What do you wish people would ask you?

Thanks to all for the great suggestions. They will help a lot as she continues on this journey. Her mother fell recently and broke her shoulder so my friend has even more to do in caring for both of her parents. Your suggestions will be used again and again to help my friend.

Her son spent the night with our family last night. He is a senior in HS and playing on the football team. I will be sure to stay with my friend's parents for several of the games so that she and her husband will be able to attend them together. I'm not sure who posted about missing their child's events but that struck a chord with me so I thank you for that insight.

I love your question, big hugs to you for asking it.  Little things you can do is have a good ear for her to vent, no matter how frustrating that might get, just listen.  Offer to pick up something she might need from a store.  Stop by to visit in person, because often caregivers are isolated and it's nice to have a hug from someone and a visit about normal life, yes normal life, caregiving isn't normal life, and one of the problems with it is if you don't have an outlet it becomes normal life and you can't cope with the real world as well once the caregiving is done, I'm just saying it.  Offer to mow the yard if there's a yard, offer to run her car to the car wash or gas it up for her, ask her if she'd like something special from a restaurant she may miss going to, if she's going out to run errands, offer to go with her, just sit with her and watch a movie at her home so she's with a friend for awhile.  It can be hard, and hard to watch, but it'll mean everything to her.  I have one friend who lives long distance from me who calls me every day to check on me, not one local who cared, bless you for this for your friend.

I think your friend is lucky to have you,., thats like gold to have a friend who wants to support you through this very difficult journey. You really do find out who your friends are going through this journey. I am going through this with both of my parents and very little support.. my Dad passed a couple of months ago. Everyone who does ask.. asks about my Mom.. but I am struggling with my Dad's death as well.

I would keep asking her.. how is SHE doing..often you disappear as a caregiver.. or thats how it was for me. I would love for someone to send a card, call, ask me out for coffee... and just talk about how I am doing.. or any other subject to lift my spirits... the little things mean so much when you are in this situation.

You sound like a good friend..

Just help her navigate the legal, emotional, financial, and overall support of what a caregiver role is and what it will be. Your role may change as the situation gets more dire because the Dad is getting to the end. You know your friend so suggest she take walks or offer to do chores that need to be done. Especially cleaning and grocery shopping. These chores are tedious and frequent but the more you engage in her well being than the better it will be for her in the end because you have been there since the beginning . I hope this helps and you are a good friend and person. Fortunately I have a friend like you and it made all of the difference in the world when my mother passed away. She stayed with me and helped me because no way I could have done these tasks of hospice care on my own .Hospice is a home hospital that required 24/7 care with meds and a nurse on call so offer suggestions and think about the future now before it gets to that point. Most caregivers live in the now and may not prepare for the inevitable future. So do your research and have answers for her while she is in the present. I hope this helps you as you support your friend.

Asking what do I need just for me. Not always help with mom, for mom, about mom. Just me. I felt completely swallowed up by the situation like I no longer existed.

Not that "mom help" wouldn't be soooooo appreciated.

I found it wasn't always what was asked but how many times. Do not take "I'm fine" or "Its ok"as an answer. We are lying, whether we know it or not. Push a little, follow through. So many people asked once and that was it.

Sometimes the thing I wished for the most was to not be asked, I prayed for someone to have the incentive to pitch where they could. To not have to be in charge to not have to think or instruct. For someone to step in and say "Shoo. I got this"

Do you need anything? and mean it.
I'd also like to say you are a dear friend to your friend.

"How on earth did you leave your home, your family, your pets and YOUR LIFE to move in with your mother in another state 7 states away from your own?"

I have taken care of my mom with dementia in my home going on two years now and for a good many years before in a support role when she lived independently in her home. There has been a gradual decline to the point now she is incontinent and bedridden. When trying to decide whether the next step was hospice in my home or a nursing home (both me and my husband have back problems which make turning my mother in bed pretty difficult) a close relative who had been through the same journey said to me "Just know whatever happens now, you have done ALL that you can do." These words were so comforting to me. I repeat them over and over to myself often. We did choose hospice in home and it has been pretty difficult. Another relative said "I'm glad you didn't put her in a nursing home" which did not make me feel good and seemed kind of insensitive because if we had chose that it didn't mean we loved her any less it's just sometimes that's the best you can do when you've done all you can.

