What is going to hit me from left field as I consider moving my 92-year-old mother into my home?

So I am wondering why your mother would not qualify for Medicaid? Does she have assets? A home that needs to be sold?
your mom is 92, does she not qualify because of her health is good? That when they do the Medicaid screen but she doesn’t pass that?

Do you want to know what could come at you from left field, it doesn’t get easier, .. it gets harder.

I would guess if I had placed my mother with me, and then want to move her to an assisted living or memory care, it would be very difficult. She wouldn’t want to make the move. She is in memory care now and asked to move in with me. There’s no way I could take care of her.

This will be a life-changing decision for you. You can happy-talk it, sugar coat it and say it is God’s will all you want, but at the end of the day, it will be you and her battling her infirmities, the healthcare system, and government red tape just to carve out a reasonable existence. Understand that Medicare DOES NOT pay for any kind of home care aide type help - nor does it pay for assisted or skilled nursing home care. That kind of help is paid by her or your own private funds or by Medicaid if she has no funds and qualifies. Unless she has a long term care insurance plan (LTC), which most people don’t, there is no financial help available except Medicaid when it comes to paying for a facility to take care of her needs if she a) has no money and b) qualifies.

Medicare pays for hospitalization and certain other medical expenses. Medicare will pay for home health care follow up by a nurse and/or physical therapy only if deemed medically necessary and ordered by her doctor. Even so, it is for a limited time period and is certainly not every day or for several hours. It is not daily home care. It is medical care - not home assistance.

I am skeptical as to why your sibling is telling you that your LO would not qualify for Medicaid. You say she only has her social security which suggests she has few if any other financial assets/resources. If that is the case, why would she not qualify? If she does have assets, she will have to use that money first. I suggest you get the true picture of what she is eligible for by speaking with your state agency that helps with senior affairs and by reading the Medicare handbook for 2022.

This is a huge undertaking on your part and it sounds like you will have very little help if any. Think long and hard. There may be a better solution.

The first thing I would do is check with someone other than your sister about why mom does not qualify to Medicaid.. if she has too many assets to qualify, maybe it should be spent to keep her safe and cared for 24/7. I am caretaker for a man I have shared my life for over 30 years . The last 4 years brought me to Alzheimer’s association for the sake of sanity. Watching a loved one slip away on a daily basis hurts like the devil . It never gets better , it gets worse. I would not be able to work. There are very few things he can do for himself . He can feed himself but not prepare anything to eat . He can still get to the bathroom with minor issues at the time BUT, I don’t know for how long . Walking for him is an issue , sleep is more difficult . I have an ear open at night in case he falls . Dr appointments are very difficult. Getting him into a
the shower is always a bone of contention. Think twice, if she is having memory and cognitive issues. Take the time to investigate everything the Alzheimer’s association offers. My prayers are with you .

also, doctors appointments several times a week! Expect to spend a minimum of 4 hrs. - getting her up and ready and loaded into the car and driven to the appointment, waiting to see the doctor, the actual appointment, and the trip home. 4 hrs minimum. Every time she goes, the doctor will likely do no more than take her temperature and blood pressure and ask how she’s doing and then tell her to come back in a few weeks.

So, if it is absolutely NOT feasible to put her into assisted and there is NO choice but moving her in with you, here are a few things to expect.

1. Falls. If she is mobile, she is going to fall. If she uses a walker, expect her to step away from it from time to time and that will be when she falls. Expect it. ACCEPT that you CANNOT prevent her from falling unless you are sitting and staring at her 24/7 and are within a few inches of her to catch her whenever she falls.

2. Stubborness - refusal to shower, use a walker, take meds, etc.

3. Increasing dependence on you for everything and demands of your time and attention.

4. Complaining. It's what elderly people do.

5. Accusations of you stealing from her - that's what they do when they've misplaced something.

6. Absolute FRUSTRATION in dealing with Social Security, Medicare and insurance. Mountains of statements and bills that make no sense. People unwilling to talk to you due to HIPAA, even if the information you seek does not even fall under those laws.

