What are my options if my mother refuses to give my dad the help he needs and access to the therapies prescribed?

She may resent all the time she has to devote to him. I have seen this before, I had an acquaintance that was very spoiled, when her husband required help due to his cancer she was very resentful, as everything was not going her way and her social life was falling to the wayside.

His primary care physician can order home health care so therapists come to the home. Medicare pays. If Dad is having trouble showering, etc., they with also provide an aide to come to the home twice per week to give him a shower.

Your mother may well be overwhelmed and exhausted. It is exhausting for even a younger person. First the stress of him being in hospital and rehab, then caring for him at home while also having to take him to all those therapy and doctor appointments while at the same time having to shoulder all shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc. It sounds like your Mom may be burned out and needs some help. Burn out includes brain fog, so she may not be able think clearly.

Lots of great helpful answers here!

Does she realize that him receiving therapy will make things easier for her in the end. By not allowing the PT, he can't improve.

How old are Mom and Dad? I overwhelm easily. If Mom is in her 70s
/80s this maybe too much for her. Daily driving someone to appts and waiting around is exhausting. I have done it. Check with your Office of Aging to see if they provide bussing. These busses have trained people for helping get people on and off. Will give Mom some time to herself.

Have you spoken honestly with your mother and asked her why she’s refusing him the therapy he needs? I ask because my husband’s personality changed when he had a stroke in 2003. He became even more self-involved, helpless and argumentative. In the 16 years since, even though totally unprepared, I have become responsible for 100% of everything. And boy, sometimes I’ve royally messed things up. I am not feeling at all well today, but my husband cannot understand why that is stopping me from cleaning house, doing laundry, etc.

My point is that Mom might need to be given a chance to present her side of the story and you might need to listen with a sympathetic ear. There may be more going on here than she is revealing to you. My husband has blown off more therapy sessions, in and outpatient than I can count. He always knew it all. The therapists, (with doctorates) knew nothing. Consequently, he has been bedridden for the past two and a half years and is in rehab AGAIN. I know you most likely think your father is a kind, sweet man and he probably is. But, Mom may have a story of her own to tell if given the opportunity. She may have fears and concerns about Dad that she will share if kindly and lovingly given the opportunity to do so. Sometimes we don’t want to burden our kids with our “old people issues” so we give them the short answer. But it’s not always in their or our best interest.

Arrange with his doctor to have the therapists come to the house.
When that does not work (they might not allow outside caregivers), ask if he can be in a rehab facility longer.

Be sure to arrange the same loving care for Mom, who might have her own illnesses about now, and also be headed for caregiver burnout.

They both need an assessment if they are going to continue living at home as a couple. Or maybe it is time to move them both to assisted living? Together.

The time to provide an assist can be short. Otherwise, they may end up living separately, declining, and losing their home because together, while healthy, they could, but if one or the other gets sick, they cannot.

She will not let you organize it either? Wow! That sounds rather passive aggressive to me. What is motivating her to be so controlling and hurtful to him? I'd contact adult services and see what ideas that they may have.

The therapy is so important. It makes all the difference. You could go there and “organize” his Uber driver yourself. Perhaps talk to the therapy folks to see if they have any ideas on how to get him there. I know the rehab my FIL went to had a shuttle service for patients to come back for additional therapy after discharge from inpatient. Call around to see if anyone offers that.
My mom was controlling with my dad’s care as well. It took us awhile to figure out what was going on.
I think the spouse gets worn out. She may have a bit of mental decline herself. The stroke happened to her life as well as your dad’s. She may be doing all she can. So be sure to give her credit for what she does do but keep looking for help and ways to lighten their load.