What to do about my husband's girlfriend in LTC?

Take them up on their offer and let them know that you are there so they can remove her before she blows.

I am sorry that you are going through this. My grandmother had a husband in her NH and my grandfather was not okay at all, he didn't understand it was her broken brain. It did provide her comfort while it lasted, less than a year if memory serves me correctly.

You're not going to be able to get through to this girlfriend no matter how hard you try, so there's no point. I guess you should give the nurses a heads' up that you'll be visiting and to get this woman into her room for the duration.

I'm so sorry you're going through such a thing, on all levels. The disease is brutal enough, and then to have to put up with 'another woman' is a bit much, really. But if she brings him comfort, that's the real benefit, right?

Sending you a hug and a prayer that everything works out.

You are well within your rights to tell the staff to keep the woman away when you are visiting your husband. I think it’s great that you are ok with him having a girlfriend but you don’t have to put up with her behavior when you are present. If the kissing bothers you then by all means say something!

This is not unusual. My GFs father was in MC. I took her Mom to visit and found a woman kissing him. GFs mother walked out crying. Yes, she understood this happens but its still hard to see. My daughter worked NHs. She said there was a couple unmarried. Both had living spouses who visited. She said you didn't even try to separate them. They thought they were married. They even shared a room.

Its part of the disease. That woman thinks your husband is her BF or even husband. Just ask the nurses to take her someplace else.

I've seen "couples" in the AL I visit at, but never thought that any of them might be married to someone else... what an eye opener!

Bless your heart! You are a kind and compassionate woman. But yes, knowing it and seeing it is two
different things - ask that the other woman be else where when you visit.

I am curious... if you don’t mind me asking - what does your husband make of this? Having a wife and a girlfriend in the same room - does he still have the ability to understand the awkwardness of it all?

If you’d rather not say more about it - I totally understand.

Maybe it's time for you to begin dating.

I am so sorry.  if your DH has Alzheimers, unlikely you can get a divorce.   Tell the nurses you are being abused and the woman is preventing you from visiting your DH.

Have you seen the movie Away from Her. It's about this very topic. If you can find it I strongly recommend watching it. In this movie it was the mans wife who met someone in the LTC.

I admire your strength and commitment to the relationship. Good for you!

Yes, when you are around she should not be there. I had this situation happen to a friend of my aunt. She was very comforted. He thought she was his wife. To be frank you have already lost your husband unless he does understand who you are when you visit. Use the need to go there less frequently to begin to build a new life.

It bothers you so I would absolutely ask that she is not present when you visit. Yeah, I get that her brain is broken but that doesn't mean that it's okay for her to curse you out. That's crazy! You have a right to be respected. Tell them when you are visiting and explicitly say that you don't want her anywhere near you and your husband while you are visiting YOUR husband. She should not have the ability to be with him anytime she pleases.

Your grieving for the loss of your husband has already begun but there is no need to have your nose rubbed in it by this woman. It isn't even about harming her. It's not anything personal against her. It's not about jealousy or any of that stuff. It's about protecting yourself. There was a time that I always put everyone before myself. I cared so much for other's feelings that I neglected my own well being. It took me a long time to learn to protect myself and learn that I had equal value.

You are right to let the nurses handle it, and take her off somewhere.

Still, sorry that you are enduring this drastic change in your relationship with your husband due to dementia behaviors.
Acceptance and understanding go a long way, and you are a very generous person to be able to cope.

It cannot be denied there will be hurt there. And strange feelings.

I can also imagine that while your husband may feel comforted to have a friend, it would present quite the confusion for him if he had a moment of more clarity, like you said, when he did not know her.

I do not understand not being able to divorce when one spouse is not competent to be in a relationship any longer. Is this a real thing? Anyone know?

I’m a little appalled that the facility hasn’t handled this a little more firmly than they have. It sounds as though balababe’s DH is functioning as his “friend”’s Activities Coordinator, and that’s a no-no in my opinion.
When this occurred in my mom’s residence the contact was terminated, and since the floor my mother was on had many units and gathering sites, it was possible to keep people separate, and THAT THEY DID!
No problem for my mom, who often talked about her second husband (who didn’t exist) and was in no hurry for her third.
balababe, you do what will make YOU comfortable. Be pleasant but firm. Let the staff handle it because that’s what they’re paid to do Or SHOULD do.

They “condone” physical contact like kissing ?
I have never seen that in LTC or other institutions.
I understood that it was a psychiatric issue that could get you sent out.

I am sure this has to be horrible for you and his daughter.  If you could just step outside of the grief and jealousy for a moment to remember that both your husband and this other woman are not in their right mind.  There was a movie about this very thing.  I think the name of it was "Away from Her".  The husband had to place his wife with dementia in a facility and she took up with another man.    She did not remember her husband and had no desire to spend time with him, so he would just show up and watch her sitting at another table with this man.  It was truly sad.  Dementia is horrible for a number of reasons and I am so sorry you are dealing with this.  I hope you are able to step back and just let him have this female companion during this horrible time in both your lives.  He truly doesn't know what he is going and you must know he is not the same person.
Im sorry.

