My dad does this each and every time I see or talk to him. It is really hard on me, but my health has also suffered over the last 4 years due to the manipulation and guilt he has used on me due to Wernicke's Korsakoff syndrome. It's a daily battle and any day I do not call or see him, others get phone calls of how horrible if a son I am. He does better now that he has constant care. He has a lot of really good days. However, I know in my heart if he were to ever have any sort of true freedom outside of ASF he would dive right back down to his lowest point in less than 6 months.
I have had to put up a wall between my feelings as his son, and the CLINICAL side of this situation. No it isn't easy, but I feel at least for me it is the most sane and healthy option for all of us that he remains there for his own health and well being. We know in our hearts they are there for the right reason.
Your profile says your mom is living at home with AD. Is she living with you or by herself? Certainly with her medical profile, she should not be living alone. You don't mention at what time of day your mom expresses the desire to go home. Although her request to go home may occur during a sundowning experience, it is not necessarily limited to those times. Sundowning can lead to a variety of behaviors, such as confusion, anxiety, aggression or wandering. It is especially problematic at this time of year when we have early sunsets.
A request to “go home” can occur at anytime and anywhere. It may be that your mom doesn't recognize her surroundings, feels uncomfortable or even threatened. She believes that she is not home, so telling her she is home won't satisfy her and may cause an argument. “Home” in this case is not a place, but a time in her life where she may have felt safe, happy, comfortable. Of course, it's impossible to go there, and even if you did take her back to wherever she thinks home is, she wouldn't recognize it. Sometimes a request to go home has nothing to do with home but may be an unmet physical need like being thirsty, having to use the rest room or feeling some pain.
So, what do you do? Before redirecting her train of thought, validate her need to go home. You could ask her about “home”. “Tell me about home”, or “What do you remember about home?”, could ease her anxiety. Sometimes, giving reasons why she can't go home right now works. “Let's wait till after dinner to go”, or, “I've got to do some wash first, then we'll go”. A third approach might be to offer her reasons to stay where she is. So validate her feelings first, then redirect into taking a walk, or helping with a chore, for instance.
Very few of us are “unfit” as caregivers, but many of us are willing to place unwarranted and inaccurate burdens on ourselves when we assume the difficult responsibilities of caregiving.
Even if you observed every single moment of the interactions between your mother and her mother, you were observing them THROUGH YOUR EYES, and not the eyes of the participants.
Giving yourself the title of “unfit” does NOTHING to make you a better performer in your role, and actually creates additional difficulty with creating a level of care that works for both you and your mom.
You are doing as well as you possibly can, in a given situation, and that you love her dearly and are willing to visit here and ask for help, indicates that you are.
This “going home” behavior is harrowing for both the caregiver AND the sufferer. There is no “cure”, but distraction, redirection, and bright lighting certainly can’t make anything worse, and may make you feel better.
My grandmother came here when she was 14, NEVER knew another home after she moved to the house where she live for over 60 years, had 8 children in the back bedroom, and died, but she wanted to “go home” for about 6-8 months during her horrific 10 year battle with dementia.
PLEASE take extra good care of yourself as you care for your dear mother. She deserves your best, and YOU deserve your best too!
Your profile says she is living at home. If she is still asking to "go home" (and she's already home) this is a dementia behavior called Sundowning. The home she wants to go to is probably her childhood home.
There are ways to combat Sundowning: - redirect the conversation with an activity like a task (folding a large pile of kitchen towels) or a walk or drive, etc. - before she starts to Sundown, turn on as many lights in the house as possible since it is thought the darkening of the day and shadows triggers this behavior.
This phase can last a long time (as in years). In most cases there is no real use in trying to convince her that she's already home, or that her childhood home already exists. My 99-yr old aunt in FL sundowns like clockwork every afternoon. We have a sign directly opposite where she sits that says, "Nancy, you ARE home" with her address on it. No use. So we put in a dvd of an upbeat movie (usually a Disney animated one) for her. After, we walk her to her mailbox. When she talks about going home I ask her what her address is (which she still remembers) and I point to the same address on the mailbox and on the mail. Then I ask her to describe her current home and recite her address (which she still remembers) and I turn her around and point to her house (which has a very distinct yellow front door) and number. I ask, "Is that your house?" and she says yes and then we go back inside and I ask her to please fold some kitchen towels (or she'll play a card game with someone) and we're all able to move on. This ritual repeats every day.
