I am a legal assistant, so I've done a great deal of research into this topic, but haven't really discovered any helpful answers or options other than to petition the court for guardianship. My mother does not have dementia, but we think she's afraid to make the change and live with strangers. However, she's telling us now she's going to buy a home in South Vegas (450-500 miles away from us) and hire a caregiver to come a couple times a week. This is not realistic at all.

She can't go shopping, shower, dress or make meals without help. She doesn't drive anymore, she walks with a walker, her hearing is impaired even with a hearing aide, and she's almost completely blind. On top of everything else, she has horrible incontinence (bowel movements). She will not listen to reason, and we've even taken her to go see a couple of places, but she refuses and says she wants her own home and wants to live independently. Even the behavioral nurse and her cardiologist have advised her against this drastic of a move and they suggested an assisted living facility would be ideal for her situation. She says she can take care of herself.

She's delusional and won't listen to any of us. All 4 of us (her children) are telling her how irresponsible it would be for her to just pack up and go that far away. And, speaking of strangers, she knows no one in South Vegas. What can we do? We've tried everything. My sister is caring for her husband who has Parkinson's and this is effecting her health as well. She caters to my mother 24/7, making and delivering her meals to her in her room, giving her medicine to her, changes her sheets and tucks her in bed every night, washes her clothes, cleans her toilet and bathroom several times per day after she's had a bowel movement, drives her to doctor appointments. It goes on and on.

Any suggestions? We know there are geriatric professionals out there, but we're a little tight on funds and she won't voluntarily go see anyone. We've even tried talking to a Catholic priest, as my mother is fairly devoted, even though these days she's not behaving very christian-like. She's become kind of mean, says mean things to my sister, put-downs, my sister just can't take it anymore. She's been living with her for 4 years now. I've pretty much exhausted all avenues on my own but any new ideas or thoughts are appreciated. Thanks!

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Just curious as to how old your mother is? My mother has been in 2 different AL in different states. I think your mother may be close to not being eligible for AL which then means nursing home which could be paid for by Medicaid. If funds are an issue then that might be more helpful for you. Then you have to figure out how to get her there. All her thoughts on the matter as to her choices make no sense at all. Perhaps a doctor could prescribe medication to stabilize her thoughts. You all will have to take the bull by the horn. I hope if she can be placed she is near at least one of her children. It made a big difference in placing my mother both times that she was near me as I am her only child. Hopefully you will get more advice from others as to how to get her placed.
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If mother wants to buy her own place, why not near you? Not that that is a good idea, but it seems bizarre that she wants to go so far away from all supports. 'Afraid to make a change and live with strangers' certainly isn't consistent with this, and 'wants her own home and wants to live independently' could at least be closer than 500 miles away. Do you know what is going on? If this isn't dementia it is very very odd.

You are tight on funds, but what about her? Can she afford to buy, or is this all imagination? Is it really difficult financially for the family if she does buy, and then has to sell? Could you persuade her to rent somewhere close? It sounds as though the arrangement will break down fairly quickly, so renting means that less is at stake financially. It would also get your poor sister off the hook quite quickly. What a difficult situation for you!
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I'd get some advice from an experienced attorney in her jurisdiction as to what evidence you need in court. Find one who regularly appears and litigates in this type of hearing.

It doesn't sound like she is going to listen to reason, so, getting control may be the only option. In different jurisdictions, there are different rules and requirements as to how the court will intervene. In some places, the courts look at the person's ability to run their own household, make sound decisions, use proper judgment, take care of her personal needs, pay bills, etc. And, if your mother's plans or actions are not sound, it might have some impact with the court. They will be looking at whether she is competent to make her own decisions and if she is left on her own, would it put her in danger.

I'd also ask about legal fees. In some places, if you prevail, you may recover your legal fees, if she can afford to pay them. But, if you lose, you might be out of the money.

It doesn't sound like there are any easy options. It sounds very tough. I hope you can find something that helps.
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