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I am just starting out caring for my grandmother and am considering moving in with her so she can stay at home while she ages. She has had some mobility problems and has memory problems, and falls often. I haven't cared for a relative before and am scared that I won't be able to help in the right way. I don't want to intrude on her privacy. Can you share any tips or techniques that make older people feel cared for and respected?

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Jo, I know that this isn’t what you asked, but please think twice about moving in. Could you go and stay for a couple of weeks, just to check out how it’s likely to live in practice? You need to find out about the effects on you, as well as your grandmother's needs.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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Well, all of it was a surprise. I never imagined the level of personal care I would be taking on.
At first it was just mainly keeping my mother company, taking her to appointments and outings and simple meal prep and laundry, all things she had been managing on her own but not necessarily in the best way.
Then I started helping her trim her toenails.
Then her fingernails.
Once I moved in it became clear that she had been making due with sponge baths for a very long time, so I helped her get into the shower, then I actually washed her.
She began to fall, not often and she was able to help me get her onto her feet, but it was still a physical effort. She started using a walker but would forget when she went to the bathroom at night, so I started sleeping on the couch so I could hear when she got up.
Thankfully all of this happened gradually and I had time to fully adjust to each new task before the next one cropped up. But I never, never anticipated the level of care I would eventually provide - that she would need to be spoon fed, become dual incontinent, oh, and I mustn't forget the cognitive decline. When her mobility decreased so that she couldn't even bear weight long enough to transfer from bed to wheelchair I finally conceded defeat - totally burned out - and placed her in long term care.
Although I was reluctant to pull the trigger I did have a Plan B, I urge you to do the same and to identify which lines you aren't prepared to cross.
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Reply to cwillie
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MaryKathleen Jan 12, 2020
cwillie, you are right on. Jabot347. Are you willing to change her messy diaper and clean her Vaginal area? That is just one of the things in your future. Do not give up your life, if it is your grandmother, you should be concentrating on starting your life, not becoming housebound taking care of a person who is helpless. Please don't do it. ((Hugs))
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How old are you? I’m gonna guess in your 20’s or early 30’s.

When I was that age, people my age - that I am now - were always telling me “Enjoy this time. You’ll look back at it and realize it was the best time of your life”.

I don’t know if it was the best time - having a baby, meeting my (current) husband and our courtship, being able to buy my dream home - all events a little later in life certainly rank high on the list.

But yeah, overall my 20’s were footloose and fancy free. And, I did it right. I was able to move around for my job - which meant promotions and pay raises. I went out dancing almost every weekend with a group of wonderful girlfriends (the last gasp of Disco, dont cha know) and I juggled dating three guys at once.

I had an absolute blast! And, my happy memories of that time in my life helped get me through more than a couple tough times that came later on down the road - as tough times always do.

I realize that this isn’t what you asked. Sorry - not sorry. But...

I strongly recommend you reconsider the choice you are about to make. Especially, the part about moving in with your granny.

I think it’s admirable of you to want to do this - being caregiver to your grandmother. But - it’s a hard thing to do. Much harder than I’m afraid you realize. And - it will only get harder. A little assistance here and there can very well turn into a 24/7 situation with you trapped and no way to get out.

Spend some time reading the posts here. This site is full of well intentioned folks - in over their heads, abandon by other family members who are unwilling to help, their job/ career prospects diminishing with each passing year - right along with their own financial security - chained to a mentally and physically failing elder - with no way out.

Yes. Spent some time here reading the posts. And then - if you still want to give it a shot - make sure you have an exit strategy in place. And, make sure all the other family members know - these same family members who are right now, pledging to pitch in, provide breaks - the same people who will begin to avoid you like the plague when break time comes - make sure they know - WITHOUT A DOUBT - that you are starting this endeavor on a trial basis.

As to my biggest surprise? That would be - just how depressingly awful it all can get.
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Reply to Rainmom
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Don't do this. You have no idea what you're signing up for.
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NeedHelpWithMom Jan 13, 2020
You got that right! Says everything in just a few words. Love your post.
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Jo, I agree with Margaret. Give yourself a couple of weeks trial. You need to consider your own needs - especially with your own privacy. You won’t have any privacy. Many seniors don’t consider the privacy of others. Many seniors are all about me, all the time. Know exactly what you are getting into. Your intentions may be good, but maybe not realistic.
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Reply to Becky04473
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I notice a few recommendations for you here that include “discussing”.....”reasoning with”......”getting a POA”.......”long range plan”...... What these otherwise reasonable sounding considerations have neglected is that you already know that your grandmother is currently experiencing memory loss, and except when caused by a UTI, dementia causing memory loss doesn’t improve, but more typically gets worse and worse.

