What is going to hit me from left field as I consider moving my 92-year-old mother into my home?

Let’s see. There’s gonna be the refusal to do anything because she’s old. Accusing you of stealing things. Bringing up something that happened in your childhood. The you owe me senior brat behavior.

Then there’s the doctors appointments, and the shopping. The depends. The falls.

One day it might not be just a uti, but actual dementia. She’ll get 100 times worse.

Just do not do this. Medicare will only cover in home help, on a very limited (Medical need) basis after hospitalization.

Why put the target on your own back?

KayCee, welcome!

You are "told by" a sibling that mom doesn't qualify for Medicaid?

Why is that?

Do you have POA for finances and Health care for your mom?

Why would you undertake her care if you don't have a full understanding of her finances and health?

What will you do if, after you've moved her in, you discover you can't leave her alone?

Can you afford to quit your job and care for her with no income coming in?

Settle ALL of these issues (what her health is like, what she qualifies for, how much she will pay for rent and caregiving) BEFORE she moves in.


Please.

I just moved my parents out of state...so many things will be coming to you if you choose this path. Insurance changes were/are a nightmare. Finding doctors and specialists is difficult. Plan on a visit to the lawyer to make sure all legal documents are updated for the state in which she resides (if necessary)...make sure someone has POA for finances and health decisions (probably you). Change has been very difficult for my parents. Only one has dementia but getting used to the new location has been difficult for both of them. I’m new to this and it seems something new comes up almost daily. If it isn’t a new health concern, it’s a financial issue, or just something that has broken in their home. It all lands on my shoulders first. Just be ready for those kinds of responsibilities. The responsibilities list only seems to grow. Some people seem to handle that really well, others not so much. I’m not even sure where I land on that spectrum yet but my life has completely changed.

You are going to possibly experience stress you've never imagined and your job possibly will be significantly affected. As far as Medicaid and qualifying for it, as long as she can medically qualify for SNF care, she definitely can qualify financially. Ask yourself a question, what do you think would happen if you or your siblings weren't around? Do you think the AL facility would just dump her to the curb? No, that wouldn't happen. They would get the state involved and they would find placement for her. You don't have to take her to your home, but if you do it likely will develop into a 24/7 where she will take up all your attention and energy.

Oops, Newbie mistake - replied to my comment by accident.

Oh crikey. I really *wouldn't*...

First of all: you think your sister may not have explained to your mother that your mother's (supplemental) money has run out. Your sister says that your mother does not qualify for Medicaid. Your sister has experienced the rough end of the stick when your mother feels restricted and forgotten (I'm not sure I fully understand what you mean by this, but I get the gist I think). So either your sister has POA for your mother but is not informing your mother; or your sister does NOT have POA for your mother and has a headache from trying to manage regardless; and your sister steers clear of your mother while you see your mother face-to-face but, I imagine, not for long or very often...

It's got "hot mess" written all over it. And you want to take it home?

Are you on good terms with your sister?

You need:
- a detailed financial assessment
- all the information about day care and in-home support options beforehand, and not after she's moved in
- to consider ALFs near you
- a detailed care needs assessment

And with those things then you can think about it.

So what does your sister plan to do next, if indeed it is within her authority to do anything? How, why, did it become up to you to plan the next move?

Please rethink this. Find out why she doesn't qualify for Medicaid and see what other options there are besides living with you.

Sure family steps up and looking into help for her qualifies as stepping up. Sacrificing your life....and that is exactly what you are proposing...is not part of stepping up.

Until YOU hear it from a CELA-certified lawyer in YOUR state, mom may be able to qualify for Medicaid. Don't take someone else's word for it and donrely on old information.

Period.

Family "steps up" in an emergency to advocate, arrange and facilitate. Not to have their lives hijacked.

