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I am trying to take care of my mom that is a witch and then I have bad feelings towards myself because I know its wrong to feel the way I do. My mom has never been a nice person and I think she has mental issues. Nothing my family does is good enough for her and my brother wont do anything. He tells me that he don't want to see her unhappy but she wasn't a good mom. My husband does more for her than anyone and she treats him like a dog

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My mother was/is so brutal on my husband, he had a nervous breakdown. Please be careful with a mother like that. If I had it to do all over again, never would I have put myself and my husband in this situation. I'd be happy to talk with you if you need a friend. I sure know what you're going through because I could have written your post. :)
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mamapinson, can you tell us a little more about your situation. How old is your mother and where does she live? Does she have any certain physical problems that she needs help with? What type of care are you and your husband providing for her? If you let us know a little more, someone may have some good ideas for you.
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Kathleen, you are an angel to have worked in a geriatric facility for years. I've worked in a hospital for over 15 now. It always amazes me the energy it requires to witness the daily troubles of those in need.
I truly wish the county could have at least left me find a new home within a reasonable time frame; but they were not interested in anything but the money. And I was the only grandchild who visited my grandparent in the nursing home.
Well at least if the county could care less about my time spent for my grandma, she appreciated it. And always asked me if I was there to take her back home, I will never forget the distressed look in her eyes, and tears, when I explained she would have to stay at the NH.
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Medicaid is federal program so the rules apply to every state. When doing the application at the NH. They are the one's who make the home Medicaid excempt
Commonly, if a child, not grandchild care for a parent a least for 2 years. If you have registered to vote in the place where your parents would have gone. The NH can verify this with voting records. If one spouse dies. There is one spouse. He would live in the house as long as lives. True once he dies. The house they like sold after nine month so Medicaid can collect there money. I have worked in a geriatric facility for years. This has been the rule. As a grandchild you are not eligible only a child who lived with a parent for two years
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Kathleen, I was living in my grandparent's home while they were in nursing home. But when they died, the county forced me to leave, sold the house, and took all the money.
In general, Medicaid recipients can only "leave" a home to a spouse, and when that spouse dies, then the house is still sold "to recover" all the money the county spent on the first spouse's nursing home bills.
It's never allowed to go to one of the children or grandchildren.
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I have found when the elderly have behavior problems and they are home with family they are more risk to be abused. There is only so much a family can take. Part of problem with my mother was I understand institutional living. It is well known if you don't like it. "Then take them home with you"
There are places you need to be careful. A nursing home it is important to look at how well they care for their patients is the facility is clean and free of odors and most important. How a nursing home has a good palliative care plan. End of live care. This was the most important issue that worried me. I would die if I ever saw my mother suffer. I have seen elderly in other facilities suffer and you have family members tell the staff. I think you are giving my mother too much Morphine. There are good facilities that handle family member who are unreasonable. Donna to answer your question. I am assuming your mother is in assisted living. I am assuming she also has Medicare. If your mother has a house or other property. I would put it up for sale so you mother can stay where she is. If your mother has declined and they want to place her in a nursing home. When you talk about financially to place her in a nursing home. You will need to apply for Medicaid. She will be accepted. The problem is you can keep money for burial or it is better to do it when she is living. The most money she is allowed to have is $2000. There is also an acknowledgment that the money that spent my Medicaid. There will be a lean put on the house. There is one way around it. If a child has lived with there parent for two years. Hopefully it could be proved by voting records. Then the house will be left to the child. But, the child cannot sell the house. If there is another parent living in the home. Medicaid cannot claim there money if there is a spouse in the home until his death. If you have already sold a property. That belonged to your mother. To apply for Medicaid, they will know if property has been sold. But, you will have to agree to pay the Nursing Home before Medicaid will kick in. I live in Massachusetts but, Medicad is federal. The laws are in every state. Today the average cost of a Nursing Home is 12,000. to 13,000 per month. There is nothing you can hide.
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I have known always that I could never have my mother live with me. She, also sees the glass half empty, etc. she is in a retirement center, recently diagnosed with dementia turning into Alzheimer's which I could see happening before I got her into the home. I don't know yet where I will have to place her when her money runs out and we have done all we can to help. Hoping she can manage to stay where she is until she might not be aware where she is being placed. (happened to my grandma) I'm sorry but I can't see the benefit to anyone being in a relationship where you are battling every day to cope if there is any other decent solution. I would never let mom stay where she was mistreated.
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Unfortunately folks, if they had a nasty desposition 50 years ago. They are going to have it now. I don't know if there is any dementia. I know having a good doctor is important. Make sure you have a Geriatrician. A general practitioner doesn't understand the needs of the elderly. A Geriatrician can help. If they are a real Psych case then their are Psychiatrist who deal with the elderly. This would be the last chance I would do to try to help her and the doctors may tell you there is nothing more you can do. They may suggest placement in a NH. My mother suffered from severe anxiety. I later understood she was never cared for when she had her mind. She eventually developed dementia and the dementia took care of her anxiety. I took care of my mother for 8 years at home till her death in 2011. I also worked in a NH for 32 years. So I was lucky enough to know who where the doctors to go to. I made a promise to my mother that she wouldn't go in a nursing home. But she was easy. Sometimes you can't keep that promise if your mother is taking you and your family down. Please don't feel guilty if she needs placement. It is not your fault. I have seen a lot of caregivers die before the patient died. Don't do it to yourself. See if the right help works. If not your family comes first.
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Please give yourself much more credit for the job you are doing. My Mother is exactly the same way. One minute everything is perfect and the next all hell breaks lose. Please find yourself a support group and a counselor to talk to. This will be invaluable to you. Find a meditiation group, yoga class, etc and learn as I did, to let go of the "bullsh#$%". The guilt thing can and will make you very ill after a time. In my case it manifested in shingles and constant colds - one right after another. When Mom gets beligerent or mean - just tell her you don't appreciate her treating you that way and that you will be back to do whatever is she is wanting when she is in a better mood. Much love and hugs.
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There is never a good reason to be treated like this when you are taking care of someone. I wouldn't put up with it if she's in her right mind. She can always be put in a state nursing home if she doesn't like the care. and I would let her know about it. Don't be a doormat - if she's a witch I'd certainly tell her by now that if she doesn't like the service, to get on her broomstick and fly off.There is no virtue in putting up with ill treatment just because someone will not behave.
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Where is mom? Is she living with you? I suspect that you need to make long range plans for her, so that she can get the care in a NH, that she needs. She doesn't appreciate what you are doing for her, and it sounds like your family doesn't either. You have the right to live your life.
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Not sure about the rest of the details of your situation, but it might be possible to have a counselor see you and your mother if insurance allows. My own mother, at 80, has agreed to start working on her issues. Better late than never :) If not, at least make sure you're taking care of yourself, whether it's occasional lunch with friends or a late night trip to the bookstore or something. It's never WRONG to feel a certain way! What matters is how you deal with those feelings.
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I can identify with you. I was the caregiver for my mother for 18 yrs, during which time she suffered from parkinsons disease. She had always been negative and rarely had anything good to say about me, favoring my sister; however, it was me she chose to live with and asked to keep her out of a nursing home.