Then there’s the inevitable gap between “intrude on her privacy” while knowing that part of your responsibilities at some point sooner or later will become relieving her of all responsibility for decision making concerning her needs.

And ”help in the right way”? There is NO RIGHT WAY to choose how to help. As your grandmother’s ability to make good choices deteriorates, her frustration may increase, leaving you to need to learn to overlook her input while making the best of less than good choices for her care on your own.

Before you formally take charge in this situation, DO YOUR RESEARCH. Have you been given legally sanctioned access to ALL of your grandmother’s financial and health assets? Medical records? Legal status? Are you aware of local social service agencies and their potential availability for her? Have you identified and possibly visited residential sites that may serve as resources for her in the future?

Finally, do you understand that meeting requirements for safety, providing basic needs, and providing vigilance in observing changes in ALL aspects of her life is, or has potential to become, a 24/7/365 job that can last for years and years.

Your youthful altruism needs to be constantly subjected to your intelligence, intuition, observational skill, physical strength, and common sense. Is it?
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Reply to AnnReid
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The most surprising thing is that it never occurred to me to run away before significantly damaging my life with no end in sight.
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cetude Jan 12, 2020
I took care of mom for 15 years and it destroyed my life. I sacrificed everything for mom and she ended up dying age 90 but her Alzheimer's was so advanced she no longer responded to the environment and kept alive with a feeding tube. Still she lived a very comfortable life. I felt she abandoned me when she died. Now I have nobody.
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What surprised me was how quickly my good intentions "to help" turned into a nightmare for me. I went from helper to controller in her eyes and she became hostile and hateful and the relationship will never be the same again. You don't want to go through that with your grandmother.

One thing that you wrote alarms me and that is "falls often." This is a sign of serious trouble that needs to be addressed. When we age the we lose the fluid around our brains so the brain is less protected during a fall. So even a simple fall with no hit to the head can cause brain injury to the elderly.

Where are her children? Are they involved with mom?
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Reply to MammaDrama
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Please reconsider doing this. My mom is 90 with very similar health issue. She has been declining for the past two years and has turned into someone that has no sense of reasoning. My dad (also 90) is her primary caretaker and is in reasonable health. I help as much as I can (I have my own family needs and a husband with heart failure), but they both should be in a IL facility....more manageable for dad to care for her and less stress for him. She will NOT move. So he gives in and continues to be exhausted caring for her and the "big" house. I know this will get much worse in time and I am bracing myself for it. Do not underestimate the amount of care she will require.....and will only get worse. They become demanding, selfish, self centered, and miserable. You will lose yourself in this journey. Although your intentions are honorable for sure, listen careful to the wisdom shared on this site. This is brutal work since you are dealing with a broken mind.....and this could go on for many, many years. The body will eventually succumb as they become incontinent, mobility declines as well as a host of other ailments. You will in essence become a robot with the day to day tasks that will need to be done. My advice: Don't do it.
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Reply to Abby2018
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The biggest thing that surprised me was that all of my family members just checked out. No one visits my mom anymore. She was living alone before and had family around nearby. She moved in with my family and we live half hour away and no one is willing to pick her up and take her anywhere or visit. They all claim that she is too fragile and they are scared. I thought that I would have help from everyone and get a break from being the caretaker. I was wrong. She really isn't that fragile, so its really confusing and upsetting. So, if you are thinking that you will have help, maybe plan for the possibility that you may not. It’s much harder than I ever though it would be. The mental and physical decline is really difficult. And they get very frustrated when they cannot do things and become angry with you for not letting them do things. Their brain say they can but their body disagrees. It becomes mental torture for them and they take it out on the caretaker. If I had the ability to turn back time, I would not have opted to try and take care of my mom in my home. I feel our quality of time together would have better served by placing her somewhere or getting in home help. Best of luck to you!
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