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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
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I simply ask "where is home" and depending on the answer I then try to discuss and/or redirect the best I can. He once said 136th Street and in our 55 years of marriage we never lived at an address even similar. I asked his older brother and learned that was where they lived as young boys. It is amazing the conversations we have had. His PD related dementia now has Lewy Bodies involved. He can no longer separate what is on TV from reality. If I realize he is talking about "home" on TV, usually saying something like that is where "they" live so we don't have to worry about what is happening there. As with most questions involving something on TV, I usually give a similar answer and he will answer with Oh, OK. He often feels he has to solve TV character's problems.
What I did was I'd take my mom somewhere, get her in the car and just take a drive toward the mountain or through town and she'd either forget about wanting to go home or think she was home when I got her back to assisted living. If you can't so something like that, maybe just take them for a little walk around the house or facility. It seemed the movement from one place to another helped my mom, but it depends I suppose on how sharp they still are.
Distract, redirect, change subject. My dad was in AL and every time we talked it was the 1st thing he asked, he was constantly asking staff and other residents how he could go home, get out of the AL. Staff and me always gave him the same answer "we need to wait until you get better", and changed subject. He loved gold and rock mining so I would read before visits about some mining news and have that ready, or some news about the economy, weather or current events.
Unfortunately I could not bring the subject of family as all of them are out of state and that would bring back the question "when can I go home."
Hope this gives you some additional options on how to deal with the challenge.
Say nothing or distract her subject at your own risk. Distract your loved one with an entirely different subject. If it becomes very difficult to forget the subject in their situation, perhaps an ombudsman will provide advice.
With my late 93 & 94-year-old mother's situation, she always asked to go home with me to our Good 'O CA place where I still live. My brother in OR just came up with Mom's past good memories, then she would forget what was asked in her confusion. I would tell my mother that we could talk with our social workers, then change her subject to more pleasant thoughts. After our five-minute phone talk, Mom said she got tired and that she had to rest since she slept up to 20 hours daily. I called her once a week until three weeks before she died. I saw her in OR one last time, three weeks before her death event. I was then on unable to reach her by telephone anymore.
My aunt has long been a hospice live-in caregiver. When I first was faced with a young husband who had a massive stroke, leaving him with brain damage, unable to walk, unable to talk, and sundowning, it was a very challenging time for me to figure out how to take care of his needs. My aunt gave me some advice from her experience. One thing she told me was, "They all want to go home". I hear that echoed in this forum a lot. My husband often asked to go "home" or to go see his mother or his brother. Both had died years earlier. I simply replied that we can't go see his mother. I think it's a good idea as other people have advised, to ask about their home or something in their past, allow them to reflect and share their memories, and get a glimpse into where their mind is at. They may have a moment of realization that someone has died, or that their childhood home is no longer accessible, and may even start crying as that reality sinks in and clashes with their fantasy. My husband often told me that his deceased brother would take care of him. I have always wondered if he meant that he wanted to go where his brother is, that is, he knew his brother is dead and wanted to join him. I just do my best to keep him comfortable and focused on the present. It's now been 10 years post-stroke, and so a lot of his old memories have faded, having been replaced by the current monotonous routine of his daily life. Sometimes "home" means his bed - where he feels comfortable and safe.
My dad has been asking to leave his MC facility for 2+ years. All you can do is keep agreeing and saying you know, try to change the perspective by talking about the positives there... "everyone is so nice, the food is really good" And of course try to change the subject. My dad is extremely confused and cannot follow a conversation, but consistently asks to get out of this place.
Going “home” is not always home. Home is often yearning for familiar. With time the new home becomes familiar and the smaller universe becomes comforting. It takes time but stick to it. Taking them out for visits actually makes it worse in my experience.
You have heard here how common this litany is to those in care, and that won't change, so the best advice would be to say the truth, that you are so very sorry, but that for her own safety going home isn't safe for her anymore.
You are, I think, perhaps thinking there is a way to "make this stop"? But there isn't. You will be asked this over and over. Every time she sees you she sees you as her only hope of escape. The less said the better. Just the simple truth. Over and over again.
Agree with Dogwood63. My mom has been in Memory Care Unit for a little over 2 months. She stills talks about “going home” or “getting out of here,” but not as frequently or as adamantly as she did the first several weeks she was there. Explaining that it was no longer safe for her to live at home alone did not work. Our standard response now is that she is there “for rehab” and that it is up to the doctors to determine when she is able to return home. While this may seem “dishonest” at first, it may help to remember that your loved one’s brain is not functioning properly now and that their brain cannot understand the current situation.
Just my insight,my parents both passed in the 70s before the had this,the more active a life style with people around slows the progression,im number 15 our home was always active for them,at 61 i feel that its creeping into my life,i live alone with no company except the t.v..i pray i never get it and hope if i do no one has to deal with me ,because i can be nasty at times.
This is a common thing for people with dementia, even if they are still in their own home and have lived there for years. To them "home" comes to represent their childhood home or another place where they felt comfortable, loved, and life made sense.
What to say depends on the situation. To "I want to go home", I typically respond with "I know, me too, me too" in a wistful longing tone. I'm 61 and love my current home, but I have nostalgia for my childhood home, so I can relate to the longing.
You can ask them to tell you about their home - was there a garden, a favorite hiding place, did they have any pets? You may hear some interesting stories, and by listening, you'll give them the gift of returning to their home through their reminiscence.
