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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
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This is a common thing for people with dementia, even if they are still in their own home and have lived there for years. To them "home" comes to represent their childhood home or another place where they felt comfortable, loved, and life made sense.
What to say depends on the situation. To "I want to go home", I typically respond with "I know, me too, me too" in a wistful longing tone. I'm 61 and love my current home, but I have nostalgia for my childhood home, so I can relate to the longing.
You can ask them to tell you about their home - was there a garden, a favorite hiding place, did they have any pets? You may hear some interesting stories, and by listening, you'll give them the gift of returning to their home through their reminiscence.
If they say "When can I go home?", I answer "I don't know, we will need to check with the doctor" or you try another track like "As soon as the city says it's ok" (if they had previously been told their house had a flood or mold, etc.)
Think about a situation your loved one can relate to, and blame the delay on an authority figure they respect like physical ailment -> doctor, house problem -> city inspectors, etc.
Try to keep the answer short and resist the urge to give a long explanation or reason. They are beyond being able to understand why they are where they are, but they are not beyond being able to argue, so avoid giving them reasons, That is just fuel for more arguing.
Change the subject or show them something that will grab their attention. My mom loves videos of baby animals or children.
Thank you Dogwood63! These are all good strategies, especially if your loved one is highly functioning! You are so right about invoking “authority figures.” I also email or call my sister’s doctors ahead of appointments so that they can also tell her in person why she needs to stay there. Her hearing them say she’s there so that they can “monitor” her condition and keep her “safe.”, is way more effective than me telling her. She now tells me that she has to stay put because of her doctor.
Another distraction if the weather is good, if your loved one enjoys ice cream, and is still able to leave home or a facility, is taking that person out for an ice cream! Something about going out and eating ice cream changes sadness to gladness, by breaking the routine. The “ice cream memories” are usually happy ones, and the stories you’ll hear! Even when we return to Memory Care, the good memories remain for a while.
My dad has been asking to leave his MC facility for 2+ years. All you can do is keep agreeing and saying you know, try to change the perspective by talking about the positives there... "everyone is so nice, the food is really good" And of course try to change the subject. My dad is extremely confused and cannot follow a conversation, but consistently asks to get out of this place.
Going “home” is not always home. Home is often yearning for familiar. With time the new home becomes familiar and the smaller universe becomes comforting. It takes time but stick to it. Taking them out for visits actually makes it worse in my experience.
Agree with Dogwood63. My mom has been in Memory Care Unit for a little over 2 months. She stills talks about “going home” or “getting out of here,” but not as frequently or as adamantly as she did the first several weeks she was there. Explaining that it was no longer safe for her to live at home alone did not work. Our standard response now is that she is there “for rehab” and that it is up to the doctors to determine when she is able to return home. While this may seem “dishonest” at first, it may help to remember that your loved one’s brain is not functioning properly now and that their brain cannot understand the current situation.
You have heard here how common this litany is to those in care, and that won't change, so the best advice would be to say the truth, that you are so very sorry, but that for her own safety going home isn't safe for her anymore.
You are, I think, perhaps thinking there is a way to "make this stop"? But there isn't. You will be asked this over and over. Every time she sees you she sees you as her only hope of escape. The less said the better. Just the simple truth. Over and over again.
My aunt has long been a hospice live-in caregiver. When I first was faced with a young husband who had a massive stroke, leaving him with brain damage, unable to walk, unable to talk, and sundowning, it was a very challenging time for me to figure out how to take care of his needs. My aunt gave me some advice from her experience. One thing she told me was, "They all want to go home". I hear that echoed in this forum a lot. My husband often asked to go "home" or to go see his mother or his brother. Both had died years earlier. I simply replied that we can't go see his mother. I think it's a good idea as other people have advised, to ask about their home or something in their past, allow them to reflect and share their memories, and get a glimpse into where their mind is at. They may have a moment of realization that someone has died, or that their childhood home is no longer accessible, and may even start crying as that reality sinks in and clashes with their fantasy. My husband often told me that his deceased brother would take care of him. I have always wondered if he meant that he wanted to go where his brother is, that is, he knew his brother is dead and wanted to join him. I just do my best to keep him comfortable and focused on the present. It's now been 10 years post-stroke, and so a lot of his old memories have faded, having been replaced by the current monotonous routine of his daily life. Sometimes "home" means his bed - where he feels comfortable and safe.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
What to say depends on the situation. To "I want to go home", I typically respond with "I know, me too, me too" in a wistful longing tone. I'm 61 and love my current home, but I have nostalgia for my childhood home, so I can relate to the longing.
You can ask them to tell you about their home - was there a garden, a favorite hiding place, did they have any pets? You may hear some interesting stories, and by listening, you'll give them the gift of returning to their home through their reminiscence.
If they say "When can I go home?", I answer "I don't know, we will need to check with the doctor" or you try another track like "As soon as the city says it's ok" (if they had previously been told their house had a flood or mold, etc.)
Think about a situation your loved one can relate to, and blame the delay on an authority figure they respect like physical ailment -> doctor, house problem -> city inspectors, etc.
Try to keep the answer short and resist the urge to give a long explanation or reason. They are beyond being able to understand why they are where they are, but they are not beyond being able to argue, so avoid giving them reasons, That is just fuel for more arguing.
Change the subject or show them something that will grab their attention. My mom loves videos of baby animals or children.
These are all good strategies, especially if your loved one is highly functioning! You are so right about invoking “authority figures.” I also email or call my sister’s doctors ahead of appointments so that they can also tell her in person why she needs to stay there. Her hearing them say she’s there so that they can “monitor” her condition and keep her “safe.”, is way more effective than me telling her. She now tells me that she has to stay put because of her doctor.
Another distraction if the weather is good, if your loved one enjoys ice cream, and is still able to leave home or a facility, is taking that person out for an ice cream! Something about going out and eating ice cream changes sadness to gladness, by breaking the routine. The “ice cream memories” are usually happy ones, and the stories you’ll hear! Even when we return to Memory Care, the good memories remain for a while.
And of course try to change the subject. My dad is extremely confused and cannot follow a conversation, but consistently asks to get out of this place.
You are, I think, perhaps thinking there is a way to "make this stop"? But there isn't. You will be asked this over and over. Every time she sees you she sees you as her only hope of escape. The less said the better. Just the simple truth. Over and over again.
My aunt gave me some advice from her experience. One thing she told me was, "They all want to go home".
I hear that echoed in this forum a lot.
My husband often asked to go "home" or to go see his mother or his brother. Both had died years earlier. I simply replied that we can't go see his mother.
I think it's a good idea as other people have advised, to ask about their home or something in their past, allow them to reflect and share their memories, and get a glimpse into where their mind is at.
They may have a moment of realization that someone has died, or that their childhood home is no longer accessible, and may even start crying as that reality sinks in and clashes with their fantasy.
My husband often told me that his deceased brother would take care of him.
I have always wondered if he meant that he wanted to go where his brother is, that is, he knew his brother is dead and wanted to join him.
I just do my best to keep him comfortable and focused on the present. It's now been 10 years post-stroke, and so a lot of his old memories have faded, having been replaced by the current monotonous routine of his daily life.
Sometimes "home" means his bed - where he feels comfortable and safe.
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