Hi there
This is my first post but I’ve been a member for around 6 months. I’m in the UK. Dad is 87, been in hospital for 10 weeks due to ongoing UTI’s, falls, etc. He has CKD and an AAA too. He is getting frailer and frailer and it breaks my heart. He was discharged last Tuesday with a reenablement plan - 6 weeks care 4 times a day, OT support. He had a fall on Friday so spent the day in A&E and was mis-prescribed medication which could have caused a collapse. He currently has a catheter - which has leaked the last 4 nights and is being changed.
My mum is bearing the brunt of care and I get she’s frustrated as her life has changed. She’s 82 and has osteoarthritis in her neck. I’m over at least 3 hours each day and if I can’t do it my OH does. ( I’m self employed and move things around as much as I can.)
Yesterday was hard. Mum was yelling at me; the cares not good enough, the equipment is taking over in the house, where are you, when I was in a different room sorting out equipment and deliveries for her, just speaking to me like dirt. Why should we have to pay for care? We can have a fiery relationship at the best of times as she can be a little controlling (my therapist says narcissistic qualities but I have guilt even typing that) My OH is amazing and helps. We’ve been together 30 years, he does her gardening, takes my dad to appts too, yet she doesn’t trust him with a key to their house in case of emergency. (I now have a set)
Yesterday I had enough. I set some boundaries - mum I’m leaving in an hour if there’s anything you need doing tell me now (she tells me as I’m walking out the door, always has done) and I won’t be over tomorrow, but ring me if there’s an emergency. She rang this morning saying the carer was late and the night bag needed emptying so we went through that. She rang a little later and said don’t worry about coming over today as your dad wants to rest and stay in bed; so completely ignored my comment about not coming over today because I have to work (I have work overdue now by 4 weeks)
Even though I’m not there, I’ll be sorting out presecriptions chasing up memory clinic appts all that stuff that just magically happens without mum raising a finger.
So after my rant and release! My question is what do you do on one of those days? Any advice and tips is greatly appreciated. Whatever my feelings and frustrations are I want to support them as much as I can without getting cranky with them.
im getting the hammer out now!!!!
big love to you all and thanks again 💖
That said, you can't fix this difficult situation with your dad. Your MUM has to reach out for help from qualified pros, and that's not YOU, to help HER along this journey with dad. You devote 3 hours a day to helping out, which is too much as it is, yet mum says it's not enough. Your work is backlogged by 4 weeks and you're here wanting to know what MORE you can do? Nothing. Step BACK now. Figure out what resources you can give mum the phone numbers for, then give them to her. Make yourself available to her for X amount of time X days per week and no more. If there is a REAL emergency, of course you can avail yourself, but she can also call emergency services in the UK, right? An ambulance can come pick dad up and transport him to the hospital. Tell mum you'll pick up prescriptions and do XY&Z but no more. That you have a job to attend to which requires the rest of your time, period. Your OH should look into gardening SERVICES for your folks while the two of you spend that time together reconnecting. When you get home, turn your phone to vibrate and get some DOWN time to recoup. You need it. Burn out is real and so is compassion fatigue, Google it.
Mum needs to look into placement for dad or live in help to give HER a break.
In the meantime, after a particularly rough day, go outside with a hammer and hammer up some wood into splinters. I used to do that when my son was an infant and screamed all day non=stop with colic. I was SO frustrated that I couldn't help him, so I'd put him in his crib for 20 minutes and go into the garage and hammer up the old wooden shelves we had in there. It felt good to get out my frustrations that way.
Wishing you the best of luck setting down some boundaries with your mum and making up some rules as to how much you will and won't do for her.
This perhaps is not the answer you were looking for, but sometimes you have to face the reality of the situation and do what's best for all involved.
I wish you and your parents the very best.
I don’t know what to do anymore!