What do I say when mother asks what's wrong with her?

My Mom is also aware that something is wrong and she always says to me "I'm losing my mind"...   I have a bunch of different replies.   Sometimes I say to her that I don't remember everything either or not remembering is part of getting older.    Or that she has a disease of her brain and she's lucky that this happened late in her life (she's 93 now).  

Then there are times she gets scared and I try to comfort her and tell her I'm always there for her.

When pops asks why he can't remember or becomes angry that he is being told something that he doesn't remember we try to address what he's really expressing and that's usually fear. It is terrifying to even consider that what you think is reality might not be. It is terrifying to have to decide whether or not the familiar strangers around you are lying to you or telling you the truth. For Pops it was all about allowing him to believe what he believes whenever possible and reassure him that we are here to help him, protect him and enjoy his life on his terms. If that means he believes someone is moving his shoes around then we tell him it's a hide and seek game and we all start searching and playing etc. We've had a lot of years to develop techniques that work. It's not always easy and the same thing we did yesterday might not work today. (hugs) good luck on the journey to figuring it all out.

My mom had a stroke and was left with aphasia so it's easier for her to think about it that way though we all know she has dementia as well. It is hard to know what is at play though often so we just remind her that her brain isn't getting enough oxygen so it's processing slower. Then we remind her she needs more water and exercise to help get the blood flowing which will help her thinking. Depends on the day whether thinking clearer is worth getting up and doing some walking or not...but it does help.

My brother also started referring to her "bewitching hour" and she knows as well as we do that after 6pm it's usually not even worth trying to do anything important, she accepts this as her brain and body just being too tired after 6pm and we have all started referring to her bewitching hour to lighten the mood or conversation. Humor helps a lot if you can use it and they can appreciate it.

My mom, who had vascular dementia, would ask this. I would tell her that she'd had a stroke. She was surprised by this information every time I told it to her.

Hugs! Sad. My godmother with ALZ used to get confused and did not recognize anyone. She asked everyone who visited her in the NH who they were.

We could tell it bothered her but like you we were at a loss as to how to keep explaining it to her. She couldn’t understand why she couldn’t remember anything. Was awful to witness.

My mom doesn't ask anymore, but when she did I would tell her she has a memory problem. Using the word dementia in my opinion can cause anxiety and upset and loss of hope/will. She was told back when she was diagnosed, so this is not keeping information from her, but no need to hurt, scare, upset her over and over again.

The long explanation I give my mom is that imagine your mind is like a room filled with filing cabinets. All your memories are all neatly filed away with neatly labelled file folders for each memory. Then somehow the files are all mixed up and the labels are lost and now you don't know which file is what or even what cabinet they belong in. Some of the files you may be able to find everything that was in them and re-label the folder and file it away, but some will never be recreated. They are just missing for good. I told her that is how her mind is. It is searching for a certain memory but it can't find where it is in order to access it. Some memories will be accessed and some never will. She seemed to accept this simplified explanation.

With my mother who wanted to know what was going on with her brain. What was dementia? How is it affecting her brain? I explained the disease and what it was doing? That wasn't either enough or she couldn't understanding what I was tell her. So I drew a picture of the brain and divided it into the different parts then I just made little blue dots for the neurons. Then I drew blue lines with some black lines with some gray shading. My drawing looks like a forth grader, but I was able to explain what was going on at a much lower level and she understood and seemed satisfy with my answers.

Could you do something like that? It doesn't have to be perfect. You could just divide the brain into sections and write words like 'memory' in one part of the section and 'balance' in another. Make it plan and simple. You could then just write little notes around or on the side of the picture about what you have said to her or how you want to explain it to her. Or how much love is around her. You could also do one up and draw in little red or pink dots for the fighting or good neurons.

It is just a thought to help you explain it. I do realize she will forget, but maybe it will be easier for you to explain it to her.

I am sorry that your mom has to go through this. It is one thing to have dementia, but its another to be aware of something being wrong and not understanding it:(

Depending on her sense of humor you could say she is getting oldtymers and it is going around.

I worked with a 70 year old woman and she would say that when she forgot something, there's that oldtymers again. We all were able to laugh and help her with whatever it was. We all used it about ourselves as well.

To much seriousness over the unchangeable can create unnecessary anxiety.

Don't minimize the situation but treat it with lightness.

I think that no matter what answer you provide, you'll likely have to repeat it over and over, because, she'll forget. And, no answer may really satisfy her. Most of the people that I know who have dementia are not cognitively able to process that they have dementia. AND, if they do, they forget it. So, it's a matter of continually reminding them. That's awfully tough on a person and I chose not to go that route.

With my LO, even though her doctor and neurologist told her that she had dementia, she would forget and ask about her confusion, memory, poor balance, etc. I focused on the positive, so, I'd say that her memory was poor, but, we were working on that with vitamins, medication, proper nutrition, physical therapy, doctor's care, etc. With her incontinence, I said that no one has a perfect bladder. This made her feel positive about her condition and gave her comfort. Of course, eventually, she didn't realize that there was anything wrong with her and she never asked questions about her condition again.

Perhaps just an acknowledgement, something like " yeah, that darned dementia is acting up again, but don't worry mom I'm here to help".

Atleast your mother is acknowledging that something is wrong. I have the same problem, but just the opposite. We know something's wrong with my mom but she has no clue that something is wrong and then tells us that we're the crazy ones! She is seeing people in the house that aren't there and getting mad at my dad for letting these strangers in. It's REALLY hard on my dad. Right now we're just trying to figure out how we can get her to the doctor because she refuses to go. About your mom, I would just hold her hand, look into her eyes, and let her know that you are there for her and that everything will be alright. This is a terrible thing, watching our mothers go through this and what worries me as well is wondering if I will get this horrible disease too...Hang in there and pray.

Thank you. I guess I'm surprised at the fact that she knows she is having a problem. At first, she seemed totally unaware that she couldn't remember things, now "There's something wrong with me." I can't begin to imagine how frightening it must be for her...and that's what I'm having trouble being OK with...her awareness that something's wrong.

Many of us are dealing with repetitive conversations. It's a bit maddening, but has to be dealt with somehow.

I would say keep giving her a simple answer like what you said you tell her.

It's not surprising that she's still frustrated and you have to find a way to be OK with that.