hello, I am now 70 my husband died in 2020, 6 months later my mother who had mild dementia and lived by herself had a stroke. I lived in a different state and I am an only child and my husband and did not have children. I went to the state where my mother lived and I grow up (I haven't live there in 50 years, so no friends) and was there for 6 months. Due to the stroke her dementia has progress to moderate, currently she is with me. I needed to return to my home to take care of several things and will take her back to her home in a few months. There are days I do resent taking care of her and I don't know what the future holds. Of course she doesn't understand why she can't live by herself. My life is no longer my life, because I can not leave her alone. I remind her to go to the bathroom, I give her her med's because she would not remember to take them. So I understand your feelings. The only thing I can say is you are not alone and life is so unpredictable. Take one day at a time. Try to find time for yourself, sometimes it will only come when she is sleep. Best of luck to you!
Ok, I am a widow. I am 67. My husband died when he was 49 and I was 45. I was an Air Force wife for 23 years before he passed away from melanoma. I still miss him very much. He was the love of my life.
My mom came to live with me about 5 years ago. We butt heads a lot for the first year and a half when she was fully independent. I wound up becoming the parent over this short time including the discipline....." constant reinforcement of using her walker" and that type of thing. She has short term memory, asks things three and four times within the space of a few minutes. She can use the walker for the bathroom but beginning about a week or two ago, during the day, I have to give her constant reminders ( every couple of minutes for maybe 5-10 minutes) for her to get up from the recliner in the living room to use the bathroom.
She is on 18 oral medications ( 11 prescription and numerous supplements).... So I am being the nurse checking her weight daily, blood pressure, pulse, O2 sat, and standing over her while she takes all of her meds..... and all of this again before bedtime so I know whether or not to hold one of her blood pressure meds if the reading is too low.
I fix 3 meals, sometimes 2 and adult daughter who lives with us and works full-time fixes dinner. Then there's the bedtime routine, and over these last few weeks, she's become so very slow and I have to watch and wait for her to finish in the bathroom to very slowly walk to her bedroom and then help her into pajamas, and very slowly she gets part way up on the bed, stops halfway to rest, and then with strong encouragement slowly moves all the way into the bed. It is a very long day and is getting too too much for me. Before the end of the day, I am tired, and by the end of the day, I'm exhausted.
Now, you said your mother is VERY appreciative of all you do. Yeah, so is mine. But being appreciated only goes so far. I am very tired of this and still feel a very young 67 and want to get out and not have to worry about arranging an expensive caregiver to be able to go out. I remember the spontaneity of before Mom came over here, just being able to go out, maybe to the store, or whatever, and just get up and go. But now it requires planning.
You hate where your mother is in life, but she is at a facility being cared for there, not at home. And that only a widow would understand what you are going through. I don't understand why. Why are you obsessing over your mother? It sounds like maybe you're replacing the grief of losing your husband into the grief of all your mother has wrong.
You are in your own home with a joyful 6 yr. old around and can do whatever you want. Your mother is being taken care of in a facility. You are free to go out and see a movie, have a lunch. Maybe find a small church to go to, one which has potlucks and make friends. You can take the 6 yr. old to a park, go for a walk. Are you going to see your mother every day? Then stop doing that. Cut down on the visits. When you leave from a visit, go do something fun. Focus on making yourself happy. Find some hobbies. Go for a drive, stop and take pictures. Make a photo album, or make a photo book. Make yourself busy with fun.
OP, no-one else can ever fully understand and place themselves in your position, even if they are a widow with exactly the same family members. You take the bits of advice that help from whoever tries to help. Every separate aspect of your situation is not unique, and many inputs can have some relevance.
It seems from your post that your mother is in a Life care facility but that you are still spending a lot of time with her, in spite of the fact that you ‘hate it’. Your mother may be ‘VERY appreciative’, but you may in fact be stopping her from participating in the facility’s activities for which she is paying. Is this a real help?