7. Unhelpful relatives offering unsolicited advice, yet zero hands-on help.

Because so many have responded so wisely, I'll just say this: do everything you can to avoid having her live with you. It's incredibly relationship-damaging in my experience, and our elders really don't feel happy when they have to rely on us. What they want is a healthy, younger, independent life. The second best choice is to put them somewhere where you can visit, be the fun daughter, enjoy her, but not have the overwhelm of daily care and her daily guilt for imposing upon you, if not now then in a few years. Sending you much love as you make this challenging decision.

Make an appointment with your state Medicaid office and meet with the case worker assigned to you. This can be a lengthy process. Every state has it's own program so don’t be in a hurry to move your Mom to a new state until you find out if she qualifies in your state.

From my research I found that Medicaid will help pay for home and nursing home care for people who have no financial resources. In Ohio it does not cover Assisted Living fees or Memory Care that is part of a AL facility. Some AL facilities will accept Medicaid for a resident who has lived there at least 2 years but they may be moved to a smaller or shared room. Remember, most of these facilities are For Profit not charities.

Your mom will have to be assessed by a Medicaid representative to determine what kind of limitations she might have. She might be qualified to have in-home care. In that case you will have to work with agencies that are approved by Medicaid which may limit your choices.

If your dad or mom was in the military during a wartime she may be eligible for a VA pension called Aid and Attendance. Mom got $1250 a month from Dad's service even though he did not qualify for a regular VA pension. It's for those with limited resources and there is a lot of paperwork involved but well worth it.

You also should get appointed your Mom's POA and Medical POA. EVERYONE you deal with will want a copy of that document and you will not be able to do much without it. Not even verbal approval from your Mom is adequate in most situations. It's a pain but good to know the protections are in place for the elderly.

Sibling who knows about Medicaid qualification is probably hoping that the OP will take Mom into her home so that sibling can enjoy an "inheritance" when Mom passes.
Unless your last name is Dupont or you are related to the current King of Bahrain, the word " inheritance" needs to be eliminated from your vocabulary. Mom's money is to be used for her living expenses, not for kick back to her kids. OP definitely needs to get in touch with an elder care attorney specializing in Medicaid. You can one on their website: https://nelf.org.

Good Luck!

KayCee111: Best of luck in having your mother reside in your home.

Start by getting a true picture of your mom's finances. She might qualify for Medicaid or other government aid- but you won't know until you are sure of how much she has and the rules for the state she will live in (yours versus where she already lives). Get that nailed down pronto.

Then, expect she will need to have somebody with her for the majority of the daytime - when she is awake - and when you are not with her. That is why she needs assisted living and not independent living. You will need somebody to be with her - at the very least - while you are at work. Check with home health agencies, A Place for Mom, skilled nursing facilities for day programs, and independently run adult day programs. Get those prices now and see how much you will have to pay out of your pocket.

Expect it to take longer to do everything. She will move slower and need more time or every task she does. It will take longer to get out of the house together. It will take longer to shop together. Doctor's visits will take longer. It might help to do a few dry runs of a couple of these types of "outings" before you need to work them around your work schedule.

Hello Pike....
Its not an easy one way to figure out. Taking on your mother's last days on earth is a huge commitment.
My mother passed away Three years ago to old age. She was 94 years old when she passed. It was and is a honor to have taken care of my mother. Caring for her was not always easy. The only Advice I can give you is if she needs to assign you as her Power of Health and Attorney. Then you can go back to Medicare and apply for you to be her Caregiver at your residence. They will assign a Caseworker so can talk to them about Program s that will assist you For In Home Care.
It is worth looking into to, Every State is different but it is available to you and your mother. Department of Human Resources can assist you. It's a little bit of research on your part but you can do it!
My heart and prayers go out to you and your Family.
Antonieta

Cost. Consider checking options in other countries especially Mexico. There are fine expatriate communities in Mexico with very good facilities. If you are able take a trip and check out the options.

