspect of his life, everything. I love and care about him so much, but I’m so scared for myself right now. As he’s been getting worse, he has become VERY mean to me, verbal and emotionally.
I understand it’s from the illness, but how much can a person take?
He yells at me for everything, everything is my fault. From the second I wake up till the second I go to sleep I am either helping him with something physically, managing his 14, and counting, doctors, “being him” in his divorce case (that’s been going on 3 years now) cleaning, cooking, or thinking about what needs to be done or taken care of for him, and everything in between.
I’ve tried to talk to him about how it is to much for me and tell him I can’t do it all, and his reply is always “ you can do it, you just don’t want to” then of course that makes me doubt myself, and I keep trying, only for it to continue.
He’s at the point in his dementia where he is now really realizing he can’t do, or be who he once was ( a very very successful business man) and he takes it out on me, he no longer asks for something he demands it, and if I don’t do it like he would, I get screamed at. This has been happening for quite awhile now, where normally I could take the verbal attacks, knowing it’s the illness, but I no longer can. So now I find myself saying “sorry” then my mind fights with itself, like why am I sorry, I didn’t do anything” then to trying to point it out to him when he does it, but then he turns it all around that I’m yelling at him, and how mean I am to him.
I guess what I’m asking from other caretakers is when do you really know if you can’t do it any longer? There is so much guilt involved as well. He will bring up “you promised to help me and not let me go to a nursing home” Which I did, at the time. He’s not taking into consideration that he would get worse, and I wouldn’t be able to. So when I try to talk to him about that, he cries.
He has no family, has a few brothers in different states, but they won’t help me, no one will. And he has no money, only disability. So what money I do make mostly goes back into him.
I do get paid through the state, for 5 hours a day, and have used all the resources they offer.
I’ve read, and tried the disconnect love, and it doesn’t work.
I know I need to seek counseling, but I was hoping to get other caregivers feelings and experience with it also.
The things a wrote here are just a very very small portion of all I do.
I’m really sorry this has turned out so long, and I hope I’m posting this in the right group. I just read some really old threads I found on google, and can relate to, so many.
Thank you in advance for any help anyone can provide.