We recently moved my mother into our home. Her short term memory is nearly gone. I do not know how to talk to her.

Well, this is a classic case of a person moving a parent into their home to care for her and having no idea what they were in for. It happens all the time, and I'm really sorry it happened to you.

You won't be able to reason with her. She's an addict. As for her diet, forget it. Exercise? Forget it. Getting her out of bed? Due to her behavior when you try it, forget it.

Your mom needs to be in a facility where professionals know how to deal with her. Now that she's in your home, you won't be able to get her out so easily. But that's what you have to do. You admit you have no clue how to care for her. There's no crash course that will lead to good results, either.

Put all your energy behind getting her out. This doesn't mean you don't love her. It means you want the best care for her, and you can't be it. This is beyond your expertise.

If your mom wants to stay in bed, let her stay in bed.
If she is not hungry, stop trying to force her to eat.

She is telling you what she wants and you are ignoring her wishes. I would also get angry in that situation.

Trying to reason with an elder suffering from dementia is impossible, as is getting her to give a flying fig about diet and exercise. Move her into Skilled Nursing care with Medicaid when her care becomes too much for you to manage.

You cannot reason with someone who has a Dementia. They lose taste and smell but sweets they tend to be able to taste. Sugar is immediate gratification. I myself do not eat 3 meals a day. I would cut out lunch and just let her snack. Even without Dementia, an 82 yr old who is not active does not need much to eat.

Maybe its time to place Mom. She needs someone with her 24/7.

More tips:

If I get dementia, I’d like my family, friends and Carers to hang this wish list up on the wall where I live. I want them to remember these things.
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1. If I get dementia, I want my friends and family to embrace my reality.
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2. If I think my spouse is still alive, or if I think we’re visiting my parents for dinner, let me believe those things. I’ll be much happier for it.
💛💛💛
3. If I get dementia, don’t argue with me about what is true for me versus what is true for you.
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4. If I get dementia, and I am not sure who you are, do not take it personally. My timeline is confusing to me.
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5. If I get dementia, and can no longer use utensils, do not start feeding me. Instead, switch me to a finger-food diet, and see if I can still feed myself.
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6. If I get dementia, and I am sad or anxious, hold my hand and listen. Do not tell me that my feelings are unfounded.
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7. If I get dementia, I don’t want to be treated like a child. Talk to me like the adult that I am.
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8. If I get dementia, I still want to enjoy the things that I’ve always enjoyed. Help me find a way to exercise, read, and visit with friends.
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9. If I get dementia, ask me to tell you a story from my past.
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10. If I get dementia, and I become agitated, take the time to figure out what is bothering me.
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11. If I get dementia, treat me the way that you would want to be treated.
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12. If I get dementia, make sure that there are plenty of snacks for me in the house. Even now if I don’t eat I get angry, and if I have dementia, I may have trouble explaining what I need.
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13. If I get dementia, don’t talk about me as if I’m not in the room.
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14. If I get dementia, don’t feel guilty if you cannot care for me 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. It’s not your fault, and you’ve done your best. Find someone who can help you, or choose a great new place for me to live.
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15. If I get dementia, and I live in a dementia care community, please visit me often.
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16. If I get dementia, don’t act frustrated if I mix up names, events, or places. Take a deep breath. It’s not my fault.
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17. If I get dementia, make sure I always have my favorite music playing within earshot.
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18. If I get dementia, and I like to pick up items and carry them around, help me return those items to their original place.
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19. If I get dementia, don’t exclude me from parties and family gatherings.
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20. If I get dementia, know that I still like receiving hugs or handshakes.
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21. If I get dementia, remember that I am still the person you know and love.
💛🤗💛🤗💛

Wow, MissLori. I wanted to know your Mom's age, so I check your profile before answering here. While I didn't learn there your Mom's age, I did get lots more information from you. You have been doing this management of Mom as well as a large working ranch for five years now. And as well as that. Mom, who moved originally into the Bunkhouse in now in your home and virtually on bedrest.