Here are some of my "surprising" experiences:
1. During my Mom's lifetime, she didn't like senior centers because all people did was complain about their children, grandchildren and everyday life. She ended up going to a senior center during the day. She complained about the programs, the food, the people. After about 9 months on the second day-time care program, she complained that she was bored. That is when I started looking for long term care outside the home.
2. She is a victim of past experiences. When it came time to place her somewhere, she rejected everywhere that could give her personalized care (the smaller homes) because it wasn't like "home". I finally just placed her with the help of my siblings. The first day she was there was the day we moved her in. She was mad.
3. Her desire to eat is a lot more than me. She wanted 3 full meals plus snacks every day. She wanted me to join her and eat. (My brother died from complications from obesity,) She was constantly walking from her bedroom to the kitchen, opening up the fridge, messing in the pantry, trying to see what was on shelves that were out of her reach, etc. She would call out for people to help her. She didn't necessarily want to eat anything.
4. She didn't want to talk to people who called her up. She said they were being needy. Yet she criticized others for not keeping in touch with her. She said that all of her friends were dead (and 99% were).
5. She could no longer hold the phone to her ear. She could no longer stay focused enough for FaceTime. We could not do telehealth during COVID. She couldn't necessarily understand the voice if she used the telephone or Facetime. Therefore, we had to be present, helping her with the electronics at every call.
6. At first, she used to watch television a reasonable amount. However, all the time sitting created reoccurring back aches. She refused the options the doctor suggested because it was too uncomfortable for her. She couldn't figure out how to change the channel on the cable TV. Too many steps on the remote.
7. She got to the point where she couldn't watch TV. At first, we switched the TV to close captioned, however, eventually she couldn't read fast enough.
8. When we went to a restaurant, she was ready to go as soon as she finished eating. She would barge in on the table conversation "Is it time to leave yet?" This was partly due to the hearing aid situation.
9. She refused to wear both hearing aids because she claimed she didn't need both of them, even though she admitted she heard better. Then she would ask people to restate what they said and accuse people of not asking her to join them. She was required to wear both hearing aids when she went to senior day care. After a month, she lost one of them. It was too expensive to replace, especially given the fact that she didn't want to wear it anyway.
10. You can hire caregivers to help you. However, the quality varies a lot. Some are just plain mean (yelling and "do it my way") and some will not initiate activities unless you have it laid out in advance.
11. My Mom would "hide" money so that it wasn't easily accessible. However, while the caregiver was around, my Mom would instruct the caregiver to check to see if the money was there. My Mom would also say that it was okay if the caregiver did something, then be completely innocent when we found out that a "rule" was breached.
12. Vetting out care givers is an exhausting, on-going task. In addition, there is the cost of your time of getting the caregiver acquainted to your Mom, ensuring the values of the caregiver and your household are aligned, and securing your house of its valuables. If your Mom has different values than you, that is even more problematic as your Mom now has an able-bodied accomplice.
13. Personal care like toileting, bathing and brushing teeth. Use of soap, towels and paper goods...it's like the first days of a marriage.
14. Personal loss of self-esteem

Your doing the right thing. Our parents took care of use so it’s great ur able to take care of her. You will be Blessed. Things will work out.

You experience may not be like your brother and sister. Maybe this is Gods plan for her to be with you. Just give her lots of love and conversations. If and when possible go on outings sometimes. Try to find some friends she can hat with. Like adult daycare or any senior programs in the area. Most of all ask God to assist you in prayer and guidance. Make sure mom is eating plant base foods, smoothies and drinking lots of water. Get blood tests , test her gut bacteria. Go to websites of my 2 favorite doctors . Dr. Michael Klaper and Dr. Neal Barnard and most of all Dr. Charles F. Stanley intouch. Org. God Bless You and your love ones.