Wow! You all have been fantastic!! I previously reached out to a high school classmate who is now the Executive Director for a state agency on aging. He has given me resources to contact a SHIP Counselor to request assistance with the Medicaid paperwork. I am more determined than ever to help her stay where she is (in the ALF) and not cause any more undue chaos and confusion ... for any of us. I cannot tell you just how much I appreciate your comments, insight and candor. My concern about the option of moving her to my home has been validated 100%. Moving forward to a different path!! THANK YOU!!!!

Ok so, if mom has annuities that have to be used up BEFORE she qualifies for Medicaid, great: then she CONTINUES to live in Assisted Living, cashes OUT those annuities and pays for her care out of pocket from the annuities to do so. This keeps her OUT of your house during the time period it takes to use up the annuity funds. THEN she can qualify for Medicaid. She's using up your 'inheritance', but really, that's what HER money SHOULD be used for: Her care while she is alive; not to be saved for children's inheritances.

BUT, go talk to a CELA first, naturally, and don't take our word for anything! This is just something I'm telling you from personal experience, after having used POA for my parents since 2014, cashed out their life savings (in stocks) and used that $$$ to finance their care in AL ever since. Mom was due to run out of $$$ in August and I was going to apply for Medicaid at that time, but she wound up passing away in February. All she would have had left was her SSI monthly and her VA Aid & Attendance widow's benefits which weren't enough to finance her $7K a month costs in Memory Care AL.

So, what are you going to experience having mom live with you that you haven't a clue about? Tons of things, TONS and TONS of things. Loss of privacy being the #1 thing, and being responsible for another human being 100% like it was when we were first mothers back in the day (if you were in that position, IDK). It's an overwhelming feeling, to say the least. PLEASE let mom spend all of her annuity funds to finance her care in AL and have her own place, her own autonomy, and you can continue living your own life, having your own ONE full time job instead of TWO, and that's that. Speak to the lawyer and get the scoop about what to do after she runs out of $$$$, and go from there. By then, she may need a lot of help with ADLs (activities of daily life) and she'll be more than ready for Skilled Nursing.

Wishing you the best of luck coming up with Plan B & C to keep mom living in AL for as long as possible.

I believe if you’re mom has no health issues you can’t get any assistance from Medicare. I don’t know if they have these where you live we have senior housing which is based on income and they are small one bedroom apartments all on one level and some of them include utilities however most of them do not have washers and dryers in them there’s usually a community one in the middle of the complex

In reading the responses you have already gotten, I think you see the need to check with a certified elder attorney. If I were you I would check on Medicaid benefits for both states as one might be a better fit than the other as state requirements to access benefits can be different as well as some states provide more funds for care. Remember Medicaid is managed by the state. Medicare is federal.

To answer your posted question, Medicare has a home bound program that will allow your mom a weekly nurse visit and a couple of visits per week from a CNA for baths. PT, OT and speech therapy can be provided as needed. Home based blood draws, urine tests etc can be done. But your mom may be beyond this stage of care and being home alone during the day after being in an ALF might be especially lonely for her. It might work for awhile but you would soon be needing to find alternate arrangements. I would drill down on exactly where mom is on her needs and her finances. Those are the two factors that she must meet to qualify for Medicaid. She must be medically in need and financially in need. If she has more income than the state limit, there are usually ways around that. Again, the rules and procedures are different depending on the state. The bigger problem will be is if her POA has used her funds in a way that delays her acceptance by Medicaid. You won’t know until you see the response from the Medicaid application as to what the problem is. Don’t assume anything, just deal with the facts. I would not delay meeting with the attorney if mom is low on finances. A good attorney well versed in Medicaid can be expensive but well worth the cost if they get mom placed where she can be cared for.

Make sure you get moms POA if she is cognitively able to assign. Don’t leave that with the sibling if you are in effect taking over the management of her care. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Please don't depend on your sister to tell you about Medicaid and long-term care. Consult with an attorney who is versed in Medicaid issues. It can be quite tricky.

