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We moved in with my mom after dad died 1 1/2 years ago and it seems like the chaos never ends. My siblings were all for it till the reality hit them that they couldn't continue to sponge money from mom all the time which cut into their income. I mean seriously my husband and myself have a nice nest egg built and own a home have two productive children who are doing ok. My sister has never been married and my brothers divorced from a drunk who does drugs with his two adult boys. He had them living with my parents for years and they were weedling money from my parents that whole time. I never asked for money from my parents yet was told by their financial advisor that it was normal for my parents to pull out huge sums of money every year to cover the so called loans to them all. Every last one comes by and does the sob story don't know how I can do this that or the other thing and hinting for money which my mom feels sorry for them and wAnts to fix whatever the issue is. My sister is the worst and my mom's favorite. Even the psychologist mom sees said that mom can't see anything wrong in the things they do. Mom is always saying I need to forgive my siblings placing the claim for the strained relationship on me. They treat my husband horribly and there's been many times I wonder how he could love me enough to put up with this crap. We have no respite without leaving people in charge who have no respect for us. My sister goes through my mom's things and I think she's taking things and my brother thinks he can do anything even though this is our home too right now. We have a home of our own which is filled with all the things you accumulate in a thirty year marriage raising two kids. We live here with mom because she refused to move to our home and it's really not a good place for her anyhow. Extreme temps, stairs, and it would be hard for her to get around. She also has memory issues which get much worse when she's not in her regular environment.

I'm so stressed that it's hard to function and do what needs to be done. My husband seems even worse. I would have walked away from this last July if I had known what I do now. We gave up retiring next year, lost a lot of money from moving here, gave up most of our assets just to make it and my family is still playing games with mom. I just am wishing this would end so I don't have to watch any more of this.

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jojo, seriously if you are feeling this badly you need to get out of this situation. Your mom could go into assisted living.
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When the situation is as bad as you describe; you've got to find a way out.
Can you & husband move to an affordable apt or back to your own home?
Can you move mom to memory care or group home; use her assets as others have suggested to provide for her care as long as possible and then she will qualify for medicare?
This will surely stop the family leeches from having further access to her investments and estate
If dr willing to declare incompetence, then if you are DPOA; you can take care of her funds and/or transfer her accounts to a new bank account to use only for mom and give mom a small allowance that she can do whatever she wants with, including giving away to her other children if she so chooses, but it will at least limit the amounts they get.
You are seriously about to have a breakdown which won't be good for anybody and you can't control mom's spending (gifting).

I vote, move mom and then move out; selling house and placing funds in acct for mom's care.
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If you continue as you are, you will be the one in the nursing home and single. You and your husband need to move out - NOW. I would go to a government senior advisory group in your area and tell them your story, that you need to move out and let them make arrangements for a home visitor or other help to start doing for your mother - to be safe and protect yourself, see a lawyer and let him guide you in how to do it without being legally responsible and accused of abandoning her. It sounds like she will leave you nothing anyway, and your sacrifices are not appreciated by her or anyone in your family. Your family and sister are using you and taking no responsibility although they are benefiting from her "gifts". She has money to take care of her if it is used correctly. So get out while you can and leave the ultimate responsibility to your sister and let the chips fall where they may. If the state is aware of her needs and you have made arrangements, you should be done with it. Visit her on occasion, but other than that, go and live your life.
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It's rather a catch 22 with the investments. We have them invested so that they provide her a steady monthly income. This means the money is enough for every thing she needs living in her home which is paid for but not enough to sustain her for very long in a facility. There's enough for her to pay her bills and food etc but not a lot extra. The fees for in home care providers are $28 per hour which adds up really quick. She has not been told she has dementia and seems like a normal 83 yo but has some memory issues which make her easy prey for those who want money from her. That's why I can't walk away and why respite care is hard to find. Then there are the anal exams we get from my siblings if she replaces things or makes repairs on the house. My husband has put in countless hours putting in bars in the bathroom and many other things to keep things going. Including fixing termite damage that was first noticed before we even moved here and simply ignored by my brother and nephews. I don't care about what I will inherit or not as I'm more concerned about mom being happy till the end. I agree though that we need time off for things we want to do. We need to be able to plan an outing and choose when we will be gone. I guess I'm pretty lucky to have a partner who gives me breaks. I just miss spending time with him. Please understand I left my friends and activities 12 hours away in the town I had lived in for 12 years. I am tired and feeling defeated but I really have no options except to move forward in what I'm doing.
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The way I see it, you can either save mom's assets or save your own sanity. I agree with jeannegibbs, that money is there for her care. You would all be better off if there is nothing left to fight over. Get her into assisted living with a trust set up for her care and an independent trustee, and go back home.
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Your mother has investments. Instead of worrying about who she will leave them to, she should be using them to pay for her own care now. You NEED respite care in order to continue to care for her properly. It is not an indulgent luxury. Saying she can't afford her own care is like saying she can't afford food. She has assets. She should not go without care to supplement what you provide any more than she should go without food.