If they say "When can I go home?", I answer "I don't know, we will need to check with the doctor" or you try another track like "As soon as the city says it's ok" (if they had previously been told their house had a flood or mold, etc.)
Think about a situation your loved one can relate to, and blame the delay on an authority figure they respect like physical ailment -> doctor, house problem -> city inspectors, etc.
Try to keep the answer short and resist the urge to give a long explanation or reason. They are beyond being able to understand why they are where they are, but they are not beyond being able to argue, so avoid giving them reasons, That is just fuel for more arguing.
Change the subject or show them something that will grab their attention. My mom loves videos of baby animals or children.
Thank you Dogwood63! These are all good strategies, especially if your loved one is highly functioning! You are so right about invoking “authority figures.” I also email or call my sister’s doctors ahead of appointments so that they can also tell her in person why she needs to stay there. Her hearing them say she’s there so that they can “monitor” her condition and keep her “safe.”, is way more effective than me telling her. She now tells me that she has to stay put because of her doctor.
Another distraction if the weather is good, if your loved one enjoys ice cream, and is still able to leave home or a facility, is taking that person out for an ice cream! Something about going out and eating ice cream changes sadness to gladness, by breaking the routine. The “ice cream memories” are usually happy ones, and the stories you’ll hear! Even when we return to Memory Care, the good memories remain for a while.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
"When the doctor says you are well enough."
"When you are doing better at..."
"We'll keeping working on this."
Also helps to change subject after a brief, noncomittal assurance.
You keep the person calm and change the subject.
You always want to keep the person calm so your words reflect this objective / intention.
Say:
"I'm working on it."
"After a few tests we can make arrangements to get you home."
These kinkds of open ended responses give the person H O P E and often that is all they have.
I do not know the specifics of this person saying they want to go home. Could you give us more information?
Gena / Touch Matters
Unfortunately I could not bring the subject of family as all of them are out of state and that would bring back the question "when can I go home."
Hope this gives you some additional options on how to deal with the challenge.
Best wishes.
With my late 93 & 94-year-old mother's situation, she always asked to go home with me to our Good 'O CA place where I still live. My brother in OR just came up with Mom's past good memories, then she would forget what was asked in her confusion. I would tell my mother that we could talk with our social workers, then change her subject to more pleasant thoughts. After our five-minute phone talk, Mom said she got tired and that she had to rest since she slept up to 20 hours daily. I called her once a week until three weeks before she died. I saw her in OR one last time, three weeks before her death event. I was then on unable to reach her by telephone anymore.
My aunt gave me some advice from her experience. One thing she told me was, "They all want to go home".
I hear that echoed in this forum a lot.
My husband often asked to go "home" or to go see his mother or his brother. Both had died years earlier. I simply replied that we can't go see his mother.
I think it's a good idea as other people have advised, to ask about their home or something in their past, allow them to reflect and share their memories, and get a glimpse into where their mind is at.
They may have a moment of realization that someone has died, or that their childhood home is no longer accessible, and may even start crying as that reality sinks in and clashes with their fantasy.
My husband often told me that his deceased brother would take care of him.
I have always wondered if he meant that he wanted to go where his brother is, that is, he knew his brother is dead and wanted to join him.
I just do my best to keep him comfortable and focused on the present. It's now been 10 years post-stroke, and so a lot of his old memories have faded, having been replaced by the current monotonous routine of his daily life.
Sometimes "home" means his bed - where he feels comfortable and safe.
And of course try to change the subject. My dad is extremely confused and cannot follow a conversation, but consistently asks to get out of this place.
You are, I think, perhaps thinking there is a way to "make this stop"? But there isn't. You will be asked this over and over. Every time she sees you she sees you as her only hope of escape. The less said the better. Just the simple truth. Over and over again.
What to say depends on the situation. To "I want to go home", I typically respond with "I know, me too, me too" in a wistful longing tone. I'm 61 and love my current home, but I have nostalgia for my childhood home, so I can relate to the longing.
You can ask them to tell you about their home - was there a garden, a favorite hiding place, did they have any pets? You may hear some interesting stories, and by listening, you'll give them the gift of returning to their home through their reminiscence.
If they say "When can I go home?", I answer "I don't know, we will need to check with the doctor" or you try another track like "As soon as the city says it's ok" (if they had previously been told their house had a flood or mold, etc.)
Think about a situation your loved one can relate to, and blame the delay on an authority figure they respect like physical ailment -> doctor, house problem -> city inspectors, etc.
Try to keep the answer short and resist the urge to give a long explanation or reason. They are beyond being able to understand why they are where they are, but they are not beyond being able to argue, so avoid giving them reasons, That is just fuel for more arguing.
Change the subject or show them something that will grab their attention. My mom loves videos of baby animals or children.
These are all good strategies, especially if your loved one is highly functioning! You are so right about invoking “authority figures.” I also email or call my sister’s doctors ahead of appointments so that they can also tell her in person why she needs to stay there. Her hearing them say she’s there so that they can “monitor” her condition and keep her “safe.”, is way more effective than me telling her. She now tells me that she has to stay put because of her doctor.
Another distraction if the weather is good, if your loved one enjoys ice cream, and is still able to leave home or a facility, is taking that person out for an ice cream! Something about going out and eating ice cream changes sadness to gladness, by breaking the routine. The “ice cream memories” are usually happy ones, and the stories you’ll hear! Even when we return to Memory Care, the good memories remain for a while.