If you are not happy with your life as it is, it is up to you to change it. No-one else can tell you what to do. Any ‘promises’ you made to your DH are not binding on you now – and DH would not want them to be binding if circumstances have changed. Good luck for finding a realistic set of options for your own future.
Full disclosure - I'm not the widow caring for their parent- my mom is. But I can share with you what she has shared with me. My mom became a caregiver to my dad not long after they retired. For a while it was manageable and they were able to have a second home of sorts at a permanent campsite and dad could sit on the porch and socialize and mom had her local friends and it was nice. And then dad got sicker and they had to come home. We tried to help as much as we could to give mom breaks. When dad passed away, by this point mom had been a caregiver for nearly a decade. They married very young and with that came the natural responsibilities of adulthood. Then when they retired mom went almost directly into caregiver mode. So when dad passed away it was the first time since she was 17 years old that mom had nearly no responsibilities. She was able to enjoy spending time with friends, hanging out with her grands, and just doing whatever she wanted when she wanted. Like you, after my dad died, we decided to consolidate our houses. Mom didn't have to be alone and could travel to her heart's content and not have to come home to an empty house. She loved spending time with her college aged grands. She enjoyed our morning coffees and having a beer with my husband. During the early days of the pandemic we brought my fiercely independent grandmother to live with us for the 'lockdown' period. Things went well and we even had the hopes that she would actually agree to move here as well. That was not to be. She thought things were too loud and active. Something that my mom actually loves. Not long after she returned to her home, it was decided that she needed additional help at home. My mom is an only child. We tried to get her to come here. She refused. The idea of of an assisted living facility was appalling to her. So my mom left to go stay there temporarily. That was a year go. My mom is miserable. She LOVES her mom, we all do. But my grandmother is in the early stages of dementia and SHADOWS my mother something fierce. She treats my mom like a teenager asking her every move, and none of the rest of us are who she wants if mom needs to go somewhere. She is able to be left alone for extended periods of time - but she doesn't like it and will call mom constantly wanting to know when she will be home, taking the joy out of any outing mom actually takes. Mom feels guilty for feeling somewhat resentful. She misses being home, she misses her time with us. I do understand what you mean by only a widow would understand - only because my mom tells me all the time that there are just somethings that you just can't get from any perspective but that perspective. I can't understand from a widow's perspective certainly. But I see what my mom goes through. My grandmother frequently talks about losing my grandfather and it also hurts my mom because my dad's death is so much newer and my grandmother makes it seem like my mom's loss is less than her's because she and my dad weren't married as many years as my grandparents were. I think all kinds of perspectives are valuable in the caregiver realm. I know caring for my dad was a very different perspective for mom than caring for her mom. And I can tell you that caring for my FIL is a whole different perspective than helping my mom care for my dad because I also think it depends on the person you are caring for as well. I wish you all of the best in this journey. I think as long as your relationship with your daughter and granddaughter, and your caregiving for your mom are not preventing you from living your life they are an important addition to your life. I think it is important that you fill your life with people you want to be with and fill your life with love and people that bring you joy. As long as you aren't using these relationships to hide from moving on in your life and you are getting the most out of your life. You have a right to enjoy every aspect of what life has to offer!
I am a widow of 5 yrs. My 34yr old daughter, fiancé & 6 yr old granddaughter live with me. My mother chose the Life Care facility she lives in, beginning with IL - now in the 24/7care center. She lives 25 miles from me. I have been struggling with grief & depression since my husband died of colon cancer at 52 yrs I was Mom & Navy wife for 30 yrs, I am an artist , was a radio personality & then full-time stay at home Mom. Now I just exist for my Mom & kids/granddaughter Although I have weekly visits with therapist I find it hard to tell her everything. I have slowly withdrawn from society & see this as the warning sign it is. The little bit I read on one of your threads made me realize that I need to SOMETHING but feel like I am stuck in time as long as my mother needs me. I am paralyzed.
******************************** First off, my condolences on the loss of your DH. Secondly, your mother lives in a SNF so it's not necessary for you to be 'at her side' all the time, especially with dementia at play! My mother lives in a Memory Care ALF and I go see her 2x a week max, and stay for up to 1 hour max. That's plenty, in my opinion, b/c she gets care and activities in the ALF! Her behavior towards me doesn't warrant that I do more for her than I already do; I have to take care of MYSELF and my husband too! If you hate visiting mom, then cut down on the time you spend with her! Carve out a life for yourself that doesn't include 'reasons' you 'must' spend excessive amounts of time with your mom.
If you choose to get therapy for your grief and depression, then why not open up TO your therapist? Otherwise, the therapy is not really serving its purpose. To get the help you need, you have to allow the therapist TO help you. You also have to get out of your comfort zone a bit and put yourself out there. Join a dating site and go out for lunch with friends, etc. If you're too paralyzed to function, then see your PCP and consider anti depressants or anti anxiety meds. We all face difficult times in life where meds become necessary. I myself had a bout with PTSD in 2000 and thought I could handle it without help but I was wrong. I finally went to the doctor and he put me on Paxil. It was like a switch was flipped in my brain and I began to calm down immensely, thank God. I went from barely functional to perfectly functional again, all thanks to the medication. It was life changing.
Please do whatever it takes to get YOURSELF back! You deserve it. Best of luck.
I appreciate your reply & well intentioned advice, however, my mother is VERY appreciative of any time I spend with her. What I hate is the fact that she is where she is in her life, that she's in chronic pain, incontinent, confused, and not with me -My husband & I moved her down here from the house I grew up in after her my father passed & her hoarding got out of control. We offered to build a Mother-in-Law suite but she refused to "do to us what her mother did,"and she chose this very "posh" facility. Then my husband got sick & passed away. By then she had sunk well over half a million into this Life care facility & my daughter going through a divorce, moved in with me with my granddaughter. It is a very convenient arrangement & a firm foundation for my granddaughter who I promised to my husband, I would take care of. This house is too big for just me & a 6 yr old brings so much life to everyday. As far as medication...I have been on antidepressants for 30 yrs & Klonopin when I need it. I am fully aware of the difference it makes but it only helps to cope & does not remove the problems. When I posted I asked if there were any WIDOWS dealing with caring for their aging parent because it is an entirely different realm that only a widow can understand. Thanks for your time. Peace!
I'm not in your situation, but not having a husband is no excuse for not having a life.
Your job is not solely to care for your mother/kids/husband, but to care for yourself, too. You don't owe your mother an excuse for not being able to be at her beck and call all day, every day, so get out there and find something that interests and energizes YOU. That will make any caregiving easier for you as well when you've had time off from it.
I am now 70 my husband died in 2020, 6 months later my mother who had mild dementia and lived by herself had a stroke. I lived in a different state and I am an only child and my husband and did not have children. I went to the state where my mother lived and I grow up (I haven't live there in 50 years, so no friends) and was there for 6 months. Due to the stroke her dementia has progress to moderate, currently she is with me. I needed to return to my home to take care of several things and will take her back to her home in a few months. There are days I do resent taking care of her and I don't know what the future holds. Of course she doesn't understand why she can't live by herself. My life is no longer my life, because I can not leave her alone. I remind her to go to the bathroom, I give her her med's because she would not remember to take them. So I understand your feelings. The only thing I can say is you are not alone and life is so unpredictable. Take one day at a time. Try to find time for yourself, sometimes it will only come when she is sleep. Best of luck to you!
My mom came to live with me about 5 years ago. We butt heads a lot for the first year and a half when she was fully independent. I wound up becoming the parent over this short time including the discipline....." constant reinforcement of using her walker" and that type of thing. She has short term memory, asks things three and four times within the space of a few minutes. She can use the walker for the bathroom but beginning about a week or two ago, during the day, I have to give her constant reminders ( every couple of minutes for maybe 5-10 minutes) for her to get up from the recliner in the living room to use the bathroom.
She is on 18 oral medications ( 11 prescription and numerous supplements)....
