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My husband has Alzheimer's and has been 6 months in LTC. He has a girlfriend and they sit and hold hands. It didn't bother me too much at the beginning ( 2 months ago). He was happy and it must have been comforting to have a friend. It really upset his daughter. Now this woman is becoming very possessive when I am around. She comes over to where we are sitting and there is a lot of kissing going on. I was there on the weekend and she came over and I said in a loud voice " NO KISSING!". My stepdaughter, who was with me said to her "do you know who she is?" This woman went up like a firecracker, yelling and swearing at me. The nurses shuffled her off to her room. What do I do about the situation? Should I insist no kissing in front of me? The nurses said if I am around they would take her off somewhere.

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It bothers you so I would absolutely ask that she is not present when you visit. Yeah, I get that her brain is broken but that doesn't mean that it's okay for her to curse you out. That's crazy! You have a right to be respected. Tell them when you are visiting and explicitly say that you don't want her anywhere near you and your husband while you are visiting YOUR husband. She should not have the ability to be with him anytime she pleases.

Your grieving for the loss of your husband has already begun but there is no need to have your nose rubbed in it by this woman. It isn't even about harming her. It's not anything personal against her. It's not about jealousy or any of that stuff. It's about protecting yourself. There was a time that I always put everyone before myself. I cared so much for other's feelings that I neglected my own well being. It took me a long time to learn to protect myself and learn that I had equal value.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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You are well within your rights to tell the staff to keep the woman away when you are visiting your husband. I think it’s great that you are ok with him having a girlfriend but you don’t have to put up with her behavior when you are present. If the kissing bothers you then by all means say something!
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Reply to worriedinCali
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You're not going to be able to get through to this girlfriend no matter how hard you try, so there's no point. I guess you should give the nurses a heads' up that you'll be visiting and to get this woman into her room for the duration.

I'm so sorry you're going through such a thing, on all levels. The disease is brutal enough, and then to have to put up with 'another woman' is a bit much, really. But if she brings him comfort, that's the real benefit, right?

Sending you a hug and a prayer that everything works out.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Jo123456 Feb 18, 2020
I would NOT visit nor encourage my children to visit and have to watch such behavior.
And what of our young grandchildren. What would I be teaching them?
Friends is one thing. Encouraging “liasons” is another.
She is not comforting him.. She is taking advantage of his weakness and however much she or he does not understand, it is ABUSE and the nursing home should be held liable.
Where is JCAHO and the ombudsman ?
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I’m a little appalled that the facility hasn’t handled this a little more firmly than they have. It sounds as though balababe’s DH is functioning as his “friend”’s Activities Coordinator, and that’s a no-no in my opinion.
When this occurred in my mom’s residence the contact was terminated, and since the floor my mother was on had many units and gathering sites, it was possible to keep people separate, and THAT THEY DID!
No problem for my mom, who often talked about her second husband (who didn’t exist) and was in no hurry for her third.
balababe, you do what will make YOU comfortable. Be pleasant but firm. Let the staff handle it because that’s what they’re paid to do Or SHOULD do.
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MJ1929 Feb 19, 2020
Yes, my mother also has an invisible second husband. I'm glad he's not real, but he was tough to take when he appeared a week before my father died.

He makes her feel safe, though. My father was her protector for 66 years, so when he became the one to go first, she was lost without him. Dan the Invisible Man brings her comfort, so now we go along with it.
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I've seen "couples" in the AL I visit at, but never thought that any of them might be married to someone else... what an eye opener!
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Reply to mally1
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Yes, when you are around she should not be there. I had this situation happen to a friend of my aunt. She was very comforted. He thought she was his wife. To be frank you have already lost your husband unless he does understand who you are when you visit. Use the need to go there less frequently to begin to build a new life.
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FloridaDD Feb 17, 2020
And are his kids supposed to watch this?  I don't think this is the right answer.
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I am sure this has to be horrible for you and his daughter.  If you could just step outside of the grief and jealousy for a moment to remember that both your husband and this other woman are not in their right mind.  There was a movie about this very thing.  I think the name of it was "Away from Her".  The husband had to place his wife with dementia in a facility and she took up with another man.    She did not remember her husband and had no desire to spend time with him, so he would just show up and watch her sitting at another table with this man.  It was truly sad.  Dementia is horrible for a number of reasons and I am so sorry you are dealing with this.  I hope you are able to step back and just let him have this female companion during this horrible time in both your lives.  He truly doesn't know what he is going and you must know he is not the same person.
Im sorry.
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FloridaDD Feb 19, 2020
If you would read all the follow ups, OP has been more than understanding and she understands this. All she wants is the staff to move the woman away during her visits. You are being unnecessarily cruel to OP.
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Take them up on their offer and let them know that you are there so they can remove her before she blows.

I am sorry that you are going through this. My grandmother had a husband in her NH and my grandfather was not okay at all, he didn't understand it was her broken brain. It did provide her comfort while it lasted, less than a year if memory serves me correctly.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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balababe Feb 16, 2020
Thank you for your reply. It really helps to share my concerns
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Bless your heart! You are a kind and compassionate woman. But yes, knowing it and seeing it is two
different things - ask that the other woman be else where when you visit.

I am curious... if you don’t mind me asking - what does your husband make of this? Having a wife and a girlfriend in the same room - does he still have the ability to understand the awkwardness of it all?

If you’d rather not say more about it - I totally understand.
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Reply to Rainmom
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balababe Feb 16, 2020
My husband doesn't really realize what is going on and looked very surprised when I said " no kissing". I guess he thought it was OK because they had been kissing before in front of me. I try to take him to a sitting room for our visits . Once this woman came in and made herself at home. The nurse hustled her out. If I can keep her away I have very nice visits. The one time she came into the sitting room and then left he didn't know who she was. Very enlightening.
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Omg, is there anything off limits in dementia? Bala I commend you on your attitude and tolerance, and I'm sorry your step-daughter got upset. That would be hard to watch.

For both your sake tell the staff when you plan to visit so they can keep the woman from intruding.

I was glad to read you are now enjoying life on your own. Wishing you all the best.
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