Teepa Snow has many very informative videos on YouTube about recognizing dementia behaviors, how and why it changes our LOs and how to better engage with them as a caregiver so that more peaceful daily living and cooperation can be achieved. I highly recommend her.
My guess would be she's in a nursing home and has dementia? Am I close? If so, change the subject, blame the doctor who says she can't move back home, etc. Don't engage. Don't argue. Just be vague and move on. Very common dementia behavior. They often don't mean home in the way you would expect. Often it's their childhood home. Or just a feeling more than a place. Good luck.
I have had to put up a wall between my feelings as his son, and the CLINICAL side of this situation. No it isn't easy, but I feel at least for me it is the most sane and healthy option for all of us that he remains there for his own health and well being. We know in our hearts they are there for the right reason.
God bless you and stay strong!
A request to “go home” can occur at anytime and anywhere. It may be that your mom doesn't recognize her surroundings, feels uncomfortable or even threatened. She believes that she is not home, so telling her she is home won't satisfy her and may cause an argument. “Home” in this case is not a place, but a time in her life where she may have felt safe, happy, comfortable. Of course, it's impossible to go there, and even if you did take her back to wherever she thinks home is, she wouldn't recognize it. Sometimes a request to go home has nothing to do with home but may be an unmet physical need like being thirsty, having to use the rest room or feeling some pain.
So, what do you do? Before redirecting her train of thought, validate her need to go home. You could ask her about “home”. “Tell me about home”, or “What do you remember about home?”, could ease her anxiety. Sometimes, giving reasons why she can't go home right now works. “Let's wait till after dinner to go”, or, “I've got to do some wash first, then we'll go”. A third approach might be to offer her reasons to stay where she is. So validate her feelings first, then redirect into taking a walk, or helping with a chore, for instance.
Even if you observed every single moment of the interactions between your mother and her mother, you were observing them THROUGH YOUR EYES, and not the eyes of the participants.
Giving yourself the title of “unfit” does NOTHING to make you a better performer in your role, and actually creates additional difficulty with creating a level of care that works for both you and your mom.
You are doing as well as you possibly can, in a given situation, and that you love her dearly and are willing to visit here and ask for help, indicates that you are.
This “going home” behavior is harrowing for both the caregiver AND the sufferer. There is no “cure”, but distraction, redirection, and bright lighting certainly can’t make anything worse, and may make you feel better.
My grandmother came here when she was 14, NEVER knew another home after she moved to the house where she live for over 60 years, had 8 children in the back bedroom, and died, but she wanted to “go home” for about 6-8 months during her horrific 10 year battle with dementia.
PLEASE take extra good care of yourself as you care for your dear mother. She deserves your best, and YOU deserve your best too!
There are ways to combat Sundowning:
- redirect the conversation with an activity like a task (folding a large pile of kitchen towels) or a walk or drive, etc.
- before she starts to Sundown, turn on as many lights in the house as possible since it is thought the darkening of the day and shadows triggers this behavior.
This phase can last a long time (as in years). In most cases there is no real use in trying to convince her that she's already home, or that her childhood home already exists. My 99-yr old aunt in FL sundowns like clockwork every afternoon. We have a sign directly opposite where she sits that says, "Nancy, you ARE home" with her address on it. No use. So we put in a dvd of an upbeat movie (usually a Disney animated one) for her. After, we walk her to her mailbox. When she talks about going home I ask her what her address is (which she still remembers) and I point to the same address on the mailbox and on the mail. Then I ask her to describe her current home and recite her address (which she still remembers) and I turn her around and point to her house (which has a very distinct yellow front door) and number. I ask, "Is that your house?" and she says yes and then we go back inside and I ask her to please fold some kitchen towels (or she'll play a card game with someone) and we're all able to move on. This ritual repeats every day.
Teepa Snow has many very informative videos on YouTube about recognizing dementia behaviors, how and why it changes our LOs and how to better engage with them as a caregiver so that more peaceful daily living and cooperation can be achieved. I highly recommend her.