So I am being the nurse checking her weight daily, blood pressure, pulse, O2 sat, and standing over her while she takes all of her meds..... and all of this again before bedtime so I know whether or not to hold one of her blood pressure meds if the reading is too low.
I fix 3 meals, sometimes 2 and adult daughter who lives with us and works full-time fixes dinner. Then there's the bedtime routine, and over these last few weeks, she's become so very slow and I have to watch and wait for her to finish in the bathroom to very slowly walk to her bedroom and then help her into pajamas, and very slowly she gets part way up on the bed, stops halfway to rest, and then with strong encouragement slowly moves all the way into the bed. It is a very long day and is getting too too much for me. Before the end of the day, I am tired, and by the end of the day, I'm exhausted.
Now, you said your mother is VERY appreciative of all you do. Yeah, so is mine. But being appreciated only goes so far. I am very tired of this and still feel a very young 67 and want to get out and not have to worry about arranging an expensive caregiver to be able to go out. I remember the spontaneity of before Mom came over here, just being able to go out, maybe to the store, or whatever, and just get up and go. But now it requires planning.
You hate where your mother is in life, but she is at a facility being cared for there, not at home. And that only a widow would understand what you are going through. I don't understand why. Why are you obsessing over your mother? It sounds like maybe you're replacing the grief of losing your husband into the grief of all your mother has wrong.
You are in your own home with a joyful 6 yr. old around and can do whatever you want. Your mother is being taken care of in a facility. You are free to go out and see a movie, have a lunch. Maybe find a small church to go to, one which has potlucks and make friends. You can take the 6 yr. old to a park, go for a walk. Are you going to see your mother every day? Then stop doing that. Cut down on the visits. When you leave from a visit, go do something fun. Focus on making yourself happy. Find some hobbies. Go for a drive, stop and take pictures. Make a photo album, or make a photo book. Make yourself busy with fun.
It seems from your post that your mother is in a Life care facility but that you are still spending a lot of time with her, in spite of the fact that you ‘hate it’. Your mother may be ‘VERY appreciative’, but you may in fact be stopping her from participating in the facility’s activities for which she is paying. Is this a real help?
If you are not happy with your life as it is, it is up to you to change it. No-one else can tell you what to do. Any ‘promises’ you made to your DH are not binding on you now – and DH would not want them to be binding if circumstances have changed. Good luck for finding a realistic set of options for your own future.
You have been a widow for 5 years now, perhaps you need a support group for widows, not caregivers?
My mom became a caregiver to my dad not long after they retired. For a while it was manageable and they were able to have a second home of sorts at a permanent campsite and dad could sit on the porch and socialize and mom had her local friends and it was nice. And then dad got sicker and they had to come home. We tried to help as much as we could to give mom breaks.
When dad passed away, by this point mom had been a caregiver for nearly a decade. They married very young and with that came the natural responsibilities of adulthood. Then when they retired mom went almost directly into caregiver mode. So when dad passed away it was the first time since she was 17 years old that mom had nearly no responsibilities. She was able to enjoy spending time with friends, hanging out with her grands, and just doing whatever she wanted when she wanted.
Like you, after my dad died, we decided to consolidate our houses. Mom didn't have to be alone and could travel to her heart's content and not have to come home to an empty house. She loved spending time with her college aged grands. She enjoyed our morning coffees and having a beer with my husband.
During the early days of the pandemic we brought my fiercely independent grandmother to live with us for the 'lockdown' period. Things went well and we even had the hopes that she would actually agree to move here as well. That was not to be. She thought things were too loud and active. Something that my mom actually loves.
Not long after she returned to her home, it was decided that she needed additional help at home. My mom is an only child. We tried to get her to come here. She refused. The idea of of an assisted living facility was appalling to her. So my mom left to go stay there temporarily. That was a year go. My mom is miserable. She LOVES her mom, we all do. But my grandmother is in the early stages of dementia and SHADOWS my mother something fierce. She treats my mom like a teenager asking her every move, and none of the rest of us are who she wants if mom needs to go somewhere. She is able to be left alone for extended periods of time - but she doesn't like it and will call mom constantly wanting to know when she will be home, taking the joy out of any outing mom actually takes.
