What do I say when mother asks what's wrong with her?

I tell my Mom 'I guess you're having a Senior Moment - I have them, too! Between the two of us, we will sort it out.' We have a little laugh and move on. Humor, often times, works for us.

I'm so sorry you and your mother are going through this. For what it's worth, your situation is a mirror image of mine and my 96 year old mother's. The dementia is pretty much as you have described it - she doesn't remember my response 5 minutes after I give it, and typically it is much like yours. Until she started saying that she doesn't trust anything she thinks or remembers anymore, she was a lot more beligerant - "my memory isn't bad, stop saying I can't recall, you weren't here, you don't know what happened", etc., etc., etc. She still gets mad over some perceived slight by an aide or resident at her AL, but typically the response to her asking "why can't I recall that you just said that" of "your memory isn't as good as it used to be, but neither is mine" usually suffices and calms her. Sending much love and lots of hugs to you - this stuff is hard.

It seems to me that you should give your Mom an answer that you know will be as comforting and reassuring as possible. And realize she probably won't remember what you said at a later date. It not easy. I empathize with your dilemma,

When my Mom would ask "what's wrong with me?" I would ask her "Why do you ask?" or "What are you feeling?" or "What do You feel is different about yourself?" I would try my best to get her to verbalize what changes she felt, perceived, or thought were happening. Often these answers surprised me, and would allow me to provide additional insight to her caregivers and doctors.

I am registered nurse, and so is my mother. Even though we both were trained with the medical knowledge to understand an explanation of dementia, I know she is no longer able to comprehend this explanation...much less how it applies to her.

No matter what she asked, I always did provide her reassurance that I would be there for her, get her any help she needed, and always love her. Everyone has to navigate this pervasive challenge differently depending on their loved one's level of anxiety and level of impairment. Sometimes just holding Mom's hand and telling her "I'm not sure what's wrong, but I promise we will figure this out together" is all she needed to relax, and let go of the troubling thoughts she was having at that moment.

My mother has occasionally asked this question; once, she asked if she is "going crazy". I told her her memory isn't what it used to be, and I completely avoid using the "D" word, as I believe it might be perceived as just a synonym for "crazy" although those of us on this forum understand otherwise.

The age old question is probably best answered with a fib - all's A-okay. If you tell your LO the truth, what good would it do?

It's not an easy answer unfortunately. I was Mom's caregiver for 5 years. When Mom would ask that same question, my reply was always - "Your're OK Mom - it's just part of aging - don't worry everything is OK". The thought of saying Alzheimer's or Dementia - I knew deep down would kill her spirit. Some will say "Well, they need to know the truth". You and Only You know your Mom the best, and you will do what is in the best interest for your Mom and not what anyone else says or what you may read. If I could pass along anything, it would be - Have Patience-make Mom as comfortable as possible and continue to Love Her, and that's all we can do. It's a horrible disease and Hopefully someday a cure will be found, Take Care...........

ALL THE TIME. And, while it is so monotonous for us, it is, for them, a question that they need to ask to help put things in perspective for however long they remember. It is, in some way, a reassurance that THEY are alright. I've said to my Mom, over and over again, that it's not HER that's "wrong", but her brain, because the dementia is making her brain forget. Then she wants to know if everybody gets this. I tell her no, except that, if people live long enough they will. That it happens, especially when you live a long life. My Mom is 95.
Yes, Mom will backfire with you on some of the reasoning that you use to try to assuage her. And this often caught me by surprise with Mom. While she had dementia, she still, at times, can reason. It's amazing.
Don't try to lead your Mom into believing that her brain/memory/life is okay...because it's not. I offer my Mom the options to believe, if she wants to, that whatever is happening to her is not under her control and that she just needs to roll with the punches. She seems pretty good, so far, with that analogy.
I think, it gives her some confidence that she is in control.
Hang in there, because the same questions will be popping up. Be prepared to answer honestly. In my Mom's case, I believe that she just needs to be reminded that she is going to be alright and that you are doing all you can to see to that.

I think your answers are spot on. The only thing you might want to do would be shorten the explanation. maybe ..."your brain is not working right now but we will work through it together" maybe add "I will help you all I can and keep you safe"
Tell her you understand her frustration. You could even tell her it frustrates you at times as well.
then give her a hug and tell her you love her and reassure her that you will do everything you can for her.

Turn the question around—-with questions for her. Remain calm.

Mom, “What is wrong with me?”
You, “is there something wrong with you?”
Mom, “I can’t think clearly.”
You, “What are you thinking about?”

What she is going through is terribly frightening and she needs constant reassurances.

End by telling her that everything will be okay, you are right by her side, she is loved.

If you tell her a thousand times that she is loved, you will be glad someday that you had the chance.

Mom would always say "everything is upside-down" when she was really confused. I finally just told her that she had a disease that caused her confusion and that seemed to work. She obviously was in the doctor's office when the dementia was diagnosed and was in on all of our discussions but just couldn't remember. I agree that simple answers are best!