Two suggestions to consider

1. Verify your mom's Medicaid eligibility.
2. Imagine having an oversized toddler living with you.

I have not read what others have said. This is from my experience. My Mother In Law lived with us for 5 years. Unless your mom is on hospice or has a Medicare Advantage plan that does cover some home care. Medicare will not cover anything unless a doctor subscribes in home Rehab and nursing care, and this needs to be medically necessary. Original Medicare does not cover normal home care. We found we were able to bring in care while we worked using my Mother In Laws retirement income and social security. If your mom only has social security and no other retirement and needs someone with her all the time, her social security may not cover the expenses of in home care. Where I live depending on who you call. It runs $27-$30 an hour. Over night $450-$600. Wishing you the best

Please do not hesitate any longer. She will not be around much longer. However, you must decide based on your own best judgment. We simply cannot predict the future.

Because many of the responders posted about Medicaid, people need to know that in most states Medicaid qualification requires 2 things: meeting a financial criteria and also a medical one. Many states' Medicaid programs only cover LTC and must be confirmed/recommended by the physician. A rare few states will cover AL and MC (I think Michigan does), but not many, and I don't think 100% of the cost. The OP will need to check with their home state.

i think it's very kind of you OP to want to live with your mother. at the same time, it's good to be aware of all the warnings. you OP know best, what's the right decision. hug!!

You are a wonderful daughter! God Bless You! But, there is very likely financial care out there if you need it too. I would check into Medicaid. I don't see why she would not be eligible. Also, we have a program here called IRIS. It is wonderful. They offer financial assistance for the things she needs that are not covered by her insurance. They will also pay for health care givers to come into her home. That includes family. You could be her health care giver as well. You can be a live in care giver or just come to her home to help out.

If you do not have IRIS check into what is available in your state. That is the best program here because they allow the person receiving the care to be in charge. They are treated like a human being and their wishes are what comes first. I wish you and your mother all the best!!! God Bless you both!

Your last question is “what is coming down the pike?” If you move her in? RESENTMENT, RESENTMENT, RESENTMENT. I did not want to resent my mom at the end of her life. I am POA and prayed and prayed for God’s guidance through this process. I too had the guilt feelings of “but she cared for me and even helped me with my boys during my divorce.” I sought advice from a dear friend who went through placing his mom a short time before me. He helped me to see that placing her in a home WAS providing for her…24/7 care, meals, baths, and any one could visit her (sibling rivalry). We (my husband and I pay the difference that her SS doesn’t cover) her other 6 adult children no longer help us bc there were rules to follow. If you are POA prepare for a fight with your siblings, who are quick to criticize but fall way short of taking over her care. (At this point I could write a book!) Also, mom wasn’t happy nor safe in her own home. (I have also learned that some people are happy being miserable) She has adjusted somewhat but best part? Honestly? I get to go home to peace of mind. It’s like not allowing a two year old to get their way bc they throw a tantrum. My mom is now on Hospice so check into that too bc they pick up costs of things like adult diapers and liquid supplements.
Good luck and my prayers to you.
🙏🏽🙏🏽

If mom has nothing, doesn't that make her eligible for Medicaid? Please do your own research. Call "A Place For Mom" and ask them to refer you to assisted living care that accepts Medicaid and will introduce you to their social worker who can apply for Medicaid.

Hopefully, you'll find a place where they can offer programs and activities to include her in. Isolation is a big detriment; many families choose to "forget" their elders, so care facilities can offer activities and friendships for the taking. Perhaps Mom can try them out on respite care?????

