What do you wish people would ask you?

I would love for someone to spend a couple of hours with dad just to give me a break.

Can I spend time with your Mom, so you can have a little time to refresh?

Give hugs, often and sincerely.

Prepare casserole type food that can be used for multiple meals. Do nice fresh fruit salads.

Give your time on a consistent basis so she can go do something frivolous for herself.

Help her with her housework, get a group of ladies together, do a potluck lunch and deep clean her house for her a couple times a year.

Listen without judgment to her vent.

You are awesome for wanting to be a friend for someone facing a challenging time that usually leaves people standing alone. Hugs to you.

Hey. I’ll come over, do the washing, hang it out, get some ironing done and we all can have a chat

sorry this isnt answer im new at this trying 2 reach panda

wow dadscare i here u poor soul

Call her. Mainly so that she can talk to you.

Visit. Take cake, or nice cheese, or anyway special real food rather than booze or chocolates.

If circumstances allow - her father's not too ill, her mother's not too overwhelmed, you're able to do it without never, ever wanting to go near them again - offer to hold the fort if she needs to go out.

Avoid making too many "helpful suggestions"! Ask "would you like me to find out about x y z?" rather than leaping in with "there's this wonderful new gizmo/medication/facility I've heard all about - "

Just be there.

That you've already thought to ask about this incredibly important point makes me sure you are going to be a Grade A friend to your friend. Bless you and your kind.

Oh! - and be a her friend to her mother, too. Treat her like an ordinary grown up and not like a little old lady. I was just mulling over which of my circle were the people I was most pleased to see, and that's what stood out about them.

What a wonderful friend you are!

I wish someone would offer to help me.  I have no one, or no one who cares enough to do this.  Of course, I am the only one who can sign paperwork because I am the POA and Guardian, and I am on 24/7 call, so it is really a pipe dream.

Is there anything I can do for you?

Would you like me to watch gram for the day so you can go out with your son for the day? It was very hard raising a boy and taking care of my gram at the same time. Many times I missed out on his sporting events, school events, and time together. Before taking care of gram I always had an active relationship with my son.

As a friend, I would let her know anytime she needs to vent you are there for her. Most of the time we just want others to listen to what's going on in our lives and what stresses us. She probably needs you especially if she is new to caregiving.

the best thing i guess you can give a friend is listening to her just the fact that you've posted here shows how much you care and i bet she knows too

When I was taking care of my Mom I wished people would ask me something totally uncaregiving related to take my mind off of things. A good joke..........anything.

Anything I can do to give you a little break. When you have absolutely no support from family. Hearing that would totally feel great.

Most people ask caregivers how the person they are caring for is. Very few people think of the caregiver, how they are feeling or ask how they are. Ask your friend how SHE is before you ask her how her parents are. I have lost count of the number of people who ask me how my parents are and never bother asking how I am even though I am on the point of collapse and bursting into tears more and more these days. Your friend may feel like this and somebody taking the time to ask how SHE is can make all the difference.

If you can in any way, help your friend. Be there for her at the end of the phone, bring her grocery shopping, help weed her garden, anything you can do for her if you can spare the time. Be there for her because as we know here, an awful lot of "friends" bail when we are forced to dedicate ourselves to elderly parents and aren't available to go out any more.

Ask your friend how she is, ask if she needs any help and if she does need help follow up on your request. If you can advise her on her parents please do. Be there for her on this long hard journey. We all know how hard it is to get support from friends and family on this journey and one good supportive friend means so much.

It's so heartwarming metoo, that you even care enough to ask. It may not even be what you say, as your ability to listen and be there with empathy. I increasingly fear burning people out when I vent. And I expect family, like my out of town sister, to at least RESPOND somehow. I have found it SO annoying, and SO agitating when I share a concern or update and there is ZERO response. I feel so ignored, and unsupported. I realize there is not much she can do from the distance, but I am the one stuck with the load and the hassles. So even when she responds with an "oy." At least I know she has seen what I've said. Are you brave? Could you stay with her loved one and give her a break? We are reaching the point where mom simply will not be able to be left alone...so someone offering to come by regularly would be a big help...someone to hang out while dad goes to play golf...It's horrible to have to ask for help, to impose, to be needy. Even right now we are part of a caregiving program, and we are paying $20/hr for help and I like the aide so much I am uncomfortable asking HER to do some light housekeeping which would be a big help to me. You are a good friend and she's lucky to have you. Hanging in there with her and listeneing may be the most meaningful thing you can do.

