Follow
Share
Sovery, I can't imagine the pain you are in for the loss of your son and the way it happened. you and your family are in my prayers!
I do agree about finding a therapist and one who you can trust with whatever you say. There might be support groups too who have suffered similar losses. I just want to say my heart goes out to you. Your son sounds like an American hero.
There's so much I want to say, but I keep back keying and type something else.
I want you to do what you want to do this holiday. The healthiest thing you can think of that will get you through it with the least amount of stress and then make a plan to do that.
Someone said have a plate sent over to your Mom and I think that sounds solid.
hugs from me too. You can do it.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to RBuser1
Report

OMG SoVeryExhausted, I am crying right now reading everything that you wrote. My heart aches for you. Big hugs to you!! Please find a therapist to help you. Don’t have your mother over for thanksgiving. She will ruin it. You owe her nothing. I am so sorry you are going through all of this. HUGS!!!!!!!!
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to elaine1962
Report

Sending you HUGS now!
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Sendhelp
Report

SoVeryExhausted,
Reading everything you wrote.

Please call your PCP for an immediate referral to a psychiatrist, who can make an immediate assessment of why your husband is very worried for you. And the psychiatrist can refer you to a qualified therapist. Or make an appearance at the nearest emergency room. Actual "therapy" can start after Thanksgiving.

We know our nerves do not "break" in a nervous breakdown. But whatever is happening with you, it can be treated, imo.

Does it help at all that during the holidays, it is very common to have so much added stress, and others are trying to cope also, in your shoes.

1) You can tell your husband to drive you to the ER at any sign that you are not behaving as yourself.

2) You can trust your brother to arrange for your Mom. Doubt very much she will be at your Thanksgiving table this year. Is that okay with you? If your Mom does attend, your brother will take her home.

3) You can make an appearance at your Senior Center, and ask to be contacted by someone you can talk to. I was called back by a care manager. It helped to know that others were in tears after having seen the emergency vehicles and ambulances during a recent community devastating incident. Stress is accumulative. I am letting it out in bits and pieces.

4) Doubt very much that you are "crazy", but it can feel that way as one is headed for "caregiver burnout". Crazy people do not know there is a problem, and therefore do not seek help, imo.

5) Can you pack an overnight bag (don't forget your toothbrush) and come back, tell us your thoughts and imaginings as you pack....
dreaming of an overnight hotel stay? Then, if you are going anywhere, you will be ready and not hesitate. It is rare these days that a person is actually admitted for psychiatric care, but you may need some kind of help......this is the first step for a healthy escape.

Keep talking to us. I think some experienced caregivers on this forum can help you PLAN your escape.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Sendhelp
Report

I think that you need now to assess how long you intend to try to give up your own life to this.
That means a licensed social worker working with life change issues, and expert at it.
You likely already, if you are on this site at all, know my opinion of Saints. They end up shot through with arrows, suffer ugly deathes, and then spend eternity trying to answer the prayers of the rest of us. It isn't a good job option. An expert in this work will help you comb through how to untangle all this. That's after you get through the platitudes of "What plans do you have for having good times" and "What hobbies helps you" and "Have you asked the family for help" and so on. I wish you luck. So sorry for all the pain.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to AlvaDeer
Report

So; just big ((((((hugs)))))). I can't believe the pain that you are in. You shouldn't have to put up with your mom; her behavior sounds like it comes out of anxiety and agitation.

Your brother should talk to her doctor about getting her some medication to help with that.

You, dear lady, should sign up with the first therapist who can see you. You sound as though you have gone to the brink and are hovering there. I've been there, and for far less reason that you have.

I visited a psychiatrist after my second kid was born; she told me, kindly, that she thought I needed to be hospitalized. I laughed at her; I was SO much stronger than she thought.

A day later, I was walking down the street, trying to figure out how to kill myself and my two kids and not leave too much of a mess. I realized that this was not a good place to be and called her. She asked me to come to the hospital, with the baby.

I went home and explained to my husband what was going on; he told me he was much too busy to deal with my nuttiness and to get a grip. I took the subway (and my baby) to my nervous breakdown.

Having spent a couple of day in a psychiatric hospital, having gotten good therapy and good meds, I'm in a much better place, almost 40 years later.