Just don’t do it. Make every effort to get her accommodations & care elsewhere. The siblings need to cooperate on this. And you have received much good advice here, too. Best of luck: your life has to come first.

Do not move her in.

If she does not qualify for Medicaid, that means she has some remaining assets which need to be spent on her care before she qualifies for Medicaid.

Medicare will not help with living costs or adult day care

Me and my sister currently take care of my mom sharing her care on a monthly basis. It's not easy check with an elder care lawyer and see what your options are before committing. There's alot involved with caring for your mom yourself. Good luck

My mom lived with us for 5 years when she had Alzheimer's, and I never knew what was coming down the pike form 1 day to the next. That unpredictability was the most unsettling part of our 5 year journey. Her lucidty could change from 1 hour to the next, so I never knew if I was talking to someone who could be reasoned with or not. Plans sometimes had to change on a dime. I could be taking a shower, and Hubby would knock on the door and tell me that my mom just stormed out the front door, (which she'd do, sometimes as a storm was approaching.) Either Hubby or I would have to chase her down the street. (Don't worry, I dried off and threw on some clothes so I wouldn't scare the neighbors.) I even wrote a book about our travails called, "My Mother has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." Since you mentioned "a target on your back," I'll tell you that one of the chapters is entitled "Right on Target," highlighting taking my mom to a Target store. If you think it was stressful, you'd be right on "Target." My mom and I got along great before Alzheimer's hit, so if she'd insult me, (as sometimes happened when Alzheimer's kicked in), I knew that it was the disease talking, and not her. Just take things 1 day at a time. (Easier said than done; I know.)

I did just that and moved my mom into my house after her house was sold. She has been with us about a month now. I absolutely adore and love my mom BUT I have NO time for myself, my family or my husband. Like none! She does have dementia, but still somewhat knows what is going on. She just needs to be watched 24/7 because she gets confused doing simple things but can do them when someone is guiding her. I am waiting for an opening at memory care, so there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I didn’t realize how exhausting and time wise that this move would be. My husband doesn’t understand why I am always tired. She walks around the house all night and I need to be up to watch her. So getting no sleep isn’t helping. I have no time for myself, she is basically a cling on. I have had to put work on hold because she can’t be by herself. It’s not easy. I wouldn’t recommend having her move in unless you want to put your life on hold indefinitely. If she is running out of funds there is no way that she wouldn’t be approved. You need to speak to an elder attorney. Good luck!

A lot of good advice here!! Best immediate decision is DON'T DO IT! That's not being said to mean or anything but realize that as someone else stated - it's like having (for me) a large, loud, verbal infant. Yes my mother cared for me as a baby, toddler etc. But lifting and changing a 200+ lb. human was never required!! If she is in your home it is a 24/7 responsibility!!! No time off- no job allowed. I was able to get Medicaid for my mother ( who is NOT poor) and still...it is torture. She is immobile, non-weight bearing and incontinent. Hospital bed, hoyer lift etc is necessary. If not now.....it soon will. My mother was 223 lbs. at 5' 2" when she stopped caring for herself. She lives in her own home with 24/7 care and still I am challenged daily! Did the HHA show up? Is she getting her meds? What about groceries? Mom's complaint that HHA's don't know how to cook. Why am I not there full time? She wants me to move in to her home to live, cook, and clean for her since she did that for me as a child. Again....I was not a 223lb. incontinent child that was verbally aggressive and abusive. You have limits - we all do. I have no life as it is and she is NOT in my home. My children bare the brunt of her care since I am out of state. When in state - I can't see friends or family because she is "more important". People can't come into her home unless they visit with her! So - if I want to see someone we have to meet in the yard! I'm 68 and I'm dealing with this while my husband deals with his mother as well. We have no life PERIOD!! If she was in my home there would be NO privacy AT ALL. I'll stop here because I'm probably ranting now.