I do have some questions. Your Mom was on heavy doses of morphine for arthritis you tell us. Either she has a arthritis from HADES or she was in enormous pain. This leads me to need to know from you, how old is Mom, and exactly what kind of arthritis is she suffering from? Does she have rheumatoid or osteo. Has she had followup good care from a specialist, because dependent, she may now be dealing with an almost non-existent spine with serious pain and disability, and the absolute inability to move from her bed. What scans and followup is she receiving.

There is a tremendous difference in kinds of arthritis, psoriatic, osteo, rheumatoid. And if she was ever put on morphine either the doc is a real snake oil charlatan or your Mom had serious issues.
My concern now is whether she CAN MOVE and will NOT, or whether she CANNOT.

I am not much interested in the whole diet thing. Mom's life, whether from mental issues or from real horrific sheletal pain, sounds a crucible now, and to me diet isn't the issue other than how it affects the arthritis.

What pain meds is Mom on now, if any?
Does she see PT/OT/rehab medicine, attend pain clinics, and etc.
Is there an mental evaluation that has been done.

Just not clear to me if you are dealing with addictive personality with dependence or if you are dealing with a woman living a martyrdom of chronic pain. I would love to know the evaluation of good MDs on this, and hope you can fill me in more.

Ultimately there comes the question of how long you choose to do this care. Have you discuss THIS with Mom. Does she understand that if this is ongoing you cannot sacrifice your own life to it?

By the by, I have NEVER in a long career as an RN seen morphine given for arthritis of any kind, until spinal compression and nearing end of life and bedbound hospice care. This is a first in cases for me. Hope you can fill me in a bit.

All I can say about this is that I feel that you should work on finding a suitable facility for your mom to go to.

Please don’t wait until things become even more difficult to manage. You already know that you are facing a difficult battle and that your mom is not going to cooperate with your wishes.

Of course, you have her best interests at heart and are doing the very best that you can, but your mother needs more care than you can provide.

I am quite sure that you are emotionally and physically exhausted by all of this. I realize how hard it is to care for your mom in your home. I did this too and I wish that I hadn’t pushed myself so hard.

I think you know that you are pushing yourself way past your limits.

When I toured facilities that I was interested in for my mom, I asked when was the best time for placement. They all said to me, “It’s easier to make the transition to a facility before any more emergencies occur.”

Wishing you and your family all the best.

From your profile …Mom has always been “ controlling and manipulative “. And she’s an addict with dementia . This situation will not improve . This is a case where the parent will never cooperate and will in fact fight you , just for the sake of it .

Mom needs to be placed in a facility where she can’t try to manipulate a family member . People like this can not be taken care of by family ( which is what the doctor for my narcissist mother with dementia told me ).

I’m so sorry you took Mom into your home . Do you have POA ? Does Mom have any money to place her in Assisted Living or Memory care ? Medicaid will pay for Memory care in some states but not all . I’m not sure if your Mom would be able to get into skilled facility (SNF) on Medicaid . For SNF , she would have to be total care , like she doesn’t wash , dress , walk .

My nephew is stuck with my sister in his home because she has lived there for 10 years and doesn’t qualify for SNF and has no money for assisted living .

Again , so sorry you took Mom into your home . I hope you have POA and your Mom has money so you can get her out . If she ends up in the hospital , refuse to take her home. Tell them you can no longer take care of her and ask the social worker to help with placement. Good luck .

Miss Lori, the best thing you can do is learn all about dementia. I suggest you read this 33 page booklet to do so. Lots of Do's and Don't tips for dealing with dementia sufferers are suggested in the booklet.

Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580

Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia.

The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.

The full copy of her book is available here:

https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2

Best of luck.

Your mother’s brain is broken. People with dementia crave sugar and simple carbs— it’s part of the disease. You are in essence not only fighting with your mother but you are also trying to fight dementia.