The first step in the one YOU need to take. Again (((((Hugs))))))).
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to BarbBrooklyn
Report
Riverdale Nov 23, 2019
Oh how frightening. I remember after my first child was born and then after my first grandchild was born wanting to stay away from the window for fear some force would come over me and I might throw them out. It terrified me but did pass and was on antidepressants by the time the grandchild was born. I haven't experienced that again and now have 3 grandchildren.
(3)
Report
Darn it. I just typed 3 pages and lost the whole thing. I'm going to give you the short version. She is unkind and unloving. Always has been. Never told me she loved me my entire life. She has ruined every holiday the last 9 years since my dad passed. Thanksgiving is my favorite. All my kids know to be home for it. I spend all day cooking and getting everything right. One of the kids will go pick her up. We don't even get half way through dinner and she is demanding to know who is taking her home! And she wants to go now! I have missed sitting with my family and invited company to get up and take her home. In 2017 I had a melt down as she ruined yet another Thanksgiving. Unfortunately I did this in front of my kids, husband, brother and his wife. I said she has ruined every holiday and I don't know when I will ever have my 3 kids together again. I was inconsolable. February 4th 2018 my oldest was murdered. He fought in Iraq and Afghanistan. He was a Captain with the fire dept. And a crazy piece of drunk shit shot him in the head as he was with a group of friends after dinner. So I will never have all of my kids together again. And I hate her for ruining the times I did. She lives at home. I have caregivers there during the day. She now has become incontinent and refuses to be helped to clean up. She sits in depends full of poop and chain smokes. My brother who has never helped 1 day is coming from out of state in 2 weeks to figure a way to get her into a NH. She told him he would have to take her kicking and screaming. I suppose Thanksgiving next week has been a trigger for me. Its been almost 2 years of hearings and a 3 1/2 week murder trial that finally resulted in sentencing last month. My husband is terrified that something is going to happen to me. I am going to have a stroke or heart attack. The stress of the last 2 years and dealing with her while working long hours is too much. If you have managed to read this far I thank you. I have researched therapist and really haven't found one that deals with caregiver stress. I suppose I'll check with my insurance and just pick one.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to SoVeryExhausted
Report
Jada824 Nov 23, 2019
I am so very sorry for your loss & the heartache you’re going through. Hugs!
(1)
Report
See 2 more replies
Maybe. It depends where you live. Then again, there is only so much help that they can give. They can help you learn to set boundaries, if that's an issue. They can give you advice on dealing with other family members and the issues they cause. But there's only so much they can do to address the basic problem of being stuck as a caregiver and hating it.

I had a therapist I thought was quite good. But her consistent advice was to put Mom in assisted living. She said Mom was not safe living on her own. True. She said Mom would adjust and she would end up enjoying it. I don't know, because that didn't happen.

I didn't feel that I had the authority to tell Mom what to do, only to decide what I would and wouldn't do. And I was afraid that if Mom yielded to my insistence that she go into assisted living, that everything about it would become my responsibility. Her annoyances with other residents, her distaste for the food and activities, the shortcomings of whatever personal care she received. I was afraid I would be on the hook when the costs went up as her needs increased and Mom's income would not cover the additional charges for additional help. So I pushed back against that suggestion, not because I disagreed, but because I could see it wouldn't work in my/Mom's particular circumstances.

I send you support and my best wishes. With more information, we might be able to offer you more help.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to CarlaCB
Report
DollyMe Nov 23, 2019
Living in fear is one of the worst places to live. Your third paragraph gave me chills, wondering how in the world someone could be so afraid of making the right decision for someone who could no longer do so for themselves. There are so many options today and none of them include another paying for anything. There is a huge difference between responsibility and imagined/forced blame.

I am glad that this all worked out for you and hope that you will never have to address this issue again. Take care.
(1)
Report
I always described it as soul crushing, like it was killing me from the inside out. I felt like I was dying too, except no one was there to ease my suffering. It hurts me to hear you going through this too. On this forum, I have found a wealth of wisdom, support and advice that I couldn’t find anywhere else. It’s been a lifeline for me, and that’s not an exaggeration. I hope you’ll allow the people here to guide you. So often we see no escape because we’re so entrenched in the situation. Please allow the wisdom of the people here to see the things you can’t. We’re here. Hugs to you and a wish for better days.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to anonymous979634
Report

I'm so sorry that you are in this hole! Respectfully, you can and should escape if caregiving is messing you up this much -- you need to save yourself. If you don't help yourself, how will you help the one you are caring for? So you see, you must put on your oxygen mask first. Yes, this would mean giving up the caregiving. Yes, there is a pathway out for you and your care recipients. No, it probably won't be immediate and no, it probably won't be easy. Why would you keep holding onto something that is draining you to the point of complete breakdown? I do get that the exhaustion and depression makes just the thought of adding to your daily pile very unsavory. But you can eat an elephant one bite at a time. Perhaps you are entangle emotionally with your care recipient and there is all sorts of dysfunctional complications that make removing yourself feel very difficult if not impossible? Again, you must put yourself first going forward before you are completely unable to function. May you have support, clarity, solutions, opportunities, inner strength and confidence as you fight for yourself!
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Geaton777
Report

I suppose when you look into potential therapists you could tell them your particular situation and see what feedback you get.

Are there caregiver support groups in your area? Can you hire a sitter and take a break? Best wishes to you.

Have you called Council on Aging to speak with them? I received two four hour shifts a month care from them. Not a huge break but better than nothing.

Do you want to share a little more info?
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
Report

Ask a Question

Subscribe to
Our Newsletter