Hi KayCee111,

You are about to step into the unknown. You are a very unselfish, loving daughter who cares & loves her parent. But if you take her in your life will change drastically! Not for the good. I am doing it now. It’s the most stressful thing I could of ever done. You will stay tired. Have zero time for yourself. Your brain will never turn off because you will always have to figure out solutions for her and work. If you have a significant other you will have no energy or time for that. Plus, that doesn’t included whatever her health issues are. I love my Dad to pieces, but its too much for me as I am disabled but working as SSI isn’t enough to live on. I have zero support from 5 siblings, no relief other than now he goes to daycare which he complains daily about. He now has home health that come once he’s out of daycare until I arrive home. If you want a life don’t bring her to live with you as everyone else has said let the insurance run out to place her on Medicaid. Do what you can beforehand as Medicaid is a process. Caring for a loved one is no joke! Some days, I feel like I am merely existing and not living. I get up do for him, get him out the door lay back down for 2 hrs if I don't have to be on the phone handling things for him or myself which rare for myself. I go to work return to do things for him and by the time I can lay down its late to get up to do it again. It’s a non-stop job. All the while he complains he's not a child. He can do what he wants. When in actuality he is somewhat a child. His memory goes in and out. If I make it through this. I hope to be able to share my experiences to help someone else.
Best of Luck & prayers as you will need it.

I did not read all of the comments, but enough of them to realize you are getting the same of advice from those of us who have made the mistake of moving an elderly, needy person into your home. For me it was a short period of time and it was a nightmare. It will never happen again. It will not work the way you hope it will.
Read the post from BurntCaregiver, then read it again, and again until you realize you will lose any sense of normal life. It will be swallowed up in her increasing needs. AND...DO NOT take the word of the sibling who says she does not qualify for Medicaid, find out for yourself if it's true. Maybe it's just that the AL she is in does not take Medicaid, you just need all the facts, and not from an unhelpful sibling.

If there is any way that your mom can stay where she is, it is best to not change her situation at her age, unless she is being ignored or abused in some way, or needs more care than is possible at assisted living. All of the advice so far is great. There is just no telling what will happen in the future with her health, memory issues, contentment, etc. You are being wonderful to step in to help handle the situation, but the only thing I didn't see so far being discussed is the relationship with your sisters. If one of them has been handling things so far, with POA, will she be resentful of your input or will she welcome the help? Perhaps you don't know yet. Why is this sister not visiting your mom now? The Medicaid question needs to be clear. It's a little hard to not be suspicious about the annuities not being used for her care so she can eventually qualify for Medicaid. When and if she qualifies, will the assisted living facility accept it or will she need to move to another facility? There are just so many unanswered questions, so you need to have all information in order to help and if it is not freely given, then you might not have any way to be of assistance. Do know as much as you can about the laws and regulations for everything involving your mom before making suggestions. She's already in a facility and I wouldn't think taking her home would work for her or you according to what you've told us so far.

KayCee,

Don't rely on what your sibling says about Medicaid coverage. Talk to them yourselves.
I've never heard of Medicaid paying for an assisted living facility. They do pay for nursing homes and LTC though.
Medicare will not pay for your mother to have the number of caregiving hours she will need. They will not pay for someone to stay with her while you're away at work nine hours a day or more.
Your mother was in AL for a reason. Don't move her into your house. Please think it over a little more.
Here is what you most likely have coming if mom moves in.

-Quitting your job. Maybe right now can be left alone for short periods of time like length of a tv program. That will change fast once she's with you. You're her child so expect to become a nanny-slave to her every need and demand. Hopefully she has enough income to cover adult day care or full-time aides because Medicare only pays for a few hours of homecare a week, and they don't pay for daycare.
-No respite and no privacy. As mom grows more needy and demanding her feelings of being restricted and forgotten will grow a hundred times worse because you're her child. She will expect you to be by her side 24hours a day. Then resent you if you're not cheerful and smiling every moment. Don't expect any sibling help either. No helping to pay for homecare aides and no taking mom for a few days to give you a break.
-You may also get some attention-seeking behavior too. I'm not saying it's guaranteed, but I am saying it's very common. Elderly people can get very demanding and selfish if they're not the center of attention or the top priority in someone's life. So keep an eye out for things like fabricated health crises and even some staged "falls" to get attention.
-Be prepared to take on the role of scapegoat too. Not guaranteed, but very common. When mom misplaces something which she may have had fifty years ago or not at all, you stole it. You threw it away. You're taking her money. You're abusing her. You're starving her.
Be prepared for all of this.
I've been in homecare for almost 25 years and I will be honest with you. I have seen many families ruined and marriages broken up because a needy, elderly parent moves in.
A parent living with adult children can work out if the parents or parent start off independent and can contribute to the household and family. Like helping with childcare or doing chores. That's different than when you move them in because they're needy and elderly.
-Be prepared to no longer have a parent/adult child relationship. This happens often when a person has to become a caregiver to a parent. You stop being a son or daughter and become an employee to them.
Please think it over more. Medicaid will pay for LTC or memory care. Please explore these options before you decide anything.

