What would our loved ones say about us if they had a forum of their own?

"She is bossy"

'She thinks she knows everything, well I've been doing it this way ALL my life.'
'I'm 80 yrs old I've earned the right to do Nothin' or 'I'm going to sit on my butt and complain if I want to, I'm old I earned that right'

big sigh

What didn’t my mom say to me? There isn’t enough room on the page for me to respond to this question!

Sorry, guess that was a very sarcastic answer. But, oh so true.

"They dont have time for me!"
I'm over there twice a day!

"I don't need to be in this &^%# nursing home. If they don't take me back to my house right now I'm calling a cab to take me home."

My MIL toward the end of her life when she could barely walk, couldn't get in and out of bed on her own, had become completely non-compliant on her heart and diabetes medications when she was living at home, and had several times left pans of food heating on the stove and had gone to sleep forgetting about them.

I can honestly say that after having cared for dependent family members off and on since I was 20, they’d probably say that I’d done what I felt was in their best interests, as kindly and humanely as possible.

I was expected to understand that dementia was a horrible, irreversible diagnosis that made victims of some of the strongest people I’d ever known, and that such victims were to be treated with respect and love, as they’d treated me before their illness stole them from me.

They’d say that they knew I’d attempt to move Heaven and Earth before doing something that caused them distress, and grieve with them if their dementia caused them to misinterpret my obligation to make a decision that in their confusion, they considered hurtful or harmful or unfair.

They’d say that they’d want me to remember them as they were when they were well and strong and independent, and be grateful that I could do that, even at their most dependent and most frail.

I suspect that although many of you, exhausted and worn out, may be thinking of yourselves as you have mentioned here, probably your relatives are or would be, if they were able, thinking and saying the same.

Hugs and Hopes..........

Doesnt want to take me anywhere

Ann, the problem is that those suffering from a Dementia no longer can look at things that way you wrote. The become like children and it becomes all about them. It would be nice, though, if they understood what we do/did for them was out of love and respect.

I did enjoy the answers. Like I replied, my Mom would have said I was bossy.

After my mother passed away I came across emails she'd exchanged with my siblings. Well! - you know how they say "eavesdroppers never hear any good of themselves"?

She didn't complain (no need, siblings assumed I was dreadful to live with anyway) but she did mention that I had been "rather scratchy."

Anyone less polite would have said I was like a bear with a sore head and a toothache whose honey had all gone mouldy. I learned my lesson and deleted the rest of her mailboxes.

I think it also depends on who they are speaking with. They say different things to different people.

Don't wanna know!

A bossy know it all. Yep, it’s true. : )

My mother would probably say I am too bossy.

With my mom, it would have just depended on the day probably. I could never tell from one day to the next what was going to happen.

We have often had people chiming in and giving "their own side" of the story. People who are accused of memory loss by managers/employers, people who say "I am the mother you are talking about". People who worry about their memory issues, what they will do in an uncertain future because of no family, uncaring family, unpredictable finances. I would say the forum gives a good view of some getting care, or needing care and NOT getting it, as well as of those giving care. Of course, some are well advanced in dementia and unable to respond, and we all wish we knew what the status is inside for them.
We are none of us Saints; that's for certain. But I never like to think how the Saints end up, anyway.

My GF is a hairdresser. She had a client, Dottie" who was suffering from Dementia. She asked Dottie " you have a birthday coming up?" Dottie said "Yes I do but I can't remember when. But, I probably will remember tomorrow and when I do I will call you."

I am sure my MIL would say that I am selfish because although we care for her, we refuse to give up our lives.  We continue to be a married couple, have our own lives, vacations and careers...although we care for her, she is still mentally and physically capable of taking care of herself to a large degree.  She hates this, she feels that she should be the center of attention and that is all.

Great answers Everybody!

Today my mom told me “you don’t know what kind of pain I’m having...!” and “Ok Charlotte, you know it all, you know everything..”

But this has been a bad couple of days. Usually she says “I didn’t want to bother you...” Are you all jealous?
Don’t be. I pay for it later lol.

My Dad is now past a year. I find coming to this site has helped me in so many way before and after that I have post a note in my store to hand the burned out caregivers to this forum.
My only experience with my Dad that had me laughing so hard was he called APS (Adult protective services ) to tell them that I am feeding him too much, I am finding help when he does not need any, he has everything he needs and I am hovering over. The APS told him that they wish all calls were his problem that he is a very blessed man at 91. A week later he told me with his head bowed down of the call he made, Told me he loved me. We both laughed so hard! I made him a British Pastie like his Mom did that weekend. He passed shorty after. So, our perception is so different from theirs. Just love them and do the best you can.

I'm over 80 and still care for myself but have been reading this to try to learn what I can do to help if/when I can no longer and the caregivers scare me. It's as if they don't know their parents are real people - someone with a real name and feelings just like they have. They have somehow reduced them into an old child who is difficult to manage. Maybe they have raised their own kids too recently and shift into that mode. Also I know from my own reaction when my parents were living that I did not understand or have a clue as to what it was like for them as they aged and now that I have reached their ages - I see I was really very wrong so much. There is a disconnect there. I'm scared and hope and pray I just die when I can't take care of myself.

My Mom is like a broken record. She would say these things over and over:
Your Dad left me here, I was supposed to go first.
You made me sell my house and put me in this prison. (lovely senior apartment)
The DMV took away my drivers license. (thank goodness!)
Why can’t I remember things?
Why am I so weak, tired, shaky.
Why can’t I see, hear, or taste anything?
She doesn’t complain about me because she’s afraid I’ll abandon her (she does say that a lot). Her latest fears are nightmares and weird dreams. She also thinks she’s drinking bad water. (If the water’s good Why is everyone drinking bottled water?) I hear these same complaints every day. She’s 96.5, absolutely miserable, and afraid. I can’t convince her to move to assisted living, she is anti social, and after 2 years still is shopping for another house to live in. I feel sorry for her and I truly think I will never let myself end up like that. It’s a terrible way to live.

Well... this was certainly a thought-provoking question that made me step back and take an objective view of myself, and how I deal with Mom on a daily basis...

(By the way, you can count me in with the "bossy" crowd.)

Mine would say: Your my favorite daughter...I wish those two would stop yelling at me...here, hold my hand. :)
Me and my dad had a great relationship, it's the other two that made him angry....

The same things we would read in a pre-teen to teenage forum.

My husband told the doctor that he gets “fussed at” a lot!

My mum would probably do what she's done all her life and would say something that provokes a response of "Oh poor you". I'm past caring as I'm so used to it. I just want my life back and to feel happy!!!!

I am bossy, so!! Need to be or I will go crazy with the same questions and no talking or talking too much. When mom starts her questions (usually, it's when are you taking to your house). I tell her stop or I am leaving (assisting living place) or I interrupt her over and over until she stops. Won't let her say a word. I know it is mean, but it works for her and me. She then forgets what she wanted to ask in the first place or what she was ranting about.

My dad would say he often feels disregarded or run over in conversation. He may be old but he still has valid things to say, but few ever take a moment to listen

If your LO has dementia, you'll soon know. At some point they all lose their social filter and just speak their mind.

It's ironic that you should pose this thought. When I give speeches about my book, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale," I say that if my mom knew that I was writing a book about our trials and travails dealing with Alzheimer's, that I hoped would help a lot of people, and I'd use a pseudonym for her, to protect her privacy, I think she'd say, "You go girl," which is different from what she'd say to me when she was mad at me, which was, "You go away girl."