Follow
Share

Mom (80s) has lived in a 5-star SNF for 4 years and suffers from multiple chronic conditions, takes 10 meds daily, uses a walker but generally is not happy. She disengages from the other residents and refuses to participate in activities, shower, etc. The staff and facility are A#1 and have been a god-send! It is 15 minutes from where I live. However, Mom wants to move in with her niece, 2 other adults and numerous pets into a small 2-bedroom residence. This would be a 2-hour drive for me and I have medical and legal POA. Mom remembers when she was 15 years younger and she shared a residence with her niece. Mom also has cognitive decline with delusions, visions, etc. and is not rational, but according to her tests not bad enough to be in the dementia wing. Her niece is retired but in questionable health and travels for weeks at a time. She also has a laissez-faire style and would not enforce a med schedule or nutritious meals. I am worried that Mom would move in and things would not go well after the initial honeymoon period. Her niece does have some medical work experience but is not an LPN or RN. I do not believe that this is the best place for Mom and also I fear that her niece is really interested in her SS dollars. (She has a track record of lying, stealing and cheating others to gain material possessions and large sums of money.) I fear that Mom will move out of the SNF and then I will have a very difficult time getting her back in or at the very least locating another top-notch facility. Mom is a narc and very manipulative and is getting worse as she ages. There is no pleasing her and the relationship if affecting my health. Any suggestions out there?

Find Care & Housing
3 adults and pets are already living in a 2 bedroom home is a red flag.
Helpful Answer (19)
Reply to MACinCT
Report
TouchMatters Sep 12, 2025
And stealing. Don't forget that part.
(3)
Report
See 1 more reply
This shouldn't even be up for discussion.
Helpful Answer (18)
Reply to lkdrymom
Report
TouchMatters Sep 12, 2025
Right. And the question is ... why is the daughter needing to discuss or 'ask' us. There is something more going on with the daughter ... she is torn for some reason(s) and we didn't really hear enough of her feelings about it to understand why / how she thinks this is even 00.01% a 'good idea.' And she gives us the stats as to why it isn't a good idea ... although she doesn't seem to see it - thus writing us here.

Gena
(2)
Report
Absolutely no. Your mother is always going to be unhappy. That is the reality.

Don’t give up her spot at this place.
Helpful Answer (17)
Reply to Bulldog54321
Report
KNance72 Sep 7, 2025
Exactly they don't hold the spot for you if you leave . it is not easy getting a bed In a Good Place . I had to call 8 Nursing Homes that were good and finally on the Ninth try found a bed at a decent Place .
(11)
Report
Tell Mom she NEEDS to stay where she is at her nursing home .

What Mom WANTS is not the priority here . We all want things or situations that we don’t get .

We need to learn that we should not feel we are obligated to ignore the consequences of aging and try to make someone happy and blow up our own lives . Take it from someone who learned this lesson the hard way .

She’s old , very often that means no longer happy in general, no matter what .

I had a narc , manipulative , unhappy mother too , who expected me to follow her orders and take her out of her assisted living facility.

I finally , at my wits end , told my mother ,
” Mom I did not make you old , I can’t fix old “.
Helpful Answer (16)
Reply to waytomisery
Report
ElizabethAR37 Sep 12, 2025
Note to longevity researchers: find a way to "fix" old before you announce the latest medical advance intended to prolong the existence of failing bodies and minds.
(2)
Report
See 1 more reply
Don’t allow it. You already know it would be a train wreck!
Helpful Answer (14)
Reply to Fawnby
Report

Make sure the Niece does not take her out to lunch then Kidnaps her - it sounds Like Money is involved . I would warn the Place not to let the NIece come in Unless she Is watched . Once a Person is Kidnapped it is hard to get them Back .
Helpful Answer (14)
Reply to KNance72
Report

In one word, No.
Helpful Answer (13)
Reply to Hothouseflower
Report

Why on earth would you consider this nonsensical plan.

Stop trying to make your mother happy.

Google "Out of the FOG".
Helpful Answer (13)
Reply to BarbBrooklyn
Report

I would suggest you stop trying to be responsible for your mother's happiness. It's unlikely, if indeed she is as you diagnose her, "a narc" that she will ever be happy.

As you are a grown adult I trust your judgement to weigh a "5 star" facility against a "lying and cheating neice".
Helpful Answer (13)
Reply to AlvaDeer
Report

Begging you not to change mom's current situation here! If the relationship is affecting your health with her at the 5 star facility with A1 staff (please please remember how hard that is to find!) imagine how it will be once she you start getting calls from her at the niece's... And you have to drive two hours to deal with a crisis. Or when the niece kicks her out etc etc.

Talk to the social worker at the snf for help intervening if this talk continues. Unsafe environment at niece's etc based on her medical needs.

Don't even entertain it as a possibility.
Helpful Answer (12)
Reply to casole
Report

See All Answers
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter