What do I say when mother asks what's wrong with her?

Many of us are dealing with repetitive conversations. It's a bit maddening, but has to be dealt with somehow.

I would say keep giving her a simple answer like what you said you tell her.

It's not surprising that she's still frustrated and you have to find a way to be OK with that.

Thank you. I guess I'm surprised at the fact that she knows she is having a problem. At first, she seemed totally unaware that she couldn't remember things, now "There's something wrong with me." I can't begin to imagine how frightening it must be for her...and that's what I'm having trouble being OK with...her awareness that something's wrong.

Atleast your mother is acknowledging that something is wrong. I have the same problem, but just the opposite. We know something's wrong with my mom but she has no clue that something is wrong and then tells us that we're the crazy ones! She is seeing people in the house that aren't there and getting mad at my dad for letting these strangers in. It's REALLY hard on my dad. Right now we're just trying to figure out how we can get her to the doctor because she refuses to go. About your mom, I would just hold her hand, look into her eyes, and let her know that you are there for her and that everything will be alright. This is a terrible thing, watching our mothers go through this and what worries me as well is wondering if I will get this horrible disease too...Hang in there and pray.

Perhaps just an acknowledgement, something like " yeah, that darned dementia is acting up again, but don't worry mom I'm here to help".

I think that no matter what answer you provide, you'll likely have to repeat it over and over, because, she'll forget. And, no answer may really satisfy her. Most of the people that I know who have dementia are not cognitively able to process that they have dementia. AND, if they do, they forget it. So, it's a matter of continually reminding them. That's awfully tough on a person and I chose not to go that route.

With my LO, even though her doctor and neurologist told her that she had dementia, she would forget and ask about her confusion, memory, poor balance, etc. I focused on the positive, so, I'd say that her memory was poor, but, we were working on that with vitamins, medication, proper nutrition, physical therapy, doctor's care, etc. With her incontinence, I said that no one has a perfect bladder. This made her feel positive about her condition and gave her comfort. Of course, eventually, she didn't realize that there was anything wrong with her and she never asked questions about her condition again.

Depending on her sense of humor you could say she is getting oldtymers and it is going around.

I worked with a 70 year old woman and she would say that when she forgot something, there's that oldtymers again. We all were able to laugh and help her with whatever it was. We all used it about ourselves as well.

To much seriousness over the unchangeable can create unnecessary anxiety.

Don't minimize the situation but treat it with lightness.

With my mother who wanted to know what was going on with her brain. What was dementia? How is it affecting her brain? I explained the disease and what it was doing? That wasn't either enough or she couldn't understanding what I was tell her. So I drew a picture of the brain and divided it into the different parts then I just made little blue dots for the neurons. Then I drew blue lines with some black lines with some gray shading. My drawing looks like a forth grader, but I was able to explain what was going on at a much lower level and she understood and seemed satisfy with my answers.

Could you do something like that? It doesn't have to be perfect. You could just divide the brain into sections and write words like 'memory' in one part of the section and 'balance' in another. Make it plan and simple. You could then just write little notes around or on the side of the picture about what you have said to her or how you want to explain it to her. Or how much love is around her. You could also do one up and draw in little red or pink dots for the fighting or good neurons.

It is just a thought to help you explain it. I do realize she will forget, but maybe it will be easier for you to explain it to her.

I am sorry that your mom has to go through this. It is one thing to have dementia, but its another to be aware of something being wrong and not understanding it:(

My mom doesn't ask anymore, but when she did I would tell her she has a memory problem. Using the word dementia in my opinion can cause anxiety and upset and loss of hope/will. She was told back when she was diagnosed, so this is not keeping information from her, but no need to hurt, scare, upset her over and over again.

The long explanation I give my mom is that imagine your mind is like a room filled with filing cabinets. All your memories are all neatly filed away with neatly labelled file folders for each memory. Then somehow the files are all mixed up and the labels are lost and now you don't know which file is what or even what cabinet they belong in. Some of the files you may be able to find everything that was in them and re-label the folder and file it away, but some will never be recreated. They are just missing for good. I told her that is how her mind is. It is searching for a certain memory but it can't find where it is in order to access it. Some memories will be accessed and some never will. She seemed to accept this simplified explanation.

Hugs! Sad. My godmother with ALZ used to get confused and did not recognize anyone. She asked everyone who visited her in the NH who they were.

We could tell it bothered her but like you we were at a loss as to how to keep explaining it to her. She couldn’t understand why she couldn’t remember anything. Was awful to witness.

My mom, who had vascular dementia, would ask this. I would tell her that she'd had a stroke. She was surprised by this information every time I told it to her.

My mom had a stroke and was left with aphasia so it's easier for her to think about it that way though we all know she has dementia as well. It is hard to know what is at play though often so we just remind her that her brain isn't getting enough oxygen so it's processing slower. Then we remind her she needs more water and exercise to help get the blood flowing which will help her thinking. Depends on the day whether thinking clearer is worth getting up and doing some walking or not...but it does help.

