I don't even know where to begin. I guess I'm just looking for support. I'm 36. I was raised by my grandparents in less than ideal conditions most of the time. My mother was schizophrenic and we lost her ten years ago. My aunt is also schizophrenic. My grandfather died five years ago (renal failure) and my own father is pretty much not in the picture.
Since my grandfather died, I've been trying to do what I can to make sure my family has groceries, necessities, etc. Some outings when we can. In October, my grandmother became very ill and was placed in a nursing facility. After what I can only describe as bullying from her and a close family friend, I explored other options for care and found what's called "Community Waiver". It's a Medicaid sponsored program with provides certain care in the home without the worry of losing income, as most people do when placed in a long term care nursing facility.
During the time I was researching options and doing the best I could to coordinate medical care, hospital visits, nursing home meetings, etc., I was also trying to find assistance for my aunt. She's schizophrenic and has increasingly relied on my grandmother's income for her day to day needs. My grandmother receives social security and a small annuity from my deceased grandfather's retirement; my aunt receives SSI.
Some of the problem is that my aunt has no concept of...anything. I have found a local program called ACT which helps people like her, but things are still very difficult. There's never an end to what she needs. I can take her to the store on a Sunday and Monday she's calling me telling me she's overdrawn her account (I've paid for whatever she needs on Sunday, by the way). Or on Tuesday she's out of cigarettes, or Wednesday she's out of ...whatever. It never ends. She can't ration money, food, or time.
My poor grandmother is quite passive aggressive and refuses to reason. Most would say, well, it's because she is elderly...but she's been like this my entire life. She raised me with the same passive-aggressive, guilt ridden mindset.
I don't know where I'm going with this entry...there's too much to describe in one entry. I guess where I'm going with all of this is selfish. Very selfish. I feel trapped. I feel isolated. I'm blessed to have my partner and his family but there are no other friends. I am the power of attorney for my grandmother, and I handle everything I can from a facilitative aspect, I guess. I don't bathe or help her with needs for toileting or whatever, but the constant stress of someone always needing something is getting to me. I can't do the things for myself that I was doing just 6 months ago. I can't devote the time I need to my work or to myself. And I'm getting resentful and very angry. Angry at my aunt for never being able to do anything right...angry with her for not helping with her mother. Angry with my grandmother for not having prepared anything for this point in her life. Angry because I'm the only one who can do anything, and people are constantly calling me - all hours of the day and night-even the people who are caring for her. I can't handle it very well anymore. Some people tell me to cut ties with them. But I can't do that. I sometimes wish I could, and more than once have felt so angry with things, or so trapped, that I have convinced myself that I have cut them off. But I know if I do, no one else will be there to help them.
Does anyone else feel like this? Is it normal to be this ravenously angry all the time? Depression and rage are consuming me. I constantly am having horrible thoughts about myself, and how terrible of a person I am. I'm even having flashbacks to remembering how I was constantly reminded of how much a burden I was when I was a kid.
More and more I find the words "I hate her" (meaning either grandmother or aunt) slipping from my lips. I don't them...I don't think. But I definitely hate something. I feel hate. I feel intense hate for something. Sometimes I think it 's for myself.
I don't know how to get these images and this rage and this depression to go away. I guess it would help to know if anyone else feels this, too. Please forgive me for this being so disjointed and ill-thought out. I don't really know much about what else to say.