If you really want to help, don't ask but tell her you are going to sit with her Dad, come visit her and bring dinner, etc. I have people ask me what can they do and I find it hard to ask someone to do these things but would love it if they did. The only thing you should ask is when is the best time for me to do this.

People mean well when they say "if you need anything, just let me know" but I'm not going to call you and tell you to please come over and just sit with me or pick up something for me. Your friend may be different but that's how I feel and my perspective on how to help.

I wish someone would have come for coffee and a chat and maybe bring a pie. It was especially rough while I was caring for my mom when she was bedridden in my home and I had some health issues during this time. Instead, mostly I got "call me when you are ready to go out", or bragging about their vacations since their care giving days were short and ended, or people disappeared entirely. I didn't expect anyone to do hands on care for my mom, just a chat would have been nice.

It would be nice to hear "What can I do for you personally?" "How can I help you?" "I know how difficult your job [as caregiver] is." "Can I do something to give you a break?" I'm mentioning these things from the perspective of being a caregiver to my wife who has many physical infirmities as well as dementia. And even more important, I do NOT want any criticism of what I am doing as a caregiver, such as what I get from my wife's two grown sons who do absolutely nothing to help in any manner at all. I get lots of help from my family and kids and I appreciate it so much. Even just an acknowledgement of my efforts means a world of difference. Lastly, maybe look into local support resources for your caregiver friend. I've been surprised by how much is available. Sometimes the caregiver is just so overwhelmed to think about other resources.

Some meaningful answers here for sure...
As difficult as it is to ask for help, it is so important that we learn to do so... It is truly a sign of self-care when we, the caregivers, can state clearly what we need that would be helpful. It doesn't matter how seemingly small the request may be, it is imperative that we ask.
Asking for help isn't a sign of weakness or inability, it's actually a sign of strength and empowerment.
It's wonderful when friends or family ask what it is we need, but often times (as has been expressed in other answers) people don't always think to ask. As long as things seem taken care of, they can go blithely along in their own lives and perceptions.
Asking for help, support, guidance, encouragement, etc. takes courage... we're stepping out of our own "comfort"/"familiar" zone... Start with a small ask, just to get the feel of it and increase your chances of getting the help you need... it might be picking up a prescription, or stopping by for a visit, or bringing lunch... etc... then you can move on to more significant requests...
It is imperative that caregivers take as good care of themselves as we do of those we love... and we breathe...

I'm an only child with no children and live alone and my 92 year old Dad is an only child. My friends know what I deal with and yes I have hired help as well as Dad being a vet receiving up to 10 hours a week of someone there. Dad is mobile but dementia. I have to manage the people, his place, bills, his life, appointments, etc..

I wish someone would say hey I will pick up some lunch and bring over when you are visiting your Dad.

Someone who would stop over when I am there just to help clean up a little.

An offer to make a meal for me that I could bring to Dads.

An offer to stop at the store an pick up a few things and I would pay them.

I have close friends who support me by having me over for dinner and that is a welcoming break.

Friends listen and support but doing is the value

Truly - I appreciate it a great deal when someone actually asks me - HOW AM I DOING? Usually - it's always - how's your mom? A couple of times over 15 years my brother actually stated that I had my hands full with her and they he appreciated all that I did - yep you heard that correctly. Only two affirmatives in 15 years! She's now 92 and I'm getting more and more exhausted and I have reached out for help. I'm now getting ready to sit her down and tell her that she needs to hire some help. I'm her personal assistant, companion, healthcare assistant, and I also work full time, take care of a home, yard and I have some health issues of my own to take care of. My stress level is very high.

Recently my brother passed and there was a lot of emotional fall out over that. She's definitely going down hill and needs some help but it's expensive. But yes just call, show up and bring something. A meal, a card - money for an outing if possible. A plant and conversation.

Just the fact that you are considerate enough to ask that question says everything about you. In my caregiving years, I personally would've liked someone to ask to just have a cup of coffee for fifteen minutes without feeling I was "whining." Hugs for your kindness. ..