My heart goes out to those who truly can't afford help, but usually they then qualify for some assistance. But people who are saving their assets to give to kids who aren't helping? Sorry, I'm a whole lot less sympathetic then.
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I want to walk away but know I can't at this point. I have been looking for options for respite but the only affordable one is during business hours when my husband is working. Mom doesn't qualify for any help but at the same time can't afford some of the costs of bringing someone in. We tried my mother-in-law who is ten years younger but she created more problems.
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"I would have walked away from this last July if I had known what I do now."

Since you do know what you know now, why not start arranging to walk away? Or at least on setting boundaries with your siblings and arranging for more respite for you and your husband? If you can't trust your siblings in the house when you are not there, hire a companion to sit with Mom so you can go out on a regular basis.

This situation is not working for you. You need to make some changes. I hope it doesn't have to be as drastic as walking completely away, but do what you have to do.
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My mom is 84 and I just am hanging on from day to day wondering when it will end. When will I get my life back? Then I feel guilty for thinking that. It makes me feel absolutely horrible.

Mom requires my help bathing, uses a walker, has issues swallowing so needs supervision eating, requires totalling separate foods from what my husband and I eat.
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I am trying to deal with the stress and guilt I feel over all this. This is a seriously condensed version of our life since July of 2012. I feel like I'm close to giving up. The reality of having only my husband daughter and son in my family is depressing me. I feel like my mom, sister, and brother died with my dad. My in-laws are great and a huge family but if something happened to my husband I would be on the outside with only my kids. I've seen it happen with friends whose spouses died. I find myself crying a lot and unable to function. I internalize these things and don't talk about them. I feel my heart hardening and I just am having a hard time especially when I see my husband not able to handle things he normally was awesome at. I feel my life is controlled by outside forces that are bent on destroying it.
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My mom ended up going to a completely separate lawyer and made the changes she wanted but it cost her almost $1000 more because of what my sister did. She was determined to do it though so we just backed off and let her.

We also had to force my drug addict nephew to get a job and move out. Took six months and ended up causing a demotion for my husband because of the things this kid his brother and the kids mom did. We were on track for retirement next year and now it's pushed years down the road because of my family and my husband's job is hundreds of miles away from where our own home is. I'm at the point that I don't want a relationship with my family after my mom is gone but I'm trying to keep her happy by playing nice with my siblings even though I know they are scamming her.

At this point I am grateful for a husband who stands by my side but I see the stress it's causing him and I just don't know how much more I can take of watching them hurt him. I just want to go home but feel I can't because it would leave my mom vulnerable to them and my husband's job is now here.

I sit wondering if I should take the few hours my sister has offered to be here Saturday while my brother works on her car and go do something knowing that I will come back and spend the next week searching for things mom suddenly says are missing. I frankly could care less about the possessions except that they are precious to mom.
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Sorry to post these in separate bits but it's a long story and can only sit for so long and type it.
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I know mom won't change because she's an enabler. My sister and brother had a meeting with my mom under the guise of my brother taking mom out to lunch. Then my sister called mom's lawyer and said we were holding her under duress. This was right after we had put conditions on my family getting money from mom. Mom had decided to change her will to give us the house and 1/3 of her investments. We told her no but since my husband's job was moved near here permanently that it would be nice to know we had a place to live we did not want anything more than that. We pay our own way here and have bills of our own so I manage mom's finances with dpoa and pay her bills. She pays all the bills she normally paid before we got here plus a portion of gas and pays back anything I purchase for her.
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