It has now come down to not only do I pay the bills for her, now I have to give her money on hand so that she can feel better by having cash around. We have taken cash out from her account numerous times and she always loses it, now she lost her debit card and now she is crying that she's not allowed to have cash. She has more in bank than me and my husband together who both work yet also both have bills: mortgage, car loans, light bill, water, food (a big one for 6 people), student loans, streaming services, other than those my husband has several bills that are his. I try to pay mom's bills out of her account unless she can't find her card and this is happening more and more frequently. She also thinks people are taking her things. Usually we find it after cleaning a bit but not always. "People" include the members of the house, and even strangers that may sneak into the house and steal things leaving their presence undetectable. This in and of itself is driving me crazy. Also me having to work leaves her home alone all day she has free reign of the house and many items go missing or misplaced due to them being moved around randomly. I am afraid to even have a caregiver who I do not know in my house while I am at work but I need to do something. Also she goes into days on end of refusing meds randomly or deciding to start taking them, all this can't be good and I keep thinking it's going to end worse than it is. Sorry for the rant.

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Sounds stressful. It appears that your mom’s situation is already bad. So, you don’t need to think about how much worse it will get before taking action. Start preparing now.

When is the last time that you spoke with your mom’s doctor about her condition? Perhaps her meds need adjusting or she shouldn’t be left alone anymore. I am not telling you to stop your job but look into a caregiver for the hours that you are working. I would also get information on facilities in your community.

Best wishes to you and your family.
Helpful Answer (2)

Oh I think it is perfectly fine to rant- no apologies needed. As your title says, you are at your wits end and you are merely human. Please see an elder care lawyer and see if you can get her into assisted living. She is already too much for you! Deep breathing helps for calming while you make difficult decisions. Do you have friends/siblings with who. You can discuss plans and , yes, rant! Take care of yourself.
someone else contributed this in case you missed it:
No to do list (I have translated it into English. Hope it is ok). 
* try to please everyone
* say yes when I'like saying no
* ignore my needs and my limits
* compare myself to others and judge myself
* wait to be exhausted to rest
* force myself to do what others expect me to do
* underestimate or ignore my emotions
* pretend to be fine when I am not
* wait for someone else to make me happy
Helpful Answer (5)
NeedHelpWithMom Jun 2021
Great list!
See 1 more reply
I'm sorry for your distress and hope you get lots of helpful advice here. I get the impression that you haven't come to grips with how dementia changes our LOs. I think you would benefit from watching some Teepa Snow videos on YouTube. She give excellent explanations of why and how dementia changes our LOs continuously and how to better interact with them so that both can have a better functioning relationship, and less stressful with less contention.

KathleenQ and NeedsHelpWithMom have given wise advice. I hope someone is your mom's Power of Attorney so that someone can legally manage her affairs in her best interests. Also, even if you think your mom has good financial resources now, the cost of care is eye-watering and will drain her in no time, leaving her to need Medicaid (as it does so many others who were financially responsible). The Medicaid application can have a 5-year "lookback" period (depending on her state) so how you manage her funds not must be in a way that will not disqualify her should she need Medicaid. So do invest in a consult with a Medicaid specialist or elder law attorney.
Helpful Answer (0)

You now will have to take matters into your own hands if you are POA and your Mom is incompetent in handling money and cards. As POA you are responsible to do this and to keep meticulous records, also to keep your Mom's money safe if she is not able to handle having it on hand.
If you have not taken care of DPOA and there is no one in charge for Mom guardianship may be the only answer.
Be certain you understand the Fiduciary duties of keeping meticulous records that could stand up in court, and files, receipts, etc. If you feel unable to handle this the State can take guardianship. However, that would mean a paid fiduciary and the handling of placement, bill paying and etc would be out of the hands of the family.
Wishing you good luck.
Helpful Answer (1)

this feels like i wrote it!
i have no answers as im also in the same boat, except im helping my grandma with no other help.

Hang in there and i hope things get better.
Helpful Answer (0)

I read ur profile. We are not a company but a forum of Caregivers who share our experiences and hopefully help people in making decisions. We ask for info so we have an idea of what the person ur caring for is like. It really helps after you post a number if threads.

First, how old is Mom? This really helps in answering questions.

Second, what health problems does she have? I will assume by your post a Dementia is involved?

Third: do u live with her or she with you, her in her own home? Believe me this does make a difference in how we respond.

I will assume here that Mom is showing signs of Dementia. Has she been formally diagnoised? If yes and you have POA, its is now in effect. You are now the adult and she is the child because she can no longer make informed decisions. Money seems to be a big thing with those suffering from Dementia. I never gave Mom money just so she could have it. She had closed her credit cards when Dad passed and had no ATM or debit cards. Your Mom no longer needs them. She lost them, oh well. When u find it, hide it. Keep records and anything you pay out for her reimburse yourself. She must have checks. Write yourself one. Are u on her bank acct? Set up where you can transfer funds. If I pay out of pocket for my nephew, I go in and transfer the amt from his acct to mine. Put the receipt in an envelope with a copy if the transfer. If ever questioned, then I have back up.

I would say you have too much on your plate. Maybe time, if she has the money, to place Mom in an Assisted Living Facility. She will be safe, fed and cared for.

I feel this works better when the child takes control. There is no reasoning with Mom and she has also lost the ability to process what is being said to her. Its now time to fib a little. My Mom would bring up the money thing and I would tell her I had nothing on me (this was really true, I carry very little money on me) and I would try to get to the bank. When she asked again, I would say, need to go to the bank. She understood this and because she never used a debit card didn't realize there was any other option. So with you "Sorry Mom u lost your debit card. No way to get u money".

If you just want to vent thats OK, just tell us ahead ur venting and don't post unwanted info.😊This is a great group and you will learn alot.
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