My brother also started referring to her "bewitching hour" and she knows as well as we do that after 6pm it's usually not even worth trying to do anything important, she accepts this as her brain and body just being too tired after 6pm and we have all started referring to her bewitching hour to lighten the mood or conversation. Humor helps a lot if you can use it and they can appreciate it.

When pops asks why he can't remember or becomes angry that he is being told something that he doesn't remember we try to address what he's really expressing and that's usually fear. It is terrifying to even consider that what you think is reality might not be. It is terrifying to have to decide whether or not the familiar strangers around you are lying to you or telling you the truth. For Pops it was all about allowing him to believe what he believes whenever possible and reassure him that we are here to help him, protect him and enjoy his life on his terms. If that means he believes someone is moving his shoes around then we tell him it's a hide and seek game and we all start searching and playing etc. We've had a lot of years to develop techniques that work. It's not always easy and the same thing we did yesterday might not work today. (hugs) good luck on the journey to figuring it all out.

My Mom is also aware that something is wrong and she always says to me "I'm losing my mind"...   I have a bunch of different replies.   Sometimes I say to her that I don't remember everything either or not remembering is part of getting older.    Or that she has a disease of her brain and she's lucky that this happened late in her life (she's 93 now).  

Then there are times she gets scared and I try to comfort her and tell her I'm always there for her.

Because my mother could remember things from long ago, I often brought her pictures or objects from the past. I loved hearing her stories and she loved telling them. If they were wrong, who cares? When she forgot recent things and asked me what was wrong, I'd say " your short memory isn't working so well because it's crowded with your old memories. I depend on you to tell me about the past." Or just "Your short term memory is rusty, but your long term memory is excellent." Then distract.

Hi Mamachar. My Mom asks sometimes what is the matter with me. Why can’t I remember things. Why won’t my legs work today. I don’t mention dementia or alz. Over the years Dr’s have used those words so she has been told, however she became so upset I don’t see the need to repeat them over and over. I explain that something is happening in her brain. And I name our relatives with MS and Parkinsons and explain those are conditions with something happening in the brain also. I want her to understand that others have issues too. Then I follow up with how sorry I am that this is happening to her as well and reassure her that I will be here to help her. So I acknowledge her concerns, make her feel not alone, and reassure to calm her. It works well for us. Best of luck.

Thank you all for your responses...somehow it makes me feel validated in feeling helpless? :)
Like Sweetstuff, 12LittlePaws and others suggested, I've stopped mentioning the word dementia and now stick with her simply having problems with her memory. Sunnygirl1, I love your compassion and focus on the positive. I have used this technique and it seems to be very comforting (to both of us).
Blessings to all of you who share in this journey. May the lessons of compassion, patience, acceptance and love nurture our weary souls.

"Mom, we all get old, even my memory is not so good anymore...."xx

I always tried to be honest with my Dad without usual medical terms. That seemed to upset him more and he would call himself 'useless' or 'a burden'.

I used to say, you have a memory problem. It's not your fault and it happens to a lot of us and there are good days and bad days. They can't fix it, but we're going to hang in until they figure out how to.

Just remember, I'm incredibly proud of you. You're always going to be a good person; you're kind and thoughtful and nothing is ever going to take that away from you. Let's build some fun memories today if we can.

My doctor told me that people with dementia often remember things very clearly from when they were very young so I would try to lead him gently into telling me stories from his childhood. I would get to hear stories from his grade school, or high school, or the day he joined the Army. It made him feel better that those memories were so sharp and clear. I think it gave him a little sense of control in a scary situation.

On bad days the doctor told me to use his childhood name because it would feel so familiar to him. So Jimmy it was, those days. I would put on old music - they can usually remember all the words. Or I would make a dinner that he was very familiar with. Meatloaf was a huge comfort on a day when things felt scrambled.

I would never lie, I just tried to emphasize the memories that were clear. Even putting out an old brand of aftershave or perfume can bring a sense of calm because sense memory stays strong.

I hope that this helps.

"Let's find out what's bothering you." Schedule a neuropsychological evaluation. Let a professional diagnose her dementia, explain and treat it. Many times this has a specific cause and can be controlled or the progression slowed, improving quality of life for Mom and reducing stress for you.

One of the worst things is to 'reassure' them that there's nothing wrong. She knows there's something wrong, she knows her mind used to work better, she misses her misplaced competence -- so telling her she's 'fine' just makes her distrust you and feel that you don't (or won't) understand her.

Acknowledging that this is hard can help. Don't pretend that it's just normal aging, though -- she knows her friends weren't having this much trouble, and she knows that most of them don't come around anymore. She may even have a glimmer of the things she did or didn't do that made many relationships fall away. If those around her pretend that everything's fine, it just adds to her frustration.

Validating her perceptions -- "I know it's frustrating for you when you can't find something" -- and letting her know you're here to help, or watch over her, or keep her out of trouble, or whatever the present concern is -- those are the things that are must helpful.

And then, change the subject in a direct and fairly radical way. Put on some music from her youth, or take her into another room as if something sudden, and normal, is causing the move. "I just heard the dryer stop, would you help me fold the laundry?" or "We're out of milk, will you come to the store with me?" can completely distract her from whatever was upsetting her in the moment.