When my aunt's dementia began, it was with more good days than bad. She would say had funny feelings in her head (on the coherent days) and would rub her forehead as though she had a headache. Sometimes she said it was like a headache but not like a headache. When I did a little research, there were some comments others felt weird in the head and it seems reasonable that there could be a weird feeling.
What you are saying when she asks is probably best. I wouldn't get into details that may be frightening (when she is understanding what you say). The word Alzheimers, for instance, may be scary during a period she understands thing. My grandmother called it - I'm having a short circuit right now. I know I should know your name, but it just won't come to me right now. Just be brief and move on to another conversation when you can.

"The brain changes as we get older. It happens to all of us."
* short answer(s) are best
* she won't feel so alone
* affirm her frustration and fear reflecting her words back to her as appropriate.
* Express words of comfort and support, such as "I'm here, I'll help you."
* I know some MDs refer to this as a small stroke. Be clear on diagnosis and use your own judgment in 'explaining' to your mom. I believe (I MIGHT BE WRONG HERE, although I have witnessed it) that some MDs DO NOT diagnosis dementia due to costs associated with a diagnosis. The diagnosis might depend on the severity and what kind of dementia. Sometimes I feel I am going down that road (I offer care management) although it could 'just' be anxiety and aging. The brain does change as we age. I am all too aware it is happening to me at age 67.

My family member will say, "I'm losing my mind," but if anyone suggests she is getting forgetful she becomes very defensive ("No I'm not!") and denies she has any problem. She is scared to death of the D word because she saw her brother decline with dementia. This is to me the saddest time: the person knows there is a problem and is scared to death of what it might mean. I just say, Yes, we're all getting older and we all forget things. And I tell her, "If you develop dementia we will take be here for you as we were for Mom. Everything will be okay."

You are giving her the only answers there really are. And as you said, she doesn't remember them. So just acknowledge how hard it is not to remember, and that it is just "what happens to us with age" as you are doing. You are doing it right as it can be done.

Tell her the truth and keep telling her the truth when she asks. Poor Mom had dementia and other issues. She would ask the same question. She KNEW something was wrong. Like you, I would tell her the truth and keep telling it. Ripped my heart out every time. She nodded her head like she understood and accepted it. Eventually she stopped asking.

My mom was her father's caregiver and saw dementia first hand. She is aware that she has it but somehow got the impression that it could be cured. I explained to her that certain medications that weren't available to my grandfather were available that could slow the progression, but that there really is no cure and that is why she is in memory care. Despite my repeated requests, her doctor never would put her on the medication, telling me she was fine and I was making too much of her memory loss. The first time she wandered away and my neighbor called me at work to let me know she had found her, I called the doctor and asked if he still thought she was okay. He admitted she probably wasn't but still wouldn't prescribe the medications for her. He retired shortly after and we took her to a geriatric specialist, who also declined to put her on the meds. She's been on a downhill slope ever since. We do encourage her to participate in the memory activities and the exercise classes at her facility to keep her mind and body active. Rather than argue with her when she gets minor details/memories wrong, we just say, "okay Mom." When she asks questions about things like when her parents died, we give her the info, writing it down if she asks us to. It's definitely worrisome to her, but we do whatever we can to keep her calm and help her through.

My dad has vascular dementia. One morning he woke up and asked my daughter (who lives with him) "WHERE'S MY WIFE !" Since that Sept last year he does not remember all the people who have passed away which is his whole family (6 brothers and sisters) and my mom and brothers. He will ask where they are, sometimes say "are they dead?" and then I have to maneuver around that question. He will say "I'm losing my d**n mind!" and he'll ask "why wasn't I there?" "how come I don't remember that?" (death or funeral, etc). I tell him the strokes have damaged the part of his brain that remembers that stuff. It's true. And he's an alcoholic. We control his beer to 2 a day now. But I told him last weekend "the alcohol causes your blood pressure to rise and that can cause a stroke. Do you want to end up in a nursing home? " (answer NO!) well, that's why we only give you a beer after lunch and after dinner, doctors orders. It's so sad to hear him so confused and upset. I've done the Therapeutic Fib and sometimes that works too. I think for someone with Alz or other dementias saying it's just old age is a good idea. Not so scary.

I always say - "yes, you are losing your memory but that is just old age. It happens!" I haven't used dementia or Alzheimer's as those are "scary" words. I think they know - and when they say it our fault as someone mentioned, that person knows too - he or she is just not acknowledging it.

What you are doing is just right. Tell her this condition is perfectly normal for someone her age. After you answer her, try to divert her attention to something else immediately, to break the chain of cyclical perseveration/repetition. Use one of her 5 senses, play soft music, spray a calming fragrance, give her something soft to hold, a colorful magazine to look at, a piece of fruit.

After my mom’s PCP lengthy explanation, my mom retained only that she had “black holes” in her brain and that terrified her. When she would get agitated she would repeat it. My only response was that we would figure it out together and that we would make the necessary adjustments as we went along. I think the “together” was what she needed to hear.

I give my mom the exact answer you give your mother. Every day.

My mom has been fishing for specific words, people's names, etc. for a number of years now, and I've always just said, "Well, Ma, you're 86 now (or whatever her age was at the time)" and that suited her for a while.