I haven't read all the answers, but just a few...enough to realize that we as caregivers, want people to do--not ask. Most of the people who called to see how my husband was doing would ask if there was anything they could do...or worse. They would say "If there is anything I can do, call me". Neither response is welcomed nor can we respond. At least, I couldn't. What can you do? I have so much going on and you expect me to stop and figure out what you can do? If I have to call you, I probably won't. I'll just do it myself rather than bother you because I don't know where you are or what you're involved in at the moment. It is SO MUCH kinder and appreciated if you do something for the caregiver. A meal, stay with the loved one for an hour or so (then, I'll be able to plan around your offer!) How kind and comforting to have the offer. Send a card every month (even if that's the only thing you do). In over 6 years that my husband was ill, he received cards once a year on his birthday. Oh how a card or a call at random times throughout the year would have brightened his day! Yes! A card for the caregiver would be wonderful too. Thinking of you. Also, the caregiver's social life is gone. No one thinks of inviting the CG out to dinner, to a movie...or bring a movie and dinner over for everyone to enjoy. I could go on and on, but it just makes me sad that people forget about the caregiver and the loved one. I won't go on any longer about how overwhelming it is and how a CG's world is reduced. I do want to say you are a wonderful, caring, thoughtful friend and I pray that you take those steps to help your friend remain joyful in her life. You are an angel. Hugs to you. (and yes keep hugging your friend as well :-)

"When can I visit and what can I bring/do?" I took care of my mother for about 20 years. The last three she was in Assisted Living (when she wasn't in rehab or ER). As others here know, that doesn't end your work. I really appreciated it most of all when people visited my mother (at decent times) or even sent her a note. I was her only social contact and it's wearing. She was pretty deaf so visiting could be hard. I continued to suggest that people visit mid afternoon when time hung heavy for her. I also suggested bringing photos, of family, their own trips, pets, especially things from my mother's own past. Even a simple board game. Or push her wheelchair around the facility to see displays. Very few people listened to me, then told me it was too hard to visit or she didn't want them. Of course she doesn't want a visitor when she's getting a shower or medical care in the morning or getting ready for bed!!! Those who listened were able to relax and listen to stories prompted by the pictures. My mother was in a good mood and my life was easier for a time as a result.

I wish someone would ask me "Would you like a weekend to yourself?" Almost every weekend since my stepfather passed in 2003 has been commandeered by my mother. My brother and sister 'have their own lives' and can't be bothered with mom unless there is money involved.

In the case of your friend who, by the way, is very lucky to have you, just a couple of hours respite from caregiving so that she could go get a haircut, go to the beach, window shop, take a nap, do errands, go for a walk or any little thing most people take for granted would probably be so appreciated.

I love it when people ask how my husband is and then ask how I am holding up and they take time to just listen without offering advice.  Just simply showing an understanding that he is the ill one but that it is hard on me as well.  It matters!

I wish anyone interacting with my MIL would ask "Are there any things that I can help you reinforce when I visit/talk with your loved one?"

If the family is at the point that AL or some sort of placement is near, I would much rather help encourage that, than tell my friend's dad "What a great job you are doing here on you own Bob!" -- that just undermines the family. Bob hears "You are fine, you can keep on living here, you got this!"

If mom keeps leaving her cane behind and walking, and she is supposed to be using it all the time -- I'd rather I know, then I can encourage "Sally, don't forget to grab your cane before you go to the kitchen" She can fuss, and I can maybe give a few words of "Why" that the family has shared with me . . . ."you wouldn't want to fall again, remember when you broke your hip and had to be in the hospital and rehab for so long?"

Grma always "Forgets" to wear her alert pendant ("I don't need that, I'm not going to fall"). . . "Gee Gertie, I see your necklace on the coffee table, let me help you put that on. I sure was glad to have mine on when I fell in the kitchen a few weeks ago. They helped me to call my son and he came and got me up and settled into my chair" Or some other story of it saving the day - to reinforce, "you don't know when you will fall - better to have it on."

As family/caregivers we fight so many small battles, and a well placed conversation with an "outsider" can either help us in our fight, or set us so, so far back :(

Just yesterday in the grocery, MIL was being stubborn and refused to push *just* the cart OR the walker . . . . .was trying to manhandle them both through WalMart. It was way too much, (and a fall/trip hazard *sigh*) and by the time we left (3 hours later) she was barely able to walk, crying out in pain every other step.

So many people just saw a sweet little old lady, hobbling along. Quite a few looked concerned, and I would catch their eye from behind her and say "I'm with her" They looked relieved, but still several said "Gee, you are doing good there!" NO she is doing STUPID there and going to pay for it for days. But everyone who said that, just confirmed for her, that she was perfectly fine. It couldn't be further from the truth *sigh*