Mom feels guilty for feeling somewhat resentful. She misses being home, she misses her time with us.
I do understand what you mean by only a widow would understand - only because my mom tells me all the time that there are just somethings that you just can't get from any perspective but that perspective. I can't understand from a widow's perspective certainly. But I see what my mom goes through. My grandmother frequently talks about losing my grandfather and it also hurts my mom because my dad's death is so much newer and my grandmother makes it seem like my mom's loss is less than her's because she and my dad weren't married as many years as my grandparents were. I think all kinds of perspectives are valuable in the caregiver realm. I know caring for my dad was a very different perspective for mom than caring for her mom. And I can tell you that caring for my FIL is a whole different perspective than helping my mom care for my dad because I also think it depends on the person you are caring for as well.
I wish you all of the best in this journey. I think as long as your relationship with your daughter and granddaughter, and your caregiving for your mom are not preventing you from living your life they are an important addition to your life. I think it is important that you fill your life with people you want to be with and fill your life with love and people that bring you joy. As long as you aren't using these relationships to hide from moving on in your life and you are getting the most out of your life. You have a right to enjoy every aspect of what life has to offer!
I am a widow of 5 yrs. My 34yr old daughter, fiancé & 6 yr old granddaughter live with me. My mother chose the Life Care facility she lives in, beginning with IL - now in the 24/7care center. She lives 25 miles from me.
I have been struggling with grief & depression since my husband died of colon cancer at 52 yrs
I was Mom & Navy wife for 30 yrs, I am an artist , was a radio personality & then full-time stay at home Mom. Now I just exist for my Mom & kids/granddaughter
Although I have weekly visits with therapist I find it hard to tell her everything. I have slowly withdrawn from society & see this as the warning sign it is. The little bit I read on one of your threads made me realize that I need to SOMETHING but feel like I am stuck in time as long as my mother needs me. I am paralyzed.
********************************
First off, my condolences on the loss of your DH. Secondly, your mother lives in a SNF so it's not necessary for you to be 'at her side' all the time, especially with dementia at play! My mother lives in a Memory Care ALF and I go see her 2x a week max, and stay for up to 1 hour max. That's plenty, in my opinion, b/c she gets care and activities in the ALF! Her behavior towards me doesn't warrant that I do more for her than I already do; I have to take care of MYSELF and my husband too! If you hate visiting mom, then cut down on the time you spend with her! Carve out a life for yourself that doesn't include 'reasons' you 'must' spend excessive amounts of time with your mom.
If you choose to get therapy for your grief and depression, then why not open up TO your therapist? Otherwise, the therapy is not really serving its purpose. To get the help you need, you have to allow the therapist TO help you. You also have to get out of your comfort zone a bit and put yourself out there. Join a dating site and go out for lunch with friends, etc. If you're too paralyzed to function, then see your PCP and consider anti depressants or anti anxiety meds. We all face difficult times in life where meds become necessary. I myself had a bout with PTSD in 2000 and thought I could handle it without help but I was wrong. I finally went to the doctor and he put me on Paxil. It was like a switch was flipped in my brain and I began to calm down immensely, thank God. I went from barely functional to perfectly functional again, all thanks to the medication. It was life changing.
Please do whatever it takes to get YOURSELF back! You deserve it. Best of luck.
As far as medication...I have been on antidepressants for 30 yrs & Klonopin when I need it. I am fully aware of the difference it makes but it only helps to cope & does not remove the problems.
When I posted I asked if there were any WIDOWS dealing with caring for their aging parent because it is an entirely different realm that only a widow can understand. Thanks for your time. Peace!
Your job is not solely to care for your mother/kids/husband, but to care for yourself, too. You don't owe your mother an excuse for not being able to be at her beck and call all day, every day, so get out there and find something that interests and energizes YOU. That will make any caregiving easier for you as well when you've had time off from it.