My mom is my dad's primary caregiver following his stroke 10 months ago. She refuses to organize or take him to all of the therapies that have been prescribed and recommended by his doctors, because she feels she is doing enough by taking him 3 times per week, and because it would be inconvenient for her to do more. I live far away and am incredibly worried about him. I have set up an Uber account so she wouldn't even have to drive him, but she refuses to organize it, and won't allow me to. What can I do to fix this?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
She may resent all the time she has to devote to him. I have seen this before, I had an acquaintance that was very spoiled, when her husband required help due to his cancer she was very resentful, as everything was not going her way and her social life was falling to the wayside.
Helpful Answer (1)

His primary care physician can order home health care so therapists come to the home. Medicare pays. If Dad is having trouble showering, etc., they with also provide an aide to come to the home twice per week to give him a shower.

Your mother may well be overwhelmed and exhausted. It is exhausting for even a younger person. First the stress of him being in hospital and rehab, then caring for him at home while also having to take him to all those therapy and doctor appointments while at the same time having to shoulder all shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc. It sounds like your Mom may be burned out and needs some help. Burn out includes brain fog, so she may not be able think clearly.

Lots of great helpful answers here!
Helpful Answer (0)

Does she realize that him receiving therapy will make things easier for her in the end. By not allowing the PT, he can't improve.

How old are Mom and Dad? I overwhelm easily. If Mom is in her 70s
/80s this maybe too much for her. Daily driving someone to appts and waiting around is exhausting. I have done it. Check with your Office of Aging to see if they provide bussing. These busses have trained people for helping get people on and off. Will give Mom some time to herself.
Helpful Answer (1)

Have you spoken honestly with your mother and asked her why she’s refusing him the therapy he needs? I ask because my husband’s personality changed when he had a stroke in 2003. He became even more self-involved, helpless and argumentative. In the 16 years since, even though totally unprepared, I have become responsible for 100% of everything. And boy, sometimes I’ve royally messed things up. I am not feeling at all well today, but my husband cannot understand why that is stopping me from cleaning house, doing laundry, etc.

My point is that Mom might need to be given a chance to present her side of the story and you might need to listen with a sympathetic ear. There may be more going on here than she is revealing to you. My husband has blown off more therapy sessions, in and outpatient than I can count. He always knew it all. The therapists, (with doctorates) knew nothing. Consequently, he has been bedridden for the past two and a half years and is in rehab AGAIN. I know you most likely think your father is a kind, sweet man and he probably is. But, Mom may have a story of her own to tell if given the opportunity. She may have fears and concerns about Dad that she will share if kindly and lovingly given the opportunity to do so. Sometimes we don’t want to burden our kids with our “old people issues” so we give them the short answer. But it’s not always in their or our best interest.
Helpful Answer (4)
njdaughter1 Jul 21, 2019
Thank you for your perspective. I have been trying to communicate with her, but since it is frustrating for me, perhaps I haven't given her the full attention she deserves.
Arrange with his doctor to have the therapists come to the house.
When that does not work (they might not allow outside caregivers), ask if he can be in a rehab facility longer.

Be sure to arrange the same loving care for Mom, who might have her own illnesses about now, and also be headed for caregiver burnout.

They both need an assessment if they are going to continue living at home as a couple. Or maybe it is time to move them both to assisted living? Together.

The time to provide an assist can be short. Otherwise, they may end up living separately, declining, and losing their home because together, while healthy, they could, but if one or the other gets sick, they cannot.
Helpful Answer (3)

She will not let you organize it either? Wow! That sounds rather passive aggressive to me. What is motivating her to be so controlling and hurtful to him? I'd contact adult services and see what ideas that they may have.
Helpful Answer (2)
rovana Jul 20, 2019
Is mom overwhelmed? There are probably many issues that a daughter at a distance is not even aware of. Likely mom is in need of help herself and if daughter approaches mom sympathetically she might at lease open up with the domestic situation.
The therapy is so important. It makes all the difference. You could go there and “organize” his Uber driver yourself. Perhaps talk to the therapy folks to see if they have any ideas on how to get him there. I know the rehab my FIL went to had a shuttle service for patients to come back for additional therapy after discharge from inpatient. Call around to see if anyone offers that.
My mom was controlling with my dad’s care as well. It took us awhile to figure out what was going on.
I think the spouse gets worn out. She may have a bit of mental decline herself. The stroke happened to her life as well as your dad’s. She may be doing all she can. So be sure to give her credit for what she does do but keep looking for help and ways to lighten their load.
Helpful Answer (1)

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter