I am my moms rep payee with social security and have been for many years mostly without issue.
My moms illness and circumstances changed over the past couple years and she is now homeless.
There is a constant argument about money. I have to put motels, food delivery etc on my credit card and reimburse from the rep payee account since rep payee accounts don’t allow debit cards and hotels don’t take checks/need a credit card.
She doesn’t understand that she is broke or how expensive it is to be homeless and constantly fights for more money/accuses me of stealing and when I show her the spreadsheet tally I keep for records she still fights with me. Every day. I try to make a budget with her and some days she agrees, but the next day she will ask for a lot of cash and if I say no/stick to the budget she flips out and screams/cries. I don’t want her to go without and I help with rides/errands and have spent my own money on her too. I am just on a very tight budget myself and I can’t go into debt for her.
Today there was an issue with the bank where some things pending I thought had already cleared but didn’t clear until after I had made a payment and now with the other recent charges the balance is higher than expected.
I know when I tell her this later today it will be another huge fight.
I am tired of fighting about money and being accused of being dishonest.
I dread telling her the balance change today and I’m sorry I just want to be done with being a rep payee.
Has anyone given up their rep payee status? If no other family is available to take it over, how was your experience with the person social security appoints?
How involved are they?
I am on hold with social security right now for more info, but I am worried, this is such a big decision.
Letting a stranger control all her money, especially while she is so vulnerable makes me feel like a bad daughter. I don’t want to give up on her, but I’m tired of all the fighting. Tired of worrying that she will run out of money and I’ll be stuck with a big credit card bill too.
You need to get your mother a place to live so that it doesn't come back on you. Believe me when family like my BIL's they made it so hard in the end for me I was turned into social security for misuse of funds. They wanted his money and they thought when it came down to spend down for Medicaid they should get it. They told social security I went on a lavish vacation with his money when in fact I was getting him back on Medicaid. That NH isn't cheap because I had to spend down his finances and at $260 a day it adds up fast. With dealing with the social security I was told to turn off his home phone because he had a cellphone and I did that made his family more IRRATE. When all was final and I was cleared of any misusing of funds the NH was made his rep payee.
If you turn it over to an agency I know this they will have to prove to someone they spent her money right. They get audited every 6mos to a year they have to prove where that money goes too. And they will not give more than they have there.
Prayers you find a solution
Can you contact your senior center and get her a geriatric care manager to tie her in with more help getting housing, psychiatric care, food resources, etc.?
"I have to put motels, food delivery etc on my credit card and reimburse from the rep payee account since rep payee accounts don’t allow debit cards and hotels don’t take checks/need a credit card."
There is no money for hotels, foods delivered, etc.
Do this:
"If she is homeless with no typical bills like rent to pay then they will most likely load a portion of her SS check each week for expenses. They will not book hotels for her, not order food/groceries etc. they will essentially just give her the cash on this card."
There is no need for you to inform her of the daily balance in her account-this will only stress her out. You need some boundaries.
You do not need to talk to her daily, this is stressing you out. Meet once a week.
Her income provides shelter and food, not much else. Not much else can be expected.
I would contact a elder attorney (maybe the legal aid society has free or reduced legal aid that can help you) and they can point you to an agency to help you.
Where I live, there is a non-profit whose sole mission is to help people manage their finances when they or a family member is unable to do it. They have regularly filed paperwork on behalf of the person when Medicaid dropped them for failure to file regularly and the notice for dropping them was somehow lost. They do it so often, they have a single contact that they go through to get the process expedited. We all wish we had a contact like that.
In addition, sometimes the person is more likely to follow the advice if they know their finances are being taken care of by a 3rd party instead of a family member they can manipulate.
Please, please, please do not sacrifice yourself and provide financial means for your mother. All you are doing is enabling her to not be fiscally responsible while you are digging a bigger hole for yourself.
You are doing a good thing. You recognize that you can no longer do it and are willing to look for someone else to take it over.
Kudos!
https://www.fsabc.org/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/Guardianship-in-Pennsylvania.pdf
Contact Elder Law Attorney to guide you and protect your mom.
I am sorry, but I really don't see how you can out payee into a strangers hands. I also think Mom needs to be placed where she is safe. I would try an elder lawyer. See if there is any help out there that can force her into a facility. Then the facility can be her payee.
1) stop paying for motels, etc.
2) she needs a social worker or someone professional 'in the system' to secure housing for her.
3) You need to step way back - and stop using your own money
4) Take control and decide / set clear boundaries.
* It could be very helpful to have soc sec appoint another person to manage her funds - and you get out of this loop.
You are creating a financial 'mess' for yourself.
Of course you are tired of all the fighting. Stop fighting.
You continue to engage her and keep this pattern going. It is up to you to stop it. If you do not, you will suffer the consequences / fall out both emotionally and financially.
I know this is your mother and it hurts. Still, you need to value yourself, first.
Gena / Touch Matters
You may benefit from speaking with an Elder Law Attorney for options and considerations about this situation. This may give you the much needed input re caring for aging parents, boundaries, and, frankly the health, safety and legal dynamics that you may face by continuing as you are. Not to mention your mother.....
Because being Rep Payee isn't enough I think.
And if you are both, and your mother is incapable of handling her affairs, you cannot just abandon her "at the side of the road" as I like to say. If you became her Payee you likely did this with documentation that she is incapable of handling her affairs. To now suddenly go to SS and say "I quit" leaves your mother without representation.
I would go to Social Security and talk to them about your Rep Payee status and get their recommendation. You may also call APS about trying to give over your duties to a State Appointed/Court Appointed guardian.
Good luck. Update us and let us know what you find out.
I tried to get APS involved before and they opened a case. Mom refused to participate in any assessment and a temporary guardian was issued and a court hearing for guardianship. At court the judge decided that while she does have mental and physical illness it is her legal right to refuse medication/treatment and that she was still able to ‘make her own decisions regarding care’, but did not remove the rep payee agreement.
when I spoke with social security the rep said if I quit then her funds will be frozen until a new one is appointed. They said SS does not appoint someone. I would have to google/cold call company’s that offer rep payee services. They will charge an admin fee and give her in a sense like a prepaid reloadable gift card with funds after bills are paid by them. If she is homeless with no typical bills like rent to pay then they will most likely load a portion of her SS check each week for expenses. They will not book hotels for her, not order food/groceries etc. they will essentially just give her the cash on this card.
it was a very upsetting call because I will still be just as involved as I am now and mom will have less money with their fees. I just feel trapped.
i don’t want to leave her by the side of the road. I am trying to find a place for her but it is very hard and waiting lists are long. She can be very uncooperative with social services and has missed so many opportunities this way. Even when she has been cooperative most they usually have to offer is a shelter. She has been in shelters and been kicked out of shelters and many shelters won’t take her because she has a walker.
dont want to make this to long, this has just been a roller coaster experience.
thanks for your comments!
You can also allow the hotel to call APS saying they have a women who seems to be mentally ill staying there. When APS calls, you tell them there is no way you can care for Mom and allow them to take over.
There isca book Alva always suggest about having to just let go when you have a mentally ill parent. Hopefully she will see this post.