If there's another person available, the fastest way to interrupt the pattern of her upset is for another person to come by and start a different conversation, because she probably will quickly lose the thread of what she was talking about with you.

So -- help her keep calm by helping her get out of her emotional upset, but don't pretend this isn't happening. She doesn't need the bigs words or a long explanation, but she knows something is wrong.

My mom has been fishing for specific words, people's names, etc. for a number of years now, and I've always just said, "Well, Ma, you're 86 now (or whatever her age was at the time)" and that suited her for a while.

It's been getting worse lately, so I've graduated to, "Your brain is so tied up with just getting your body to work properly (she's severely disabled), it's shoved what it thinks is the trivial stuff into the background. It's concentrating on getting your internal organs to work, and sending the right messages so that you can manage to put one foot in front of the other." That made sense to her, and it's eased her frustration on a number of occasions.

Also, when I help her find whatever she's fishing for, and she says, "Yes! That's it!" it's the perfect opportunity for me to say, "See? It was still there; it just took a little extra work to get it out."

I've never mentioned the "D" word because, knowing her, it would send her off the deep end. She's upset enough with her physical disabilities as it is, and as far as she's concerned, her brain is the only thing she has left. To think that it, too, would be "going" would be too much for her to handle.

This is a tough one. It's all dependent on your mom's personality, the severity of her condition, and what she is best able to comprehend and accept. I hope you can find something that will work for you and your mom.

I give my mom the exact answer you give your mother. Every day.

After my mom’s PCP lengthy explanation, my mom retained only that she had “black holes” in her brain and that terrified her. When she would get agitated she would repeat it. My only response was that we would figure it out together and that we would make the necessary adjustments as we went along. I think the “together” was what she needed to hear.

What you are doing is just right. Tell her this condition is perfectly normal for someone her age. After you answer her, try to divert her attention to something else immediately, to break the chain of cyclical perseveration/repetition. Use one of her 5 senses, play soft music, spray a calming fragrance, give her something soft to hold, a colorful magazine to look at, a piece of fruit.

I always say - "yes, you are losing your memory but that is just old age. It happens!" I haven't used dementia or Alzheimer's as those are "scary" words. I think they know - and when they say it our fault as someone mentioned, that person knows too - he or she is just not acknowledging it.

My dad has vascular dementia. One morning he woke up and asked my daughter (who lives with him) "WHERE'S MY WIFE !" Since that Sept last year he does not remember all the people who have passed away which is his whole family (6 brothers and sisters) and my mom and brothers. He will ask where they are, sometimes say "are they dead?" and then I have to maneuver around that question. He will say "I'm losing my d**n mind!" and he'll ask "why wasn't I there?" "how come I don't remember that?" (death or funeral, etc). I tell him the strokes have damaged the part of his brain that remembers that stuff. It's true. And he's an alcoholic. We control his beer to 2 a day now. But I told him last weekend "the alcohol causes your blood pressure to rise and that can cause a stroke. Do you want to end up in a nursing home? " (answer NO!) well, that's why we only give you a beer after lunch and after dinner, doctors orders. It's so sad to hear him so confused and upset. I've done the Therapeutic Fib and sometimes that works too. I think for someone with Alz or other dementias saying it's just old age is a good idea. Not so scary.

My mom was her father's caregiver and saw dementia first hand. She is aware that she has it but somehow got the impression that it could be cured. I explained to her that certain medications that weren't available to my grandfather were available that could slow the progression, but that there really is no cure and that is why she is in memory care. Despite my repeated requests, her doctor never would put her on the medication, telling me she was fine and I was making too much of her memory loss. The first time she wandered away and my neighbor called me at work to let me know she had found her, I called the doctor and asked if he still thought she was okay. He admitted she probably wasn't but still wouldn't prescribe the medications for her. He retired shortly after and we took her to a geriatric specialist, who also declined to put her on the meds. She's been on a downhill slope ever since. We do encourage her to participate in the memory activities and the exercise classes at her facility to keep her mind and body active. Rather than argue with her when she gets minor details/memories wrong, we just say, "okay Mom." When she asks questions about things like when her parents died, we give her the info, writing it down if she asks us to. It's definitely worrisome to her, but we do whatever we can to keep her calm and help her through.

Tell her the truth and keep telling her the truth when she asks. Poor Mom had dementia and other issues. She would ask the same question. She KNEW something was wrong. Like you, I would tell her the truth and keep telling it. Ripped my heart out every time. She nodded her head like she understood and accepted it. Eventually she stopped asking.

You are giving her the only answers there really are. And as you said, she doesn't remember them. So just acknowledge how hard it is not to remember, and that it is just "what happens to us with age" as you are doing. You are doing it right as it can be done.

My family member will say, "I'm losing my mind," but if anyone suggests she is getting forgetful she becomes very defensive ("No I'm not!") and denies she has any problem. She is scared to death of the D word because she saw her brother decline with dementia. This is to me the saddest time: the person knows there is a problem and is scared to death of what it might mean. I just say, Yes, we're all getting older and we all forget things. And I tell her, "If you develop dementia we will take be here for you as we were for Mom. Everything will be okay."