KayCee,

Don't rely on what your sibling says about Medicaid coverage. Talk to them yourselves.
I've never heard of Medicaid paying for an assisted living facility. They do pay for nursing homes and LTC though.
Medicare will not pay for your mother to have the number of caregiving hours she will need. They will not pay for someone to stay with her while you're away at work nine hours a day or more.
Your mother was in AL for a reason. Don't move her into your house. Please think it over a little more.
Here is what you most likely have coming if mom moves in.

-Quitting your job. Maybe right now can be left alone for short periods of time like length of a tv program. That will change fast once she's with you. You're her child so expect to become a nanny-slave to her every need and demand. Hopefully she has enough income to cover adult day care or full-time aides because Medicare only pays for a few hours of homecare a week, and they don't pay for daycare.
-No respite and no privacy. As mom grows more needy and demanding her feelings of being restricted and forgotten will grow a hundred times worse because you're her child. She will expect you to be by her side 24hours a day. Then resent you if you're not cheerful and smiling every moment. Don't expect any sibling help either. No helping to pay for homecare aides and no taking mom for a few days to give you a break.
-You may also get some attention-seeking behavior too. I'm not saying it's guaranteed, but I am saying it's very common. Elderly people can get very demanding and selfish if they're not the center of attention or the top priority in someone's life. So keep an eye out for things like fabricated health crises and even some staged "falls" to get attention.
-Be prepared to take on the role of scapegoat too. Not guaranteed, but very common. When mom misplaces something which she may have had fifty years ago or not at all, you stole it. You threw it away. You're taking her money. You're abusing her. You're starving her.
Be prepared for all of this.
I've been in homecare for almost 25 years and I will be honest with you. I have seen many families ruined and marriages broken up because a needy, elderly parent moves in.
A parent living with adult children can work out if the parents or parent start off independent and can contribute to the household and family. Like helping with childcare or doing chores. That's different than when you move them in because they're needy and elderly.
-Be prepared to no longer have a parent/adult child relationship. This happens often when a person has to become a caregiver to a parent. You stop being a son or daughter and become an employee to them.
Please think it over more. Medicaid will pay for LTC or memory care. Please explore these options before you decide anything.

If there is any way that your mom can stay where she is, it is best to not change her situation at her age, unless she is being ignored or abused in some way, or needs more care than is possible at assisted living. All of the advice so far is great. There is just no telling what will happen in the future with her health, memory issues, contentment, etc. You are being wonderful to step in to help handle the situation, but the only thing I didn't see so far being discussed is the relationship with your sisters. If one of them has been handling things so far, with POA, will she be resentful of your input or will she welcome the help? Perhaps you don't know yet. Why is this sister not visiting your mom now? The Medicaid question needs to be clear. It's a little hard to not be suspicious about the annuities not being used for her care so she can eventually qualify for Medicaid. When and if she qualifies, will the assisted living facility accept it or will she need to move to another facility? There are just so many unanswered questions, so you need to have all information in order to help and if it is not freely given, then you might not have any way to be of assistance. Do know as much as you can about the laws and regulations for everything involving your mom before making suggestions. She's already in a facility and I wouldn't think taking her home would work for her or you according to what you've told us so far.

I did not read all of the comments, but enough of them to realize you are getting the same of advice from those of us who have made the mistake of moving an elderly, needy person into your home. For me it was a short period of time and it was a nightmare. It will never happen again. It will not work the way you hope it will.
Read the post from BurntCaregiver, then read it again, and again until you realize you will lose any sense of normal life. It will be swallowed up in her increasing needs. AND...DO NOT take the word of the sibling who says she does not qualify for Medicaid, find out for yourself if it's true. Maybe it's just that the AL she is in does not take Medicaid, you just need all the facts, and not from an unhelpful sibling.