Omg, is there anything off limits in dementia? Bala I commend you on your attitude and tolerance, and I'm sorry your step-daughter got upset. That would be hard to watch.

For both your sake tell the staff when you plan to visit so they can keep the woman from intruding.

I was glad to read you are now enjoying life on your own. Wishing you all the best.

Hard as it maybe to realize, you are married on paper only. Your husband now has a different life than yours. How can you deny him happiness and companionship at this stage of the game?
If it hurts so bad, call ahead to let them know when you'll be arriving so they can place her somewhere else. Same way with his children. For you to yell NO KISSING! Only upsets them and those around them. THAT is your jealousy talking. For heavens sake you need to start letting go. If she brings him happiness let it be. Step back and until you put yourself into the frame of mind that his brain is broken and probably thinks that other woman is you, I suggest you not visit.

I am not sure I could be as kind and understanding as you are. You are admirable!
Luckily for me, my mom is the one with dementia and her memory care facility separates the men from the women.
If at some point you could no longer tolerate this situation, perhaps you might be able to find a similar facility .

Seems your hubby has forgotten he is married. He remembers that he has a relationship with you … but probably not sure what it is. You can insist that the girlfriend not be near him when you visit. If he is happy, it is probably best to tolerate it... or look for another facility.

Tell the nurses that this woman is to be kept away from your husband. State that you prefer that his interactions with other residents be monitored a little more carefully, especially women. You never can be sure about other residents and their families motives. I get that dementia does strange things but there should be limits.

Google Chief Justice Sandra Day O’Connor’s husband.
It was her husband who the movie mentioned was based on.
She and her sons were happy that their husband/father was happy in his new circumstances.

This woman - the girlfriend - is to be kept away from the husband. Good grief.

Does your husband know who you are? If no, in his mind he may be single. If him having a handholder in the facility does not bother you because you see he is happier being part of couple in his mind - then it's just a situation with dementia you have accepted. His being happy in his current state of mind is ok with you, so you can explain it this way to his daughter.
I would ask nurses to get her to another area of facility when you or daughter visit to avoid the things that bother you or her. Let them know when you arrive and ask that they remove friend girl before you go back to visit.
I applaud you if you have reconciled to just wanting him to be in a happy place if he no longer remembers who you are. The majority would probably continue to fight and reason with a broken mind. Do whatever makes both of you happy. ---Don't help them plan the wedding, though! LOL!

The nurses should take her off somewhere when you around, and when you step in that place, let it be known, you do not want to see that woman, but do not make a scene. Your hubby is confused and is finding some kind of connection... Boys...

Anyway that should help the immediate situation when you are there. When you are not.. may be a different issue.
You could try placing him somewhere else, but that is a lot of trouble./
Does he know who you are? Perhaps he thinks this woman is you? Or was he always a flirt?
I would never say it not hurting anyone. It's hurting you, and that is important.
The the staff: KEEP THEM SEPARATED

I think the nurses have the right idea. Their patient (girlfriend) becomes possessive and agitated when you're around, so they plan to make sure she doesn't encounter you. Avoiding agitation should also avoid triggering these public demonstrations of affection, and your husband can benefit from having a friend without being subjected to conflict or uninvited physical contact.

If there are slip-ups and the lady - "lady"! - is with your husband when you visit, leave the room discreetly, go to the staff and ask them to divert her elsewhere. Then resume your visit. Don't confront her.

How's her daughter feeling about this now? It might be nice to have an ally in this challenging situation - I should compare notes with her if I were you. You both just want your loved ones to be safe and feel secure.

I cannot believe the OP wouldn't be mad as a hornet when she sees her husband kissing another lady! What is wrong with that scenario?!?! I'm with ya, Worried and Need.

Worried: I know. right!

I am an admirer of Justice Sandra Day O’Conner. Her husband was in a similar situation and eventually wanted the company of the “girlfriend”. Read up on how she and their sons handled the situation. It may help to know you are not alone in this.

How do you think your husband really feels about this woman? If he is vulnerable and this woman has just decided she's taking him, that's assault. The home should not be letting that happen. Imagine if it was your mother and some man was kissing her and fondling her when she was not in her right mind. Hand holding is maybe harmless but what else is happening when you're not around. I agree that you shouldn't try to reason with a broken brain, but you also shouldn't let someone take advantage of him. I don't know I haven't been in your shoes but my first thought is maybe he doesn't have the capacity to tell her no. If not, then she's assaulting him. If he's seeking her out, I dunno. I wish you luck.