A lot of good advice here!! Best immediate decision is DON'T DO IT! That's not being said to mean or anything but realize that as someone else stated - it's like having (for me) a large, loud, verbal infant. Yes my mother cared for me as a baby, toddler etc. But lifting and changing a 200+ lb. human was never required!! If she is in your home it is a 24/7 responsibility!!! No time off- no job allowed. I was able to get Medicaid for my mother ( who is NOT poor) and still...it is torture. She is immobile, non-weight bearing and incontinent. Hospital bed, hoyer lift etc is necessary. If not now.....it soon will. My mother was 223 lbs. at 5' 2" when she stopped caring for herself. She lives in her own home with 24/7 care and still I am challenged daily! Did the HHA show up? Is she getting her meds? What about groceries? Mom's complaint that HHA's don't know how to cook. Why am I not there full time? She wants me to move in to her home to live, cook, and clean for her since she did that for me as a child. Again....I was not a 223lb. incontinent child that was verbally aggressive and abusive. You have limits - we all do. I have no life as it is and she is NOT in my home. My children bare the brunt of her care since I am out of state. When in state - I can't see friends or family because she is "more important". People can't come into her home unless they visit with her! So - if I want to see someone we have to meet in the yard! I'm 68 and I'm dealing with this while my husband deals with his mother as well. We have no life PERIOD!! If she was in my home there would be NO privacy AT ALL. I'll stop here because I'm probably ranting now.

I did just that and moved my mom into my house after her house was sold. She has been with us about a month now. I absolutely adore and love my mom BUT I have NO time for myself, my family or my husband. Like none! She does have dementia, but still somewhat knows what is going on. She just needs to be watched 24/7 because she gets confused doing simple things but can do them when someone is guiding her. I am waiting for an opening at memory care, so there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I didn’t realize how exhausting and time wise that this move would be. My husband doesn’t understand why I am always tired. She walks around the house all night and I need to be up to watch her. So getting no sleep isn’t helping. I have no time for myself, she is basically a cling on. I have had to put work on hold because she can’t be by herself. It’s not easy. I wouldn’t recommend having her move in unless you want to put your life on hold indefinitely. If she is running out of funds there is no way that she wouldn’t be approved. You need to speak to an elder attorney. Good luck!

My mom lived with us for 5 years when she had Alzheimer's, and I never knew what was coming down the pike form 1 day to the next. That unpredictability was the most unsettling part of our 5 year journey. Her lucidty could change from 1 hour to the next, so I never knew if I was talking to someone who could be reasoned with or not. Plans sometimes had to change on a dime. I could be taking a shower, and Hubby would knock on the door and tell me that my mom just stormed out the front door, (which she'd do, sometimes as a storm was approaching.) Either Hubby or I would have to chase her down the street. (Don't worry, I dried off and threw on some clothes so I wouldn't scare the neighbors.) I even wrote a book about our travails called, "My Mother has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." Since you mentioned "a target on your back," I'll tell you that one of the chapters is entitled "Right on Target," highlighting taking my mom to a Target store. If you think it was stressful, you'd be right on "Target." My mom and I got along great before Alzheimer's hit, so if she'd insult me, (as sometimes happened when Alzheimer's kicked in), I knew that it was the disease talking, and not her. Just take things 1 day at a time. (Easier said than done; I know.)