Hi, hi. I agree and relate to all answers. Read them all.
My wish? Someone to say " I'd like to come & fix breakfast or dinner for you?" My daughters offer to and bring over food/ dinner mostly on special occasions. His birthday, mothers or Father's Day. Never realized how much I enjoyed the break after my baby brother a chef in CA visited last month. I asked he stay with us instead of a hotel which he was glad to. I got up one morning, heard him in the kitchen and he was cooking us breakfast! Real hash browns and all the rest. I was feeling lost sitting and relaxing as he suggested. He also cooked a gourmet type dinner for us & other family members one evening! The breakfast was my best treat, because my mornings are so busy that sometimes I've wished someone would be here to make us just a bowl of oatmeal. Hubby never was much for cooking but now he couldn't anyway.
This aging care forum has been so encouraging for me. Knowing and learning how everyone deals or not with all situations. I don't post too much
but have learned recently to stop trying to be the superwoman my family always thought I was, & make time do do what I like. This is one thing I like.
I can't talk to family or few very long time friends like I do here. They don't nor do I expect them to understand. I try to let them know that they don't have to understand but acceptance is a difficult thing for many people to do. Including myself. I posted a note on my fridge this morning. Note to self: Quit doing stupid things!! I went out to check our mail yesterday & put both recycle & trash cans out. They weren't that heavy on wheels but my back was so sore this morning, I'm done. No more can do. I too have to learn to ask for help. I'll delegate to one of my adult grandkids to stop by on Monday evenings & take cans to the curb. I'm sure they will if I ask. I've tried to figure out why so many of our younger generation lack something called common sense. They are able to do most anything if asked but can't figure out simple stuff like " I'll call/txt Nana to ask if she needs something." Oh well. 🤓
Thanks to all. I've enjoyed my break.

Hugs & blessings. 😇

It would have been nice if people had just asked how I was doing.

Definitely ask your friend how they are doing. As others said, everyone always asks how the "patient" is doing, but neglect to ask about the care-giver! I don't give the hands-on care, but take care of everything else - no help from brothers really (none from non-local one.) Every time I think the dust has settled for a bit and perhaps I can take some time to tackle things that need doing here, the poop hits the fan (having one of those times right now!!! Holiday week, mom fell over the weekend and now needs to go to doc for knee pain, unable to support her weight, one cat started limping, can't get a vet appt, my neglected checkups are resulting in call backs... it goes on and on!!)

Always call before dropping in, ask if there is a good time and bring coffee, tea, some kind of snack they like, etc. You never know when they might be tied up with some kind of hands-on task, so it is better to prearrange a good time.

Ask if you can help out with anything that needs doing that they don't have time to tackle as often (gardening, mowing, painting, etc) and offer to "babysit" so they can get some time OUT on their own! Suggesting they make a to-do list (as one might not think of these things at the time when asked) would be good - then you can assess the list and tackle what you feel you can do and/or find a way to help out in another way. Ask if they want a regular sit and chat time during any quiet spells. Bring a prepared meal to some of these visits. They may have sitters, but probably don't leave/get out enough to take care of errands, etc or get a change of view for a little while. If going to do grocery or other shopping, ask if they need you to pick up anything.

Wish I had a friend like you!!!

You are a good friend to care enough to want to help and to ask how you can be helpful! I will echo what a lot of others are saying, listen. Letting a caregiver vent and share stories is really therapeutic.
I don't love it when people try to fix problems because they end up offering obvious advice that I've either already tried or just won't work for one reason or another. You can however ask if there is a problem you can try to help with. For instance, they may need a part-time sitter or housekeeper and you can do the research to find someone trustworthy. I know it's knit-picky but there is a difference in offering simple solutions to complex problems and offering to tackle a problem before you start trying to fix it.
When people ask how my mom is I know they mean well, but I want to say, she has Alzheimer's and there is no cure so she's never going to get better. So I would recommend you ask how your friend is doing and maybe ask what Dad is up to now. They are always up to something but not getting better. Cynical, I know, but it feels true to me.
Thanks for being a good friend.