Hi KayCee111,

You are about to step into the unknown. You are a very unselfish, loving daughter who cares & loves her parent. But if you take her in your life will change drastically! Not for the good. I am doing it now. It’s the most stressful thing I could of ever done. You will stay tired. Have zero time for yourself. Your brain will never turn off because you will always have to figure out solutions for her and work. If you have a significant other you will have no energy or time for that. Plus, that doesn’t included whatever her health issues are. I love my Dad to pieces, but its too much for me as I am disabled but working as SSI isn’t enough to live on. I have zero support from 5 siblings, no relief other than now he goes to daycare which he complains daily about. He now has home health that come once he’s out of daycare until I arrive home. If you want a life don’t bring her to live with you as everyone else has said let the insurance run out to place her on Medicaid. Do what you can beforehand as Medicaid is a process. Caring for a loved one is no joke! Some days, I feel like I am merely existing and not living. I get up do for him, get him out the door lay back down for 2 hrs if I don't have to be on the phone handling things for him or myself which rare for myself. I go to work return to do things for him and by the time I can lay down its late to get up to do it again. It’s a non-stop job. All the while he complains he's not a child. He can do what he wants. When in actuality he is somewhat a child. His memory goes in and out. If I make it through this. I hope to be able to share my experiences to help someone else.
Best of Luck & prayers as you will need it.

If mom has nothing, doesn't that make her eligible for Medicaid? Please do your own research. Call "A Place For Mom" and ask them to refer you to assisted living care that accepts Medicaid and will introduce you to their social worker who can apply for Medicaid.

Hopefully, you'll find a place where they can offer programs and activities to include her in. Isolation is a big detriment; many families choose to "forget" their elders, so care facilities can offer activities and friendships for the taking. Perhaps Mom can try them out on respite care?????

Your last question is “what is coming down the pike?” If you move her in? RESENTMENT, RESENTMENT, RESENTMENT. I did not want to resent my mom at the end of her life. I am POA and prayed and prayed for God’s guidance through this process. I too had the guilt feelings of “but she cared for me and even helped me with my boys during my divorce.” I sought advice from a dear friend who went through placing his mom a short time before me. He helped me to see that placing her in a home WAS providing for her…24/7 care, meals, baths, and any one could visit her (sibling rivalry). We (my husband and I pay the difference that her SS doesn’t cover) her other 6 adult children no longer help us bc there were rules to follow. If you are POA prepare for a fight with your siblings, who are quick to criticize but fall way short of taking over her care. (At this point I could write a book!) Also, mom wasn’t happy nor safe in her own home. (I have also learned that some people are happy being miserable) She has adjusted somewhat but best part? Honestly? I get to go home to peace of mind. It’s like not allowing a two year old to get their way bc they throw a tantrum. My mom is now on Hospice so check into that too bc they pick up costs of things like adult diapers and liquid supplements.
Good luck and my prayers to you.
🙏🏽🙏🏽

You are a wonderful daughter! God Bless You! But, there is very likely financial care out there if you need it too. I would check into Medicaid. I don't see why she would not be eligible. Also, we have a program here called IRIS. It is wonderful. They offer financial assistance for the things she needs that are not covered by her insurance. They will also pay for health care givers to come into her home. That includes family. You could be her health care giver as well. You can be a live in care giver or just come to her home to help out.

If you do not have IRIS check into what is available in your state. That is the best program here because they allow the person receiving the care to be in charge. They are treated like a human being and their wishes are what comes first. I wish you and your mother all the best!!! God Bless you both!

i think it's very kind of you OP to want to live with your mother. at the same time, it's good to be aware of all the warnings. you OP know best, what's the right decision. hug!!

Because many of the responders posted about Medicaid, people need to know that in most states Medicaid qualification requires 2 things: meeting a financial criteria and also a medical one. Many states' Medicaid programs only cover LTC and must be confirmed/recommended by the physician. A rare few states will cover AL and MC (I think Michigan does), but not many, and I don't think 100% of the cost. The OP will need to check with their home state.

Please do not hesitate any longer. She will not be around much longer. However, you must decide based on your own best judgment. We simply cannot predict the future.