It's been getting worse lately, so I've graduated to, "Your brain is so tied up with just getting your body to work properly (she's severely disabled), it's shoved what it thinks is the trivial stuff into the background. It's concentrating on getting your internal organs to work, and sending the right messages so that you can manage to put one foot in front of the other." That made sense to her, and it's eased her frustration on a number of occasions.

Also, when I help her find whatever she's fishing for, and she says, "Yes! That's it!" it's the perfect opportunity for me to say, "See? It was still there; it just took a little extra work to get it out."

I've never mentioned the "D" word because, knowing her, it would send her off the deep end. She's upset enough with her physical disabilities as it is, and as far as she's concerned, her brain is the only thing she has left. To think that it, too, would be "going" would be too much for her to handle.

This is a tough one. It's all dependent on your mom's personality, the severity of her condition, and what she is best able to comprehend and accept. I hope you can find something that will work for you and your mom.

One of the worst things is to 'reassure' them that there's nothing wrong. She knows there's something wrong, she knows her mind used to work better, she misses her misplaced competence -- so telling her she's 'fine' just makes her distrust you and feel that you don't (or won't) understand her.

Acknowledging that this is hard can help. Don't pretend that it's just normal aging, though -- she knows her friends weren't having this much trouble, and she knows that most of them don't come around anymore. She may even have a glimmer of the things she did or didn't do that made many relationships fall away. If those around her pretend that everything's fine, it just adds to her frustration.

Validating her perceptions -- "I know it's frustrating for you when you can't find something" -- and letting her know you're here to help, or watch over her, or keep her out of trouble, or whatever the present concern is -- those are the things that are must helpful.

And then, change the subject in a direct and fairly radical way. Put on some music from her youth, or take her into another room as if something sudden, and normal, is causing the move. "I just heard the dryer stop, would you help me fold the laundry?" or "We're out of milk, will you come to the store with me?" can completely distract her from whatever was upsetting her in the moment.

If there's another person available, the fastest way to interrupt the pattern of her upset is for another person to come by and start a different conversation, because she probably will quickly lose the thread of what she was talking about with you.

So -- help her keep calm by helping her get out of her emotional upset, but don't pretend this isn't happening. She doesn't need the bigs words or a long explanation, but she knows something is wrong.

"Let's find out what's bothering you." Schedule a neuropsychological evaluation. Let a professional diagnose her dementia, explain and treat it. Many times this has a specific cause and can be controlled or the progression slowed, improving quality of life for Mom and reducing stress for you.

I always tried to be honest with my Dad without usual medical terms. That seemed to upset him more and he would call himself 'useless' or 'a burden'.

I used to say, you have a memory problem. It's not your fault and it happens to a lot of us and there are good days and bad days. They can't fix it, but we're going to hang in until they figure out how to.

Just remember, I'm incredibly proud of you. You're always going to be a good person; you're kind and thoughtful and nothing is ever going to take that away from you. Let's build some fun memories today if we can.

My doctor told me that people with dementia often remember things very clearly from when they were very young so I would try to lead him gently into telling me stories from his childhood. I would get to hear stories from his grade school, or high school, or the day he joined the Army. It made him feel better that those memories were so sharp and clear. I think it gave him a little sense of control in a scary situation.

On bad days the doctor told me to use his childhood name because it would feel so familiar to him. So Jimmy it was, those days. I would put on old music - they can usually remember all the words. Or I would make a dinner that he was very familiar with. Meatloaf was a huge comfort on a day when things felt scrambled.

I would never lie, I just tried to emphasize the memories that were clear. Even putting out an old brand of aftershave or perfume can bring a sense of calm because sense memory stays strong.

I hope that this helps.

"Mom, we all get old, even my memory is not so good anymore...."xx

Thank you all for your responses...somehow it makes me feel validated in feeling helpless? :)
Like Sweetstuff, 12LittlePaws and others suggested, I've stopped mentioning the word dementia and now stick with her simply having problems with her memory. Sunnygirl1, I love your compassion and focus on the positive. I have used this technique and it seems to be very comforting (to both of us).
Blessings to all of you who share in this journey. May the lessons of compassion, patience, acceptance and love nurture our weary souls.

Hi Mamachar. My Mom asks sometimes what is the matter with me. Why can’t I remember things. Why won’t my legs work today. I don’t mention dementia or alz. Over the years Dr’s have used those words so she has been told, however she became so upset I don’t see the need to repeat them over and over. I explain that something is happening in her brain. And I name our relatives with MS and Parkinsons and explain those are conditions with something happening in the brain also. I want her to understand that others have issues too. Then I follow up with how sorry I am that this is happening to her as well and reassure her that I will be here to help her. So I acknowledge her concerns, make her feel not alone, and reassure to calm her. It works well for us. Best of luck.

Because my mother could remember things from long ago, I often brought her pictures or objects from the past. I loved hearing her stories and she loved telling them. If they were wrong, who cares? When she forgot recent things and asked me what was wrong, I'd say " your short memory isn't working so well because it's crowded with your old memories. I depend on you to tell me about the past." Or just "Your short term memory is rusty, but your long term memory is excellent." Then distract.