I felt blessed to be able to care for my mother for, even though she always looked at life thru a half-empty glass, still she did the best she could to protect, feed and guide me. I saw her as a good mother despite her negativity.

Yes, you may have hurt feelings and you certainly have the right to have all your feelings, even what you might consider negative ones. Still, by doing what you believe to be right in your situation and NOT dumping your negative feelings onto your mother, has to be admired.
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This is a simple trick but it might help. Get yourself a pair of big fuzzy earmuffs. Whenever Mom gets nasty, tell her "if you're going to be mean I don't have to listen to you" and put on the earmuffs and don't look her in the eye - do what you have to do but otherwise ignore her. Do it whenever she is mean and nasty - she will hate being ignored so it might make her change or tune after a week or two. Good luck - and don't feel guilty! (hugs)
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Please do not let anyone tell you that the feelings you have for your mother are "wrong". If a person mistreats you, then you have ever right and reason not to like that person regardless of who they are. If you cannot take care of her, then find someone who can and let them deal with her nastiness. Life is way too short to spend it miserable. Give the duties to your brother if he doesn't want to see her unhappy. Thank your husband for his service, but if she is being mean to him, let him off the hook. Good luck!
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mamapinson, I don't think you are wrong to feel this way... it is only human. You are doing your duty towards your mother, which is more than many people do. My recommendation is to make sure your other relationships (like your marriage) stay very strong to provide the love and emotional support you will need. Good luck!
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