Overwhelmed and isolated have been the words that describe my life the most. I would add to be intentionally observant of the surroundings when you visit a caregiver to notice what might be a helpful task from which to relieve her/him. Ask her to make a list of all the tasks that need done that never seem to be a priority but would lift some stress, no matter how big or small. Then when people ask what they can do to help, she will be ready with a reply other than "nothing I can think of at the moment." Ha! I have been so grateful for help with what might seem to others as the smallest and most insignificant of tasks. We've had tons of rain over the past couple months here in the Midwest, and the 5 bird feeders that my dad enjoys watching had gotten moldy and the grains had sprouted. A young family friend came out to the farm last week to escape her small city apartment and asked what she could do, and I hesitantly asked if she would clean the birdfeeders. She tackled it without hesitation. Whoosh! Such a load off my shoulders! I mentioned to my daughter yesterday that several church members would be here to visit grandpa on Wednesday. She saw that the surfaces in the main living area were a bit dusty and just got up and dusted and swept. It took her all of 15 minutes. Whoosh! Another load off! :)

Metoo111, I realized, I didn't answer your question for your situation. I believe your friend might like to get away sometimes. If that isn't possible, then ask if you can come over, bring her lunch or coffee and a treat. Bring a movie. Make a meal that she can just heat up. Mow the lawn or weed if that's your thing. If she has respite, get her out of the house. Offer to pick up items from a store she doesn't get to often but be sure to give notice. Tell her you want to support her but ask what would help most. Give suggestions so she knows what you are thinking and doesn't have to figure it all out herself. When I was moving my mom, 2 friends offered to help. But one said exactly what she could do and time slots. She came with me to the room, took measurements, helped me make a list and helped me gather and move all the smaller items, gave me the name and number of a mover for the big stuff.

I wish anyone interacting with my MIL would ask "Are there any things that I can help you reinforce when I visit/talk with your loved one?"

If the family is at the point that AL or some sort of placement is near, I would much rather help encourage that, than tell my friend's dad "What a great job you are doing here on you own Bob!" -- that just undermines the family. Bob hears "You are fine, you can keep on living here, you got this!"

If mom keeps leaving her cane behind and walking, and she is supposed to be using it all the time -- I'd rather I know, then I can encourage "Sally, don't forget to grab your cane before you go to the kitchen" She can fuss, and I can maybe give a few words of "Why" that the family has shared with me . . . ."you wouldn't want to fall again, remember when you broke your hip and had to be in the hospital and rehab for so long?"

Grma always "Forgets" to wear her alert pendant ("I don't need that, I'm not going to fall"). . . "Gee Gertie, I see your necklace on the coffee table, let me help you put that on. I sure was glad to have mine on when I fell in the kitchen a few weeks ago. They helped me to call my son and he came and got me up and settled into my chair" Or some other story of it saving the day - to reinforce, "you don't know when you will fall - better to have it on."

As family/caregivers we fight so many small battles, and a well placed conversation with an "outsider" can either help us in our fight, or set us so, so far back :(

Just yesterday in the grocery, MIL was being stubborn and refused to push *just* the cart OR the walker . . . . .was trying to manhandle them both through WalMart. It was way too much, (and a fall/trip hazard *sigh*) and by the time we left (3 hours later) she was barely able to walk, crying out in pain every other step.

So many people just saw a sweet little old lady, hobbling along. Quite a few looked concerned, and I would catch their eye from behind her and say "I'm with her" They looked relieved, but still several said "Gee, you are doing good there!" NO she is doing STUPID there and going to pay for it for days. But everyone who said that, just confirmed for her, that she was perfectly fine. It couldn't be further from the truth *sigh*

I love it when people ask how my husband is and then ask how I am holding up and they take time to just listen without offering advice.  Just simply showing an understanding that he is the ill one but that it is hard on me as well.  It matters!

I wish someone would ask me "Would you like a weekend to yourself?" Almost every weekend since my stepfather passed in 2003 has been commandeered by my mother. My brother and sister 'have their own lives' and can't be bothered with mom unless there is money involved.

In the case of your friend who, by the way, is very lucky to have you, just a couple of hours respite from caregiving so that she could go get a haircut, go to the beach, window shop, take a nap, do errands, go for a walk or any little thing most people take for granted would probably be so appreciated.

