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Besides “She won’t let me eat sweets!” or “she yells at me all the time!,” I bet they would have plenty to say.


I’m afraid I couldn’t stand to hear it!

My Dad is now past a year. I find coming to this site has helped me in so many way before and after that I have post a note in my store to hand the burned out caregivers to this forum.
My only experience with my Dad that had me laughing so hard was he called APS (Adult protective services ) to tell them that I am feeding him too much, I am finding help when he does not need any, he has everything he needs and I am hovering over. The APS told him that they wish all calls were his problem that he is a very blessed man at 91. A week later he told me with his head bowed down of the call he made, Told me he loved me. We both laughed so hard! I made him a British Pastie like his Mom did that weekend. He passed shorty after. So, our perception is so different from theirs. Just love them and do the best you can.
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disgustedtoo Dec 6, 2019
That is quite funny and cute! I bet APS had a good chuckle over that call, especially the part about feeding him too much! Funny too how he admitted to making the call, with his head hung down. Your dad must've been a peach to deal with!
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What didn’t my mom say to me? There isn’t enough room on the page for me to respond to this question!

Sorry, guess that was a very sarcastic answer. But, oh so true.
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Ann, the problem is that those suffering from a Dementia no longer can look at things that way you wrote. The become like children and it becomes all about them. It would be nice, though, if they understood what we do/did for them was out of love and respect.

I did enjoy the answers. Like I replied, my Mom would have said I was bossy.
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cherokeegrrl54 Dec 6, 2019
My mom would say that too.....that im bossy. She told me that to my face not too long ago when i was trying to help her with some things. and far as i know now, theres no dementia. Shes 86 and has lost her filter in some respects tho.....mostly its funny but sometimes embarrassing 🤣🤣
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'She thinks she knows everything, well I've been doing it this way ALL my life.'
'I'm 80 yrs old I've earned the right to do Nothin' or 'I'm going to sit on my butt and complain if I want to, I'm old I earned that right'

big sigh
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I can honestly say that after having cared for dependent family members off and on since I was 20, they’d probably say that I’d done what I felt was in their best interests, as kindly and humanely as possible.

I was expected to understand that dementia was a horrible, irreversible diagnosis that made victims of some of the strongest people I’d ever known, and that such victims were to be treated with respect and love, as they’d treated me before their illness stole them from me.

They’d say that they knew I’d attempt to move Heaven and Earth before doing something that caused them distress, and grieve with them if their dementia caused them to misinterpret my obligation to make a decision that in their confusion, they considered hurtful or harmful or unfair.

They’d say that they’d want me to remember them as they were when they were well and strong and independent, and be grateful that I could do that, even at their most dependent and most frail.

I suspect that although many of you, exhausted and worn out, may be thinking of yourselves as you have mentioned here, probably your relatives are or would be, if they were able, thinking and saying the same.

Hugs and Hopes..........
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After my mother passed away I came across emails she'd exchanged with my siblings. Well! - you know how they say "eavesdroppers never hear any good of themselves"?

She didn't complain (no need, siblings assumed I was dreadful to live with anyway) but she did mention that I had been "rather scratchy."

Anyone less polite would have said I was like a bear with a sore head and a toothache whose honey had all gone mouldy. I learned my lesson and deleted the rest of her mailboxes.
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 3, 2019
I feel this is true too. If a person looks for something bad, they may find it.

I like what my sweet grandma used to say, “There is good and bad in everyone,”

I think curiosity gets to some people and you know what everyone says about curiosity. Curiosity killed the cat!

I think curiosity fades as people get older. Not for everyone but most of us. I could care less what my neighbors are doing. I wouldn’t be the person to ask what happened because I wouldn’t be paying attention.
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I'm over 80 and still care for myself but have been reading this to try to learn what I can do to help if/when I can no longer and the caregivers scare me. It's as if they don't know their parents are real people - someone with a real name and feelings just like they have. They have somehow reduced them into an old child who is difficult to manage. Maybe they have raised their own kids too recently and shift into that mode. Also I know from my own reaction when my parents were living that I did not understand or have a clue as to what it was like for them as they aged and now that I have reached their ages - I see I was really very wrong so much. There is a disconnect there. I'm scared and hope and pray I just die when I can't take care of myself.
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tryingmybest8 Dec 6, 2019
My Mom says that so often! She didn’t know what her mom was going through. My Grandma never talked about her difficulties when we went to visit her. She lived in an active assisted living place and always was doing something there. I always got the impression she was happy with many friends and things to do. She lived to be 100. My Mom can’t understand why her mom didn’t tell her how miserable she was. How could Grandma handle it? I think Grandma made friends. You can’t expect your family to be everything. My Mom won’t leave her room to get to know anyone there. They’re good people going through the same thing as her but they aren’t alone. They have each other.
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I was extremely fortunate. My LO's praised me to everyone.

With my father, I had to pull back and remember how it felt to always be told what to do as a child. I didn't like it. So I turned myself around and told him that if he needed me, I was there. I told him to do things the way he wanted and if it didn't work out, we would find a viable path together. Worked like a charm.

With my DH, I thought about how I'd want to be treated - and that is how I treated him.
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Invisible Dec 6, 2019
Excellent advice.
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"They dont have time for me!"
I'm over there twice a day!
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Zdarov Dec 6, 2019
Smiled, but also hoping you’re being careful with yourself. ❤️
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Great answers Everybody!

Today my mom told me “you don’t know what kind of pain I’m having...!” and “Ok Charlotte, you know it all, you know everything..”

But this has been a bad couple of days. Usually she says “I didn’t want to bother you...” Are you all jealous?
Don’t be. I pay for it later lol.
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