"When can I visit and what can I bring/do?" I took care of my mother for about 20 years. The last three she was in Assisted Living (when she wasn't in rehab or ER). As others here know, that doesn't end your work. I really appreciated it most of all when people visited my mother (at decent times) or even sent her a note. I was her only social contact and it's wearing. She was pretty deaf so visiting could be hard. I continued to suggest that people visit mid afternoon when time hung heavy for her. I also suggested bringing photos, of family, their own trips, pets, especially things from my mother's own past. Even a simple board game. Or push her wheelchair around the facility to see displays. Very few people listened to me, then told me it was too hard to visit or she didn't want them. Of course she doesn't want a visitor when she's getting a shower or medical care in the morning or getting ready for bed!!! Those who listened were able to relax and listen to stories prompted by the pictures. My mother was in a good mood and my life was easier for a time as a result.

I haven't read all the answers, but just a few...enough to realize that we as caregivers, want people to do--not ask. Most of the people who called to see how my husband was doing would ask if there was anything they could do...or worse. They would say "If there is anything I can do, call me". Neither response is welcomed nor can we respond. At least, I couldn't. What can you do? I have so much going on and you expect me to stop and figure out what you can do? If I have to call you, I probably won't. I'll just do it myself rather than bother you because I don't know where you are or what you're involved in at the moment. It is SO MUCH kinder and appreciated if you do something for the caregiver. A meal, stay with the loved one for an hour or so (then, I'll be able to plan around your offer!) How kind and comforting to have the offer. Send a card every month (even if that's the only thing you do). In over 6 years that my husband was ill, he received cards once a year on his birthday. Oh how a card or a call at random times throughout the year would have brightened his day! Yes! A card for the caregiver would be wonderful too. Thinking of you. Also, the caregiver's social life is gone. No one thinks of inviting the CG out to dinner, to a movie...or bring a movie and dinner over for everyone to enjoy. I could go on and on, but it just makes me sad that people forget about the caregiver and the loved one. I won't go on any longer about how overwhelming it is and how a CG's world is reduced. I do want to say you are a wonderful, caring, thoughtful friend and I pray that you take those steps to help your friend remain joyful in her life. You are an angel. Hugs to you. (and yes keep hugging your friend as well :-)

Just the fact that you are considerate enough to ask that question says everything about you. In my caregiving years, I personally would've liked someone to ask to just have a cup of coffee for fifteen minutes without feeling I was "whining." Hugs for your kindness. ..

Truly - I appreciate it a great deal when someone actually asks me - HOW AM I DOING? Usually - it's always - how's your mom? A couple of times over 15 years my brother actually stated that I had my hands full with her and they he appreciated all that I did - yep you heard that correctly. Only two affirmatives in 15 years! She's now 92 and I'm getting more and more exhausted and I have reached out for help. I'm now getting ready to sit her down and tell her that she needs to hire some help. I'm her personal assistant, companion, healthcare assistant, and I also work full time, take care of a home, yard and I have some health issues of my own to take care of. My stress level is very high.

Recently my brother passed and there was a lot of emotional fall out over that. She's definitely going down hill and needs some help but it's expensive. But yes just call, show up and bring something. A meal, a card - money for an outing if possible. A plant and conversation.

I'm an only child with no children and live alone and my 92 year old Dad is an only child. My friends know what I deal with and yes I have hired help as well as Dad being a vet receiving up to 10 hours a week of someone there. Dad is mobile but dementia. I have to manage the people, his place, bills, his life, appointments, etc..

I wish someone would say hey I will pick up some lunch and bring over when you are visiting your Dad.

Someone who would stop over when I am there just to help clean up a little.

An offer to make a meal for me that I could bring to Dads.

An offer to stop at the store an pick up a few things and I would pay them.

I have close friends who support me by having me over for dinner and that is a welcoming break.

Friends listen and support but doing is the value

Some meaningful answers here for sure...
As difficult as it is to ask for help, it is so important that we learn to do so... It is truly a sign of self-care when we, the caregivers, can state clearly what we need that would be helpful. It doesn't matter how seemingly small the request may be, it is imperative that we ask.
Asking for help isn't a sign of weakness or inability, it's actually a sign of strength and empowerment.
It's wonderful when friends or family ask what it is we need, but often times (as has been expressed in other answers) people don't always think to ask. As long as things seem taken care of, they can go blithely along in their own lives and perceptions.
Asking for help, support, guidance, encouragement, etc. takes courage... we're stepping out of our own "comfort"/"familiar" zone... Start with a small ask, just to get the feel of it and increase your chances of getting the help you need... it might be picking up a prescription, or stopping by for a visit, or bringing lunch... etc... then you can move on to more significant requests...
It is imperative that caregivers take as good care of themselves as we do of those we love... and we breathe...

It would be nice to hear "What can I do for you personally?" "How can I help you?" "I know how difficult your job [as caregiver] is." "Can I do something to give you a break?" I'm mentioning these things from the perspective of being a caregiver to my wife who has many physical infirmities as well as dementia. And even more important, I do NOT want any criticism of what I am doing as a caregiver, such as what I get from my wife's two grown sons who do absolutely nothing to help in any manner at all. I get lots of help from my family and kids and I appreciate it so much. Even just an acknowledgement of my efforts means a world of difference. Lastly, maybe look into local support resources for your caregiver friend. I've been surprised by how much is available. Sometimes the caregiver is just so overwhelmed to think about other resources.

I wish someone would have come for coffee and a chat and maybe bring a pie. It was especially rough while I was caring for my mom when she was bedridden in my home and I had some health issues during this time. Instead, mostly I got "call me when you are ready to go out", or bragging about their vacations since their care giving days were short and ended, or people disappeared entirely. I didn't expect anyone to do hands on care for my mom, just a chat would have been nice.

If you really want to help, don't ask but tell her you are going to sit with her Dad, come visit her and bring dinner, etc. I have people ask me what can they do and I find it hard to ask someone to do these things but would love it if they did. The only thing you should ask is when is the best time for me to do this.

People mean well when they say "if you need anything, just let me know" but I'm not going to call you and tell you to please come over and just sit with me or pick up something for me. Your friend may be different but that's how I feel and my perspective on how to help.

It's so heartwarming metoo, that you even care enough to ask. It may not even be what you say, as your ability to listen and be there with empathy. I increasingly fear burning people out when I vent. And I expect family, like my out of town sister, to at least RESPOND somehow. I have found it SO annoying, and SO agitating when I share a concern or update and there is ZERO response. I feel so ignored, and unsupported. I realize there is not much she can do from the distance, but I am the one stuck with the load and the hassles. So even when she responds with an "oy." At least I know she has seen what I've said. Are you brave? Could you stay with her loved one and give her a break? We are reaching the point where mom simply will not be able to be left alone...so someone offering to come by regularly would be a big help...someone to hang out while dad goes to play golf...It's horrible to have to ask for help, to impose, to be needy. Even right now we are part of a caregiving program, and we are paying $20/hr for help and I like the aide so much I am uncomfortable asking HER to do some light housekeeping which would be a big help to me. You are a good friend and she's lucky to have you. Hanging in there with her and listeneing may be the most meaningful thing you can do.

Most people ask caregivers how the person they are caring for is. Very few people think of the caregiver, how they are feeling or ask how they are. Ask your friend how SHE is before you ask her how her parents are. I have lost count of the number of people who ask me how my parents are and never bother asking how I am even though I am on the point of collapse and bursting into tears more and more these days. Your friend may feel like this and somebody taking the time to ask how SHE is can make all the difference.

If you can in any way, help your friend. Be there for her at the end of the phone, bring her grocery shopping, help weed her garden, anything you can do for her if you can spare the time. Be there for her because as we know here, an awful lot of "friends" bail when we are forced to dedicate ourselves to elderly parents and aren't available to go out any more.

Ask your friend how she is, ask if she needs any help and if she does need help follow up on your request. If you can advise her on her parents please do. Be there for her on this long hard journey. We all know how hard it is to get support from friends and family on this journey and one good supportive friend means so much.

Anything I can do to give you a little break. When you have absolutely no support from family. Hearing that would totally feel great.

When I was taking care of my Mom I wished people would ask me something totally uncaregiving related to take